The Birds and the Bees(18)

‘Go on, you know you want to.'

‘Get off, you big bully!'

As Catherine and Eddie continued their giggly fight, Stevie watched as  Matthew started to edge slowly towards Jo. It took him another four  minutes before they engaged in conversation. Maybe they were pretending  to ‘get it together' at the wedding, not having a clue that she and Adam  MacLean already knew what had been going on between them.

‘I see contact has been made,' said Catherine, nodding over at the treacherous twosome.

‘Yes, I noticed. I'll bet they're making a show in front of MacLean and me that this is their actual starting-point.'

‘The next dance is "The Birds and the Bees",' said Accordion Man. ‘Come on, now, let's have you up herrre, laddies and lassies.'

A flurry of sherried-up aunts and uncles hit the floor.

‘Looks fun,' said Catherine. ‘Do you want a go? Eddie'll partner you.'

‘Eddie won't,' said Eddie.

‘Where's the bonny bride hersel'?' shouted someone from the demo team  and started chanting to get Pam up dancing. ‘C'moan, it's good luck tae  dance this wan.'

‘Right – well, if I'm going to make a twat of myself, then everyone is.  Come up, get up,' slurred Pam. She stubbed out her fag and then  shovelled Eddie and Catherine and Stevie forwards, like a giant  snow-plough. Everyone hit the dance floor because Pam had said so.

‘Stevie, you can road-test Will for me,' said Pam, shoving her new  husband in front of Stevie at the end of the formation. ‘Adam, get your  Scottish backside over here!'

‘I don't know what to do at all,' said Stevie.

Will whispered, ‘Join the club, Stevie, but you know what she's like.  Just do this one dance then she'll leave you alone, I promise.'

‘Now's your chance, big boy, to seduce me with your fancy footwork,' said Catherine, giving her husband a saucy wink.

‘Don't blame me if you end up moaning in the morning that you've had no sleep,' said Eddie.

‘Oh promises, promises,' said Catherine.

Pam dragged Adam opposite to her and he and Stevie glared at each other diagonally.

‘We're a six, we need to be an eight,' said Eddie.

‘Hark at Fred Astaire!' said Catherine.

‘Oy! We need another two over here!' shouted Pam.

A spare ‘two' was pushed over from where it was clinging onto the next ‘eight' hoping no one would notice it was superfluous.

‘Oh God,' said every single one of them, even half-sloshed Pam, as  Matthew and Jo took up their awkward positions next to Eddie and  Catherine. However long this dance lasted, it was going to be too long.

The demonstrators ran through the sequence. It all looked quite simple  in a twizzling-about way. In real life it proved to be slightly more  difficult.

Pam cocked up and ended up going the wrong way, taking Will as her  partner. This cast Stevie in the path of Adam MacLean, and as Pam  barked, ‘Never mind, carry on,' Stevie was forced to link his arm and be  spun around at G force.

‘So, how's yerrr nose?' he asked, as they changed direction. He pointed at it as if she might have forgotten where it was.

‘Fine, thank you – and yours?' Stevie asked, not knowing quite why she had  asked that. Then again, at that point she was trying to coordinate  skipping backwards with not being sick.

‘Okay last time I looked,' he said humourlessly, tripping forward and  catching her hand. He was surprisingly nifty on his feet for an Aberdeen  Angus, Stevie thought.

‘So, ready to hear whit I have tae say yet? You don't look as if you're making much progress your way.'

‘And you are, I suppose?' said Stevie, quirking her eyebrow.

‘Aye, I most certainly am!'

Stevie twirled around him with a little sarcastic, ‘Ha!' and followed it  with, ‘No, thank you. I think I'll pass on this and every other  occasion to discuss your "master plan".' Her arm brushed against Jo as  she skipped down the back of the formation to meet Matthew. It was like  being touched by an electric cattle prod. Stevie jerked to the side,  bouncing into Will, and would have fallen over if Adam MacLean hadn't  grabbed her elbow. By comparison, Jo's steps were perfect. She and  Matthew looked like John Travolta and that Stephanie woman in Saturday  Night Fever who were so spiritually and bodily synchronized. As if  Stevie needed any more proof of how gauche she was by comparison.                       
       
