The Birds and the Bees(22)

‘I can bet.'

They even managed to make their coffee sipping look like a duel.

‘What was it then that finally made ye ring?'

‘He – Matthew – came around last night.'

‘Aye, you said he was coming roon, when I saw you in the supermarket. With the giant cucumber.'

Stevie bared her teeth a little but didn't rise to the bait. Instead,  she continued icily, ‘He told me that he and her had got together at Pam  and Will's wedding.'

‘Oh?'

‘And I have to get out of this house by Wednesday and cancel my wedding.'

‘Oh.' It was quite a sympathetic ‘oh' for him, who seemed to deduce from  the speed at which she started slurping coffee then, that she was  possibly quite upset about having to do that.

‘So where will ye go?' he said.

‘I don't have a clue. I'll have to start looking bigtime. And packing.  God, I don't know which to do first.' Her voice went all funny and she  coughed it away.

‘So do ye want tae know what I think noo?' said Adam MacLean, who was  wearing jeans and a cornflower-blue shirt that exactly matched his eyes.

‘Go on,' she said.

‘Ah think you and I should pretend to start winchin.'

Winchin? What the hell did that mean? She needed an interpreter to converse with the bloody man.

‘I'm sorry, you've lost me.'

‘Winchin. It means "go-ing out to-geth-er".'

‘Who?'

‘You and me.'

‘You and me?' Stevie laughed, waiting for the punchline, because that  was a joke, wasn't it? And not a very funny one either. She was being  serious and he was messing about.

‘No, it's not a joke,' he said. ‘This is part of my master-plan.'

‘Your master-plan?'

‘Is there an echo in here?' he grumbled. Stevie ignored him and he went  on, ‘First of all, I didn't fight the decision for Jo to leave me. I  just let her go. I knew that would affect her far more than if I acted  like she might expect me to.'

Stevie didn't ask how Jo would expect him to act. That seemed pretty  obvious. It had to involve something dangerous that hurt a lot.

‘And you want us to go out together?'

‘My God naw!' he protested a bit too enthusiastically. ‘Just to pretend.'

‘You're barking mad.'

‘Quite possibly, but have you any sane solutions?'

That shut Stevie up because she hadn't.

‘Any chance of another coffee, please?' he asked. ‘With a wee bit more mulk this time, if I could?'                       
       
           



       

‘Yes, of course,' said Stevie, and went half-dazed into the kitchen.  Adam picked up another Midnight Moon book from the table under the  window. Another by Beatrice Pollen – The Silent Stranger – she must be her  favourite. Obviously, this Pollen woman was some sad old grand-maw of a  writer with a loveless life who lived her dreams through characters with  names like Maddox Flockton and Devon Earnshaw. Jeez, who thought o'  this crap?

Devon flirtatiously pushed back her luxurious auburn hair, exposing her  long creamy neck. Maddox grabbed her, ignoring her protests as he rained  kisses onto that neck until she surrendered to him and groaned aloud,  ‘Maddox, Oh Maddox!'



Bollocks, oh bollocks, more like, he thought, closing the book and  putting it back where he had found it by the window. Then his eye caught  sight of the sign on the house opposite, just before Stevie returned to  put a giant cup down on the coffee-table for him. It had been a joke  Christmas present and was one-step short of a horse trough.

‘What's that hoos? Is it tae let?' He pointed to the big cottage opposite.

‘Yes,' said Stevie, roughly understanding what he was saying.

‘Why don't you get that wan?'

‘You are joking!' said Stevie with a laugh belonging to Mrs Rochester.  ‘I couldn't afford that in a month, sorry, year, sorry millennium of  Sundays.'

‘Will Housing Benefit not cover it?'

‘Housing Benefit?' said Stevie indignantly. ‘What on earth makes you think I would get Housing Benefit?'

‘I … er … just presumed, seeing as you're at the gym every day, that you didnae work.'

‘Well, I do work actually, thank you!' said Stevie.

‘What do you dae?'

