The 5 Love Languages(53)
My son would never walk with me. He said, “Walking’s dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If you’re going somewhere, drive.”
“Quality Time” was not his primary love language. As parents, we often try to pour all of our children into the same mold. We go to parenting conferences or read books on parenting, get some wonderful ideas, and want to go home and practice with each child. The problem is that each child is different, and what communicates love to one child may not communicate love to another. Forcing a child to take a walk with you so that you can spend quality time together will not communicate love. We must learn to speak our children’s language if we want them to feel loved.
I believe that most parents sincerely love their children. I also believe that thousands of parents have failed to communicate love in the proper language and thousands of children in this country are living with an empty emotional tank. I believe that most misbehavior in children and teenagers can be traced to empty love tanks.
It is never too late to express love. If you have older children and realize that you have been speaking the wrong love language, why not tell them? “You know, I have been reading a book on how to express love, and I realize that I have not been expressing my love to you in the best way through the years. I have tried to show you my love by _______, but I’m now realizing that that probably has not communicated love to you, that your love language is probably something different. I am beginning to think that your love language is probably _______. You know, I really do love you, and I hope that in the future I can express it to you in better ways.” You might even want to explain the five love languages to them and discuss your love language as well as theirs.
Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children. If they are old enough to understand the concept of love languages, your discussion may open their eyes. You may be surprised at their willingness to start speaking your love language and, if they do, you might be surprised at the way your feelings and attitudes toward them begin to change. When family members start speaking each other’s primary love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly enhanced.
chapter fourteen
A PERSONAL WORD
In chapter 2, I warned the reader that “understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior.” Now I ask, “What do you think?” Having read these pages, walked in and out of the lives of several couples, visited small villages and large cities, sat with me in the counseling office, and talked with people in restaurants, what do you think? Could these concepts radically alter the emotional climate of your marriage? What would happen if you discovered the primary love language of your spouse and chose to speak it consistently?
Neither you nor I can answer that question until you have tried it. I know that many couples who have heard this concept at my marriage seminars say that choosing to love and expressing it in the primary love language of their spouse has made a drastic difference in their marriage. When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.
We each come to marriage with a different personality and history. We bring emotional baggage into our marriage relationship. We come with different expectations, different ways of approaching things, and different opinions about what matters in life. In a healthy marriage, that variety of perspectives must be processed. We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive. With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences and to negotiate problems. I am convinced that no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage as much as meeting the emotional need for love.
The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not loving you, may seem impossible for some. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number of years ago, as I faced my own marital struggles, I rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had been trained to examine data. I decided to personally excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining the historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection, I came to view His death as an expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. I became a true “believer.” I committed my life to Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would encourage you to make your own investigation of the one whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him: “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression.