The Alpha’s Desire 1(38)

 

 

 

The website spoke of finding a quiet place without interruption or distraction. Right now, I was my own worst distraction. I’d have to work hard on calming my mind. But, I couldn’t think of a better place than my balcony at two o’clock in the morning to find solitude outside. Sure, a car or person moved about in the parking lot from time to time, but this was New York, so that was about as peaceful as it got outdoors. I felt the need to do the ceremony outside this first time, to be as close to the wolf as possible. I’d take any extra edge I could get.

 

 

 

Next, it said to draw a circle to sit in with a sacred medicine. I didn’t have sweet grass or cedar on hand. Heck, I didn’t even have sage to cook with, though I figured they meant the whole leaf rather than the dry powder kind anyway. What I did have was tobacco, even if in a chemical-ridden form.

 

 

 

I had a friend down the hall who smoked. Stars aligned in my favor and all, she’d left her pack of smokes here the other night when she’d stopped by to chat, as she did about once a week. I’d gotten the idea she was lonely, new here in the city just a few months, and I enjoyed the company from time to time. Desperate for anything even close to a sacred medicine at this point, I went to get the pack I’d left on the counter in the kitchen. Better that than nothing. I broke a few open into a cereal bowl. Back out on the balcony, I made a small circle with the dried tobacco, just big enough to fit my body in, right at my sliding glass door. I figured sitting there gave me the least chance of being noticed.

 

 

 

Sitting in the circle in a meditative pose, I started the deep breathing exercises. Not a yoga enthusiast, I managed to make myself lightheaded as I pulled air into my stomach and let it out slowly. Somewhat of a rush, but still I focused on the task of clearing my mind.

 

 

 

Not an easy task, I attempted to see only black, to stop any thoughts. My wolf tonight, the full body image of him standing there, his head turned back to look at me, I dismissed with some difficulty. The computer screen full of words about the ceremony replaced that, and I pushed it from my mind, as well. Feeling accomplished, clearer, more relaxed, an image of a stark naked Lex, his cock at full attention, bullied its way into my emptiness.

 

 

 

Turning my groan into an om sound, I rolled my shoulders back down and tried to think of the color black. It matched the bit of sadness that had crept into my peace anyway. Getting as good as it was going to get as far as being relaxed and clear-headed, I pictured my wolf in my mind. Each time the jittery feelings of excitement or fear took over my body, I concentrated harder on the breathing. Pushing out my full stomach, I pulled air in. Sucking my stomach back in, I let the air out. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d passed out. Instead, I rode the odd sensations, getting my wolf clearly in my mind. The golden eyes became clear, as if in my mind. I shivered. The black hair riddled with a grey or silver-ish undercoat took form in my brain, went from fuzzy to crystal clear. His large paws, houses to sharp claws, focused.

 

 

 

I called to him then, practically begged him to come to me. Over and over again, I asked for him. In my mind, I told the broad, bold image how much I needed him. I pleaded that I wouldn’t fear him. I peeked out of one eye, but saw nothing on my balcony save my chair. Still with just one eye open, I stretched to look over the edge, and saw only cars and a dumpster.

 

 

 

Trying again, I side-stepped pleading in favor of a healthy dose of reasoning. I told him with just my thoughts why I needed him, why I wanted so badly to know him better. I acknowledged how privileged I felt to have had him in my life all these years, and I thanked him for his faithful service. A presence made me open my eyes. I blinked a few times, making sure what I saw wasn’t a figment of my imagination. At the back of the parking lot, at the start of the fence, just inside the shadow of the corner, stood my wolf.

 

 

 

The eyes, so gold, locked with mine. I grabbed the leg of the chair I sat next to for support. My heart thumped in my chest, and my erratic breaths burned my lungs. Somewhere in my mind, a plea for him, asking him to come closer to me, rang out. At this point, tiny sparks of pain fired off randomly in my skull. Desperate need could be painful, and I’d been there far too many times in life to care about the physical affliction of it. Who knew if the need was his or mine? At this particular moment, I’d have claimed us to be two halves of the same whole.

 

 

 

Calm, came a thought into my mind.

 

 

 

I hadn’t thought it. The whole resonance of the word seemed foreign, yet familiar. Yes, I’d heard the voice in my dreams. My wolf.