The Butterfly Box(84)

He sighed and pulled her against his warm body, wrapping his arms around her and breathing into her hair. ‘I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘Because my home is Chile.’

‘Can’t you just stay for longer? You can write here. You don’t have to be in Chile. The joy about your work is that you can take it anywhere.’



He sighed again. ‘I can’t change,’ he said flatly.

‘Why can’t you, Ramon? Because you don’t want to?’

‘Because I can’t.’

‘But we’ve become friends again. We haven’t enjoyed each other like this for years. We’re getting to know each other again. No, let me finish,’ she said when he tried to interrupt her. ‘I thought I didn’t care about you any more, let alone love you. I felt this dead indifference and it scared me. I thought there was nothing left of our relationship. So I came home. I thought it was the only option. But I was wrong. I see that now and I pray that it isn’t too late. We can make it work, I really believe we can.’

‘But we’ll face the same problems we have always faced. It doesn’t matter where we are, our problems will follow us.’

‘I need you,’ she said, then swallowed because she heard the desperation in her voice and it frightened her.

‘You don’t need me, Helena. You need a life.’

‘But you didn’t want me to go, are you saying now you don’t want me back?’

‘I’m not saying anything at all. I’m just saying that we both need this time apart.’

‘Then you don’t want me at all,’ she said with resignation, ashamed that she



had declared herself so carelessly.

‘I want you, Helena.' he said and kissed her forehead. ‘I would make love to you now, happily. I have always enjoyed you.’

Then why don’t you?’

‘Because I’m not going to stay.’



‘Because you don’t desire me any more?’ she said, defeated.

‘Because the holes in our marriage are still there, Helena.’

‘The holes were made by me. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt dejected.’

‘You were right. You were dejected. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s changed at all.’

‘You said you loved me then,’ she choked.

‘And I do, but not in the way that you want to be loved. You want a man who can love you every day. I’ll be gone soon and then you’ll be left alone to feel dejected. I can’t help that.’

‘Then there really is no chance?’

‘Of what?’



‘Of trying again?’ she said, and her voice trailed off in humiliation.

Ramon stroked her hair and lay staring up into the darkness. He thought of

Estella and the confident way that she loved him. There was something very needy about Helena and he felt that old, familiar sense of claustrophobia suffocate him once again. He still loved her. But he couldn’t change her and as long as she enveloped him with her needy love he couldn’t love her in the way that she longed to be loved. He felt the wind of change blow outside his window and knew that it was time to leave.

The following morning Ramon came down to breakfast with his bags packed.

‘You’re leaving?’ said Helena tightly. Her headache had returned and she was filled with shame. She wished she could rewind the tape and erase the previous night. She could barely look into his eyes. When she did they were once more dark and impenetrable. She had gone too far and ruined everything.

‘I’m leaving,’ he replied, then sat down next to Federica.

‘You’re leaving?’ she stammered. ‘Now?’ She watched her father’s grim face nod at her sadly. Had she dreamed the night before when they had talked on the landing with such affection? She was certain they were falling in love again. How could it all have gone so wrong in one night? She didn’t understand.

‘Don’t be sad, mi amor.’ He touched her forlorn face. ‘I want you to write to

me and tell me how you’re getting on and what you’re doing. Don’t miss out a single detail.’ He wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb. ‘You be good and don’t cry, because I’ll be back very soon to see you.’

But Federica’s face crumpled into misery and she threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ she choked. ‘Please don’t go.’

‘I can’t stay for ever, mi amor. I’ll be back, I promise,’ he reassured her. ‘Remember to write to me,’ he added and kissed her wet face.

When he gathered Hal into his arms the child squirmed and cried out for his mother. Helena soothed him with gentle words and gathered him up, where he clung to her like a frightened monkey. Ramon didn’t pursue it. There was nothing more to say. He kissed Helena’s stony face, then he was gone leaving a feeling of emptiness in their hearts and a terrible sense of loss. Helena wondered when he’d come back. She had a premonition that it wouldn’t be for many years.