The Arrangement Anthology 2(117)

Bryan, we’re talking about Bryan. I don’t understand anything he just said except for the gun. I took it from the cabin. I was afraid they’d find the pilot I killed and blame Sean, so I kept it. I lied to his face over and over again. That gun shot Amanda. That gun was tied to so many bad things, but when Bryan asked for it he told me he had a plan. He also said he wouldn’t tell Sean he had it.

Swallowing hard, I say, “Bryan told you?” Oh shit. I stiffen and try to back away, but Sean grabs my wrist.

“I knew Bryan asked for it. Pete asked for it too, but things were better my way. I knew what I was doing, Avery. I trusted you and you gave the gun to him? Fuck. I knew how to live with the scorn and the public ready to tear me apart, but not this. I can’t endure this. Avery, they think Bryan did it—they think he killed Amanda. Mother came by a few moments ago and told me everything; so don’t pretend that I can’t handle it. Don’t handle me with kid gloves and come in here pretending to want to patch things up when you’re really here to see if it’s true.”

“If what’s true? Sean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The machine behind him starts to beep. His heart is racing too fast. I speak quickly, in a soothing voice, realizing that something has him upset, but without access to the rest of the world for a day, I don’t know what happened. “Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay.”

The beeping stops and he stares at me. “Bryan didn’t do it. I can’t let him take the blame for it, but they don’t listen and Mother let them think it. Hallie. God, the look on her face… It wasn’t supposed to go that way. It was my fault, my mistake, and he took the hit. Now he’s gone.”

It finally sinks in. I blink once, becoming acutely aware of everything. “Are you saying Bryan’s dead?”

Sean looks up into my face with sorrow and remorse. “It was my fault. The other night when I left you with Trystan, there was a reason. It didn’t play out right. I was trying to help him and I fucked it up, Avery. Everything I touch dies. Everyone around me is poisoned. I can’t stand it. It’s my fault he’s gone too soon. It’s my fault he had my gun and everyone thinks he killed Amanda.

“I could live with it, you know. I had a grasp on my identity even though no one else knew. It was fine—they didn’t have to know me. I shut them all out, every single one, even you. You were right to walk away. It was your only chance. I can’t take you back. I won’t. I love you too much. I can’t do this again, Avery—I can’t.” His voice breaks on the last two words and he covers his face with his arm, hiding the tears on his cheek.

Taking his wrist, I lift his arm slightly and peer at him. Those blue eyes catch mine, and I see so much sorrow that I can barely hold his gaze. “I love you, too, and I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever.”

His arm slips to his side and his voice picks up a pleading tone. “You have to. I won’t marry you, not today, not tomorrow. I can’t fathom the life I’m about to have, and to pull you down with me is cruel. It’s unfair to you, Avery, and I won’t do it. I want you to have the life you dreamed of with the picket fence and the baby playing in the yard. I can see you there. I’ll help you get there, but you’ll have to go without me. I can’t cause you more pain, I couldn’t live with myself.”

Despite the words, the way he says that I need to stay away, I’m drawn to him. His candor is rare and in these moments I feel more connected to him than ever before. Leaning in closer and closer, my heart pounds harder and harder, until we’re lip to lip. Sean stops and I stare into his eyes, certain that I see his soul. He’s afraid, so full of fear that he can’t speak.

Brushing my fingers along his cheek, I wipe away a tear. “Did you say you love me?”

Sean tries to look away, but I don’t let him. Taking his chin in my hand, I pull it back toward me. “Avery, don’t.”

“I know you’re at your breaking point. I see it, my love. Trust me, just a little bit, just for tonight. Say anything, dream anything, and pretend that you have me.”

Sean looks hopeful. “You’ll stay the night?”

I nod. “If you’ll let me.”

“What about Scott?”

Smiling at his jealousy, I say, “I love you. Trystan’s just my friend. He’s not you.” Our eyes lock and something in the moment shifts. I see the walls fall and the relief flood from his heart. Guilt flares inside of me. The thing with Trystan isn’t clear, I can’t tell him that it’s possible we slept together and now isn’t the time. Sean needs someone. It sounds like his awful mother came in, told him he was responsible for his cousin’s death and left.