The First Last Boy(15)

"Oh...that's good." I had to turn my gaze away from him. The shyness I  felt coupled with how good he looked made it hard to keep eye contact.

He sighed and picked up a rag lying on the side of the hood. Wiping his hands, he said, "What?"

I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. We'd always been honest with  each and I didn't want that to change. "I feel different since you  kissed me. Shaky. Unsure of myself, I guess. There's an awareness of you  now that I didn't have before."

"Tana, if you're not ready, you don't have to have sex just because you have it written down on some damn goal list."

His words made me feel like I was a nerd with a to-do list waiting to be  checked off. Graduate high school. Check. Lose virginity. Check. Go to  college. "Oh, wow. I thought if it was written down, there was no way  out. Thanks for explaining."

"Don't be a smart ass. You know what I mean."

"I do, and I want to have sex. With you."

He crossed his arms. "I don't want to hurt you."

I was drawn to the way his arm muscles bulged. "You won't." I smiled.

"I'm not talking about your body."

My smile faded. I wanted to tell him there was no way in a billion years  that he'd ever hurt my heart but the truth was, I wasn't as sure as I  used to be when this all started that I'd be able to leave for college  with my heart intact. Not when it came to leaving Ryan behind.

Because I was trying hard to be cool and blasé about the heaviness of  the conversation and what we were going to do next weekend, I meant to  playfully flick his arm but it didn't work out that way. My hand found  the end of the tattoo that snaked around his elbow and trailed up to his  shoulder. I couldn't let go. Shifting my weight, I leaned forward and  kissed his bare chest. He tasted like the summer sun, just as hot and  sizzling. "It'll be fine, Ryan."

He sucked in a breath, pushing my chin up, my lips away from his body. "Next weekend."

"Are you playing hard to get?" I joked, embarrassed that he hadn't wanted me touching him.

"I'm not playing at hard, that's for damn sure."

I cleared my throat. "I can get some books if we need to for the weekend."

"Books?" Puzzled, his eyebrows went up. "You want to read?"

"Certain books, you know. Like Kama Sutra ones or something." I ducked  my head, my face flaming, unable to hold his penetrating gaze.

"Shit, Tana." He laughed. "I don't need instructions."

His laughter pissed me off and I looked up to glare at him. "I know  you're not Mr. Innocent, but I also know that some guys think they're  better at sex than they really are. I also know you have a reputation  but those girls weren't friends like you and I are. I thought maybe  you'd find it difficult, that's all."

We stared at each for what felt like forever, then he finally said, "I guess you'll have to wait and see."

Why was there always such a tangle of emotions within me when it came to Ryan?

Mama Leena's minivan pulled up behind the Charger. Destiny bounded out  of the passenger side. "Tana, hey." She gave me a hug. "Are you here to  hassle Ryan?"

"I'm trying."

"Good. Come in. I want to show you something."

After one final look at Ryan, I went with Destiny into her room and sat  on her bed. Until last year, her room looked like it could be an  advertisement for a Barbie doll convention because everything from the  walls to the ruffled curtains was pink and girly. Even the carpet was  once pink.         

     



 

Destiny was Mama Leena's only girl and the only child that lived after  Mama Leena had a couple of miscarriages and one stillborn baby. Some  people said losing the other babies were the reason she took in foster  kids but I think it was because Mama Leena had a big heart.

Now the room was done in white and bronze colors with posters of  Destiny's favorite singers on the walls. She pulled a sketchbook from  beneath the mattress.

I flipped through sketch after sketch until I saw the new ones. "Have  you talked to your mama yet?" I paused at the sketch of Ryan, Juvante,  Roman and Clarke standing together, their arms draped over one another's  shoulders. She'd captured Ryan's expression dead on. Without realizing I  was doing it, I traced my finger along the outline of his face,  imagining what it would be to freely run my hands along his skin.

"You and Ryan, huh?" She smirked.

I jerked my finger back, feeling the blush stain my cheeks. "We're just friends."

"Uh huh and Juvante is a choir boy." She took the sketchbook back. "I know that look, Tana."

