The Arrangement Anthology 2(80)

Emptiness consumes me and I shiver. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. The one place I want to be, I’m not allowed. Sean won’t let me touch him.

Sean must read my thoughts because he holds out his arms toward me. “Come here.” I do as he says and crawl toward him on the bed. It gives beneath me and I crash into his chest. Sean’s strong arms close tightly around me and he kisses the top of my head. “This is where you belong.”

I know he doesn’t like me against his chest, so it’s weird to hear him say it. I hedge, “No one gets this close to your heart for long. I know that. It’s all right, Sean. I’m asking too much.”

“But maybe you’re right. Maybe you should be that close to me. Maybe I should drop my walls a little, at least around you. You trusted me to do things that terrify you because it’s what I needed. I can do the same for you. I can hold you. I can let you in.”

Tears sting my eyes and I start blinking rapidly, trying to chase them away. “Don’t say things like that to me.” I push away from him. I can’t take any more promises that crumble in my hands. I’m completely mental.

I try to stand and walk away, but Sean grabs my wrist. “I want to be there for you, I swear to God. I just don’t know how. Avery, tell me what you need.”

I shake my head and turn my face away from him so he can’t see the pain in my eyes. I want a man that doesn’t need directions. That snappy little voice in my head reminds me, they all need directions.

Pressing my lips together, I look back at him. Sean’s rumpled clothes cling to his toned body. His arm is extended toward me, barely holding on. It’s as if he’ll set me free, if I want it. And that’s the question I can’t answer. What do I want? Do I want this kind of relationship? Do I want to be owned by someone? No matter what he says, that’s part of Sean Ferro. Even if I tried to break him of that habit, he’ll always feel that way. I’m his. Is that so bad?

My mind shifts and compares him to Black. If I work for her, she’ll own me as well. It seems like no matter which path I choose, someone will be making me do things that I don’t want to do. I can’t picture myself in Black’s position at all, but then again, having money and never worrying about where I’m going to live would be nice. It feels more secure than a life with Sean. Sean’s mood changes with the breeze. I’m walking eggshells around him. I want to be myself and Black’s offering that to me.

Before I can answer, Sean derails my thoughts. He releases my wrist and crawls across the bed and kneels in front of me. He offers an unsure smile. It lights up his face for a second and then fades. “I should give this back to you, if you’re leaving.” He pulls the ring off his finger and holds it out for me.

Staring at it, I wonder what to do. I want to take it back and I don’t. I want to yell at him and I want to hug him. That settles it…that’s the test. If he can’t do something as simple as a hug, I can’t take this anymore. I need to be comforted and I need his arms around me. I go in without warning and wrap my arms around his waist, and press my body firmly to his chest. Sean tenses and his hands hover like he doesn’t know what to do. Right when I’m about to pull away, his strong hands come down around me, and hold me tight. Sean presses a kiss to my temple and then does the unthinkable—he rocks backward and pulls me down on top of him.

I yelp and fall onto his chest. He laughs lightly, but doesn’t let go. “You have a one track mind, Miss Smith. All you want are hugs, day and night. What’s a guy supposed to do? I’m going to have some serious chaffing at this rate.” His teasing is light, but there’s worry behind his eyes.

I slap his chest and try to pull away, but he won’t let me. We’re both laughing and a second later I’m staring at his lips, dying to taste them. Sean slips his ring onto a filing cabinet and sweeps his eyes over my body before leaning in slowly. It’s like a first kiss. I’m flushed and nervous, hot and excited. I wonder if he’s going to do it, if he’s really going to taste my lips. Sean said he wouldn’t, that he needed time, but the way his gaze dips to my mouth and the way he barely breathes—it makes me think he wants this kiss as badly as I do.

Make up your mind, Avery. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. The voice inside my head has a warning tone, like I’m trying to set my eyelashes on fire.

I counter, He passed the hug test. Shut up!

Yeah, ‘cuz that was a great test.

Dear God, I’ve gone crazy. I’m talking to myself instead of kissing a really hot guy. One kiss won’t hurt anything. I can still decide things later. It doesn’t mean anything. Well, it shouldn’t, but it does, and this hug means everything to me, too.