           



       

Adam cast her off and she did a figure of eight around Pam and then  bumped clumsily into Matthew, who stared straight ahead of him in a  ‘God, get me out of this quick' kind of way. Then Adam caught both of  Stevie's hands at the top of the line and trotted down the middle of the  other three partners with her. They were huge hands. Hands that smacked  women. It made her feel ill to touch him and she tried to pull them  away but MacLean hung on firmly.

‘So ye're no gonnae listen, I take it?' he grumbled out of the corner of his mouth.

‘Not in this lifetime,' panted Stevie.

Adam sneered, like Elvis having a bad day.

‘Well, let's hope you're better at ho'ding onto your man than you are at  dancing,' he said gruffly as he let Stevie's hands go and relinquished  her to Will, who spun her round ‘Gay Gordon' style for the last few bars  of the reel. As soon as the final chord had sounded, Adam and Jo and  Matthew were gone from the dance floor, three people united in their  desperate desire to get right away from the lumpy woman with her  sherry-stained skirt and scabby nose.

Catherine led her friend gently off into the shadows, leaving her  flushed-face, exhilarated husband applauding. He had truly found his  dancing legs and was skipping about like Rob Roy with fleas.

‘How awful was that?' said Catherine. ‘I thought it would never end.'

‘Trust Murderous McKilt to be in our group,' said Stevie, all sorts of  sad and angry thoughts blasting through her body. ‘I didn't expect to  end up dancing with him when I set off with Will.'

‘Well, you got back with your original partner in the end,' said  Catherine. ‘Maybe it's symbolic,' she added, trying to give Stevie a bit  of hope, however weak it might sound.

‘Maybe,' said Stevie.

Oh poor love, thought Catherine, watching her friend's eyes follow Jo to  a quiet table for two in the opposite corner. Matthew joined her  tentatively a few moments afterwards in a move choreographed slickly as  the sweetly named Birds and Bees dance.

Catherine could tell Stevie had had enough by now, but she continued to  clap with the others at another jolly reel, watching the pairings split  and repair. Eddie still hadn't left the dance floor. Having refreshed  his passion for square-dancing, he was presently flinging his bulk about  with Auntie Madge and wondering if they sold men's kilts on eBay.

‘I think I'll slip away home now,' said Stevie. ‘I don't think my stiff upper lip can take any more.'

Catherine nodded and kissed her on the head.

‘I'm proud of you. You've acted like an absolute lady. Have a long  lie-in tomorrow and pick Danny up whenever. He won't thank you for being  early.'

Stevie didn't doubt it. It didn't appear that she was high up on anyone's list of ‘people to be happy to see'.



Stevie asked the lady on Reception to phone her a taxi, then she sat on  the big squashy couch, listening to the jolly strains of the music next  door. The taxi wasn't long in coming but no sooner had she got to the  glass exit doors than Matthew's voice came from behind.

‘Stevie, Stevie, wait!'

She turned around, a hopeful flutter in her heart, but he wasn't making  much eye-contact, which wasn't exactly an encouraging sign.

‘Sorry, bad timing. Your taxi's here, isn't it?'

‘Yes, it is,' she said. Her heart was thumping like a tom-tom issuing a distress signal.

‘Stevie, is it okay if I pop around tomorrow? About nine?'

‘In the morning?'

‘No, in the evening, when Danny's in bed.'

‘Yes, yes, of course.'

Outside, the taxi driver gave an impatient jab on his horn.

‘Okay, see you tomorrow then,' said Matthew, then he waved weakly and disappeared quickly back inside to the party.

‘Yes, see you tomorrow,' said Stevie to his cold slipstream.





Chapter 17




A fortnight ago, Adam had never even seen the bloody woman, and now it  seemed that everywhere he went, she was there as well. If her hatred of  him hadn't been so obvious, he would have thought she was stalking him.  His gym, the wedding and now the supermarket on a quiet Sunday morning.  Was there no peace?

He had been careful not to drink too much at the wedding last night. He  didn't want to give her or Matty Boy or Jo a speck of ammunition to use  against him and he needed to keep control of the situation at all times.  He had behaved impeccably and had even used the loo out in Reception so  he wouldn't bump into Matthew and scare him into making a mess of what  looked like a very expensive suit.