The Arrangement Anthology 2(119)

“You would have.”

He doesn’t deny it. Instead his gaze moves over me slowly, taking me in. “Pain is power and it excites some people.”

“Some people, meaning you?”

He nods. “And possibly you. Check and see.”

I smile awkwardly. “What do you mean?”

“Are you wet, Avery? Did that little display of control turn you on?” I gape at him, not wanting to answer, but even drugged he recognizes my delay. “Show me. Put your fingers in your panties and then touch them to my mouth. Let me see for myself.”

“No.”

“We passed that part. Do it.” He’s stern, but there’s no way he can make me, not like this.

I know what it did, but I don’t want to share this information. Either way, it’s too late. When I fail to move, Sean slips his hand under the hem of my shirt. His sapphire eyes lock on mine as his palm slips over my stomach, then past my waist and lower. My mouth opens and I gasp as he touches me, every bit as sensitive as if I’d been lusting after him for hours. His fingers move and he takes his hand out, bringing his fingers to his lips and licking them one by one.

I laugh. “You’re exaggerating, Mr. Jones.”

“You have no idea what turns you on, Miss Smith. I think you might be a power junkie, because you are way too wet for that whole little display to not have had any effect on you.” He smirks slightly.

“What was that? You think this is funny?” I lean in closer to his face, careful not to lean on him. God, he’s beautiful. His scent fills my head and I love moments like this, when he says whatever he’s thinking and doesn’t hold back. I don’t deserve this chance. Last time he put his confidence in me, I pushed him away. I feel bad for a second, like I’m taking advantage of him. He could be pissed about this come morning, but I can’t pull away from him. I’m greedy and I’ll take what I can get. Life is too short not to.

“No,” his voice is light and he smiles at me. “I’m just glad our relationship being in shambles isn’t all my fault. Part of it is, I’m certain, but not all of it. You can’t be that wet, that turned on by a two second display of pain if it’s not hardwired into you.”

“That’s not true. I was just messing around.”

“No, you weren’t. And that’s what did it, right? It was intentional and there’s something wrong with it, right? Baby, I know all about it. You can tell me. You don’t have to be afraid of it.” His hand strokes my cheek as he pulls me close and kisses me lightly.

His words scare me, but something flutters in my stomach and it’s freeing. “It was cruel.” Shame flushes my face and I go to push off the bed, but he grabs me.

“I said you could stay, so stay. Use me, if that’s what you want. Make me scream out in pain. They’ll just give me more meds, and then you can do it again.” His eyes sparkle with delight, like he wants me to do it.

But I shy away. “I’m never doing anything like that again. I’ve hurt you enough to last a lifetime.” I pull away, but the words he seeded in my mind make my stomach twist and parts of me tingle even though they shouldn’t.

“If we stay together, it’ll happen again—to you, to me. You can’t hide that forever, Avery. It’ll tear you apart inside.” Sean’s eyes flutter and I know he’s not able to stay awake. “I’ve made mistakes that I can’t fix and it kills me. Every time I look at you, I see me a few years before Amanda died and took the baby with her. It was my fault, that’s why I let them blame me. I died that day and you’ve been living with that man’s ghost.”

“There are days that I can’t look in the mirror. I’ve caused so many people such horrible heartache. They never forgave me, and they shouldn’t. I can’t forgive me either. I should have gone home that day. I should have noticed, but I didn’t. That’s what happens to me—everything I touch turns to ash. I’ve tried so hard not to turn into my father that I never saw I was becoming my mother. She’s dead inside. When she came to visit earlier, her idea of a greeting was to kick the bed and ask me if I was still alive. She sounded disappointed when I replied.”

Sean blinks slowly at me. “The day that you jumped on the back of my bike, my world was tipped on its side. I’ve never seen anyone fight for life the way you do. I wish I could be the guy who takes you in his arms and lets you rest. I wish I could ease your pain and make your struggles lessen, but life is pain and by now I know better. I can’t go back to who I was, what I was. If I was a little lighter and you were a little darker, maybe we could meet in the middle and have a real chance, but you’re the sun and I’m the moon. We chase each other in the sky, but never meet for long. It’s not meant to be, no matter how much I love you. I have to let you go. I’m sorry.”