The Butterfly Box(83)

‘I really enjoyed tonight,’ said Helena, climbing the stairs. Federica cowered in the darkness, watching as her mother came into view through the crack in the door.



‘Me too,’ Ramon agreed, following closely behind her.

Helena hesitated outside Federica’s room. ‘I’m glad you like the Applebys,’ she said softly so as not to waken her children.

‘Nuno’s an original,’ he chuckled. ‘As for Inigo.’

‘You’re the only one I know who gets Inigo’s point. He barely talks to anyone, shuts himself up in his study all the time. It must be exasperating for

Ingrid.’

‘I have to admit I find him fascinating.’

‘I can’t imagine what you talk about.’

‘Everything.’

‘Really?’

‘He’s learned and wise. You just have to penetrate his disappointment.’

‘Disappointment?’ She frowned.

‘He doesn’t have Nuno’s ability to rise above the world.’

‘Like Ingrid.’

‘Exactly. He spends his days pondering life and dwelling only on the negative. If we look hard enough we can find ugliness in anything. The trick is not to look for it.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she said lamely and chuckled to hide her ignorance. ‘Thank you for making such an effort with Hal these last few days.’

‘He’s a sweet boy,’ Ramon replied.

‘He is, but you never knew him. It’s important for him to feel your affection.

I know Federica’s more interesting to you. She’s older and more outwardly

loving. But Hal loves you too, he just doesn’t understand it.’



‘It’s been good for me to see them.’ He nodded then yawned.

‘It’s been good for us, too,’ she said and looked at him steadily.

He caught her eyes and smiled ruefully. ‘It has,’ he agreed in such a low voice, that Federica hardly heard him.

‘I’m glad you came.’

‘Me too.’

They both hovered awkwardly before Ramon walked on up the corridor. ‘Goodnight, Helena.’

‘Sleep well, Ramon.’ She watched him go with tenderness. Then she too disappeared out of sight.

Federica felt a shudder of anticipation cause her skin to shiver as if it were cold. But she felt very hot and very excited. She squeezed her eyes closed and hoped that what she had just witnessed was the beginning of a new love affair between her parents. She was sure then that her father would stay.

Helena lay in bed and thought of Ramon. She then thought about what Nuno had said. ‘We are always getting ready to live, but never living.’ She repeated it

again and again in her head, pondering on the meaning and how it applied to her. Nuno was so right. Ramon was living. He didn’t bother about preparation; he just rushed off to live as much as he could, whereas she was always preparing to live. Ramon was like a large bird. For him there were no frontiers, he just flew where he wanted, when he wanted. She envied his spontaneity yet resented his lack of responsibility. He didn’t answer to anyone, not even the pleas of his children. Much less the entreaties of his wife. But, he was certainly living. Ralph Waldo Emerson would have approved of Ramon.

She lay in solitude and yet, tonight, her solitude felt heavier and more uncomfortable than ever before. She stared up into the blackness and remembered those early days with Ramon when she had curled up in the warm reassurance of his embrace and slept without doubts. She felt his presence in the house because it was as dense as smoke and hot like fire. She was powerless to ignore it and unwilling to fight it any longer. She remembered Ralph Waldo Emerson and climbed out of bed.

She slipped into her dressing gown, opened her bedroom door and crept down the corridor towards Ramon’s room. She didn’t hesitate outside his door as she had done that terrible night the previous January, but opened it quietly

and walked into the darkness. ‘Ramon,’ she whispered. He stirred beneath his bedclothes. ‘Ramon,’ she repeated. He stirred again. She felt her way to the bed and prodded him. ‘Ramon.’

He woke up. ‘Helena?’ he mumbled. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m cold,’ she said, because she couldn’t think of anything better to say. Her body was trembling all over, surprised by the impetuosity that had suddenly overcome it. ‘Can I get in?’

Ramon shuffled to make room for her. She climbed in beside him and pulled the covers about her. ‘What do you want, Helena?’ he asked. But she ignored the impatient tone of his voice and persisted.



‘I want you to stay,’ she said.