‘None of your bloody business!' Like she was going to tell him that  after he had tossed her book down as if it was some worthless piece of  crap and then have him do a snidey laugh thing.

‘Sorry I asked,' said Adam, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace.  He took a sip of coffee and, contrary to her silent wish, didn't burn  his throat in agony. ‘So, how expensive is it?'

Stevie sighed and got out the newspaper to show him some brief details. ‘Too expensive for me, and my salary.'

‘Christ awmighty!' said Adam as the figure shot out at him from the page. ‘Be cheaper tae move into a Hilton Penthoos.'

‘Precisely.'

‘Hmmm.' He rubbed his smooth, freshly shaven chin in thought. ‘Although  the Hilton doesn't have such a good view as that hoos has.'

‘Pardon?'

‘And because you can't afford it, that's even more reason for it to be  the perfect place.' He was thinking out aloud. This was starting to look  verrry interesting.

Stevie shook her head. ‘I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Mr MacLean.'

‘If you lived there … '

‘I couldn't anyway, even if I had a million in the bank,' butted in  Stevie, shaking her head quite defiantly. ‘There is no way I could stand  to see those two in this house every day and every night, and  furthermore-'

‘Hold your wheesht, woman!' Adam growled. ‘If you lived there, you would  absolutely cause them mental hell. "How could she stand to live there  opposite tae us? How could she afford it?" they'd ask. Then I turn up  wi' floooers … '

Floooers? ‘If you mean "floors", at a rough guess I think it might have  them already, Mr MacLean. And possibly ceilings. Maybe even a wall.'  What is the man on!

‘Och! Not flairs, floooers.'

Stevie's face, with its mask of utter bewilderment now, told him she  wasn't getting any of this and he took a fierce intake of breath before  further clarifying, none too patiently either: ‘Fl-ow-errrs. If I came  with fl-ow-ers, we'd mash their hids … heads totally wi' all the questions  we'd raise. Think aboot it. Not only have we not reacted as rejected  partners should naturally in accordance wi' the laws of heartbreak, but  then we start oor own relationship – pretend relationship,' he emphasized  for clarity. ‘I think the wee green-eyed monster would be oot  daing … sorry, out doing his damage within a very short time. Basic  psychology. No one wants to be that replaceable, that quickly.'

Okay, he had a point, Stevie thought, but at what cost to her own sanity?

‘Like I tried to say to you before – basic psychology,' he said again,  tapping his frontal lobe skull-casing. ‘I expect Matthew thought you'd  totally freak – as, I know, did my Jo of me. But we didn't, we haven't  given them what they wanted. Trust me, their brains are trying to  process the strange wonderful creatures that we are and cannae. We are  haunting them. They are expecting more from us. They're waiting for us  to flip and revert tae type, but they aren't gonnae get it and that will  unsettle them more than anything will. Tell me that Matty Boy isn't  expecting you to kick up a fuss.'                       
       
           



       

Stevie thought of all she had told Matt about the break-up with Mick,  how crazed she had acted in grief. He had listened to her patiently  then, with love and understanding. She couldn't have known then that her  confession would be stored and one day used as a weapon against her.  Now he would use her past actions as an excuse to extricate himself from  her as quickly as possible.

‘Yes, he'll expect it,' she answered quietly.

‘Aye, well, there are reasons why Jo will expect the same.'

‘Obviously,' said Stevie.

He didn't like the way she said the word, full of implication.

‘Guid. Then, they'll no' anticipate this turn of events in a million years.'

Stevie considered everything he had said. She hated to admit that he  might be right, but she was going to have to, because she was desperate.  Crackers as the whole scheme was, it was worth a try. Well, it would  have been if she'd had the money to do it.

‘I'll ring the landlord aboot the place opposite-' MacLean started to say.

‘Excuse me,' Stevie tried to interrupt. Didn't he listen? Didn't he hear  the bit about not being able to afford it? Had the sound of all those  bagpipes affected his eardrums?