"Did you talk with your mom?" I guided the conversation back.

"Not yet. I'm going to when school starts back in the fall. I can take  art as an elective. Mama thinks I need to take another math or science.  So she's not going to be too happy with me." Her face puckered at the  thought.

Destiny was the most creative person I knew. Besides her artwork, she  had a knack for making clothes. When she'd worn one of her creations to  school last year, other girls had begged her to make one of the dresses  for them. She wanted to go into fashion design. Mama Leena thought she  needed a business degree.

"I sewed this for Mark." Destiny knelt and dug around until she pulled out a wad of material. "For Halloween."

I unfolded the Spiderman costume. Creature was all about the  superheroes. "He's going to love it." I looked at my watch. "I need to  go."

Mama Leena called for Destiny and she sighed. "We're supposed to go over  a list of accelerated classes I can take this summer. Just once I wish  she'd let me have a summer off and stop pushing me. She's determined I'm  going to take over her business someday."

"She worries about you and your future. You should talk to her. Tell her what you really want to do."

"Uh huh. You know once she has her mind made up, it's hard to get her to  see any other way." Destiny looked sad, then shook it off and pushed me  toward the door. "Get out there and hassle Ryan some more."

Smiling, I walked back outside onto the porch and looked out across the  yard. Juvante stood beside Ryan and the two were in deep conversation. I  made my way down the steps toward them and as I approached, I thought I  heard Juvante mention Chanos' name but both of them fell silent when  they saw me so I wasn't sure.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, looking first at Juvante, then Ryan.

"Yeah," they both said in unison.

"Do you want to come by the house tomorrow?" I asked Ryan. "I have the day off."

"No. I'll be busy tomorrow."

The way he said it, so short and clipped wasn't the way that he usually  spoke to me. He was blowing me off? With a shrug, I walked to my car.

I heard Juvante say, "Man, you hurt her feelings. Go kiss your girl and make up."

I gritted my teeth and walked faster. I didn't want to be Ryan's pity  case. Why he said he'd be with me if he didn't want to was something I  couldn't figure out, but I sure as hell wasn't going to put up with it.

Ryan muttered something I didn't catch. Then loudly, "Tana." He jogged up beside me and shot a dirty look back at Juvante.

I decided to test him, to see if he wanted out. "You want to pick me up  on Friday and take my car or yours? It would probably be better if we  took yours because my Mom's has been acting up. This way, she'll have  mine in case she needs it."

"We can take mine."

"Okay, then." I said, trying to keep my voice flat, like nothing  bothered me. Like the fact that I was going to have sex with my best  friend wasn't tying me up in hundreds of knots. Like my head wasn't  calling me all kinds of a fool.

"Tana." He held my arm to stop me. "I'm not going to hang with you  because I don't want to do something stupid with you before it's time,  okay? That's all it is."

Something stupid? "I told you, if you don't want to, tell me."

"It's not that I don't want to. I just don't know what it might do to our friendship."         

     



 

"It's not going to change us. Everything will be okay," I said. "I  forgot to tell you yesterday that Brooklyn mentioned a going away  cookout at her house Thursday night for me and Shelby. Her family will  be gone so she'll have the house to herself. Knowing her, there will be  plenty of alcohol. You want to go?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and puffed out his cheeks as he exhaled. "Okay."

I tiptoed up, intending to kiss his cheek the way I had hundreds of  times before, but the kiss landed on his lips instead because he moved  his head. Ryan hesitated at first, then kissed me back, hard, fast, and  thoroughly, only pulling back when Juvante yelled out suggestions.

"I'll see you Thursday," he said when we parted from the embrace.

His eyes were shuttered, closing me out so I couldn't tell what he was  thinking. Not that I had any great insight into Ryan but something that  scared me to think about was what if the closer we became physically,  the more he pulled away emotionally? I couldn't let that happen. I had  to do whatever it took to put our friendship back on track. I had to be  breezy and act like I didn't think about him a lot more often. I had to  make sure that he knew I wasn't trying to make more of what was going on  than friendship.