The Butterfly Box(80)

‘You have two, sometimes that’s harder.’

‘Oh, I’m very happy here. Very, very happy,’ she said, but Ramon was not convinced and neither was she.

‘Have you got one of your headaches?’ he asked, noticing her massaging her temple with her hand.

‘Yes, but I’m fine, they come and go,’ she replied dismissively.

‘Come here,’ he said, moving her so that her back was facing him. She tried

to object but he silenced her with his assertiveness and placed his hands on her head and started massaging her.

‘Really, Ramon. I’m fine,’ she argued weakly as the sensation of his touch caused her skin to prickle with nostalgia.



‘You’re not fine. But I’m going to make you fine,’ he said and laughed.

She resented his cheerfulness and wondered why everything was always so straightforward for him.

Ramon’s fingers working into her skull were too pleasurable to resist so she ceased to fight and leant back against them, taking in a long, deep breath. As she relaxed her head his hands moved down to her shoulders, moving beneath her coat and sweater to her skin.

‘Tell me how the children have been?’ he asked and she told him about Federica’s infatuation with the Applebys, her crush on Sam and her progress at school.

‘She adores the Applebys,’ she said. ‘She never had many friends at school in Viña, but they’ve become like a second family to her. It’s done wonders for her confidence.’

‘That’s good.’

‘Oh, it’s wonderful. At first England frightened her. It was so cold and grey, not like the blue skies of Chile. It’s good we moved to the sea though, at least that’s familiar.’

Then she told him about Hal and her shoulders eased up and her throat loosened until she began to laugh without bitterness or resentment.

‘At least they are happy here,’ he said.

‘They seem to be.’ She closed her eyes to the luxurious feeling of his fingers sending the blood back into her dried-out muscles.

‘But what about you?’ he asked.

‘Oh, Ramon. I’m fine.’

‘I’m asking you as a friend, not as your husband.’

‘You’re still my husband,’ she said throatily and smiled, recalling a lost age when their shared happiness had eclipsed the impending unhappiness that would overwhelm them.

‘Okay, so I’m asking you as your husband.’

‘I don’t know,’ she replied, shaking her head.

‘What do you do all day?’

‘I look after Hal.’

‘What do you do for you?’

‘For me?’



‘For you,’ he repeated.

She thought about it for a while. She didn’t know what she did for her. She sometimes accompanied Federica up to the Applebys for tea, or took Hal to the beach. She visited Toby and Julian, chatted to her mother. But she couldn’t think of anything she did purely for her own pleasure.

‘I don’t know, Ramon. I can’t think of anything,’ she said bleakly and felt her throat constrict again with emotion. The children give me enormous pleasure.’ ‘Of course they do. But that’s domesticity. I mean an indulgence. A selfish pleasure which you don’t share with anyone.’

Helena considered his question - Ramon was a master of self-indulgence and she of sacrifice, that’s why it had all gone so wrong.

‘Everyone needs time to themselves,’ he continued. ‘A long bubble bath, a trip to the hairdresser, I don’t know what makes you happy.’

‘Well, I’ve lost touch with myself,’ she sighed, ‘because I don’t know either.’ ‘Perhaps you should start thinking about you. I give you enough money?’ he asked.

‘You give me more than enough money.’

‘Well, go and spend it, for God’s sake. I don’t know what you girls do, but buy a new dress, go to a beautician, enjoy yourself. Don’t chain yourself to the nursery; you’re not a domestic. If you need a domestic, hire one. If you need a house of your own, buy one. I don’t care but you have misery written all over your face and it’s not very attractive.’

Helena was stunned. She couldn’t remember the last time they had talked so frankly. She couldn’t remember the last time he had thought about her and her happiness. She felt her stomach stagger with the recollection of what it had been like when they had been friends. They had talked without pause, about everything and anything, laughed at the smallest things and communicated without words across the lines of love. She wondered when their conversation had dried up and why. She dared not turn around because she knew if she looked into his eyes she would close up again with uncertainty, so she kept her eyes shut in an effort to extend the moment.