The 5 Love Languages(52)
RECEIVING GIFTS
Many parents and grandparents speak the language of gifts excessively. In fact, when one visits toy stores, one wonders if parents believe that is the only language of love. If parents have the money, they tend to buy many gifts for their children. Some parents believe that that is the best way to show love. Some parents try to do for their children what their parents were unable to do for them. They buy things that they wish they had had as a child. But unless that is the primary love language of the child, gifts may mean little emotionally to the child. The parent has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting the emotional needs of the child by giving gifts.
If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the child seldom says “thank you,” if the child does not take care of the gifts that you have given, if she does not prize those gifts, chances are “Receiving Gifts” is not her primary love language. If, on the other hand, your child responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she shows others the gift and tells others how wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if she plays with it often over an extended period of time, then perhaps “Receiving Gifts” is her primary love language.
What if you have a child for whom “Receiving Gifts” is his or her primary love language but you cannot afford many gifts? Remember, it’s not the quality or cost of the gift; it is the “thought that counts.” Many gifts can be handmade, and sometimes the child appreciates that gift more than an expensive, manufactured gift. In fact, younger children will often play with a box more than the toy that came in it. You can also find discarded toys and refinish them. The process of refinishing can become a project for both parent and child. You need not have lots of money in order to provide gifts for your children.
ACTS OF SERVICE
When children are small, parents are continually doing “Acts of Service” for them. If they did not, the child would die. Bathing, feeding, and dressing all require a great deal of work in the first few years of a child’s life. Then comes cooking, washing, and ironing. Then comes packing lunches, running a taxi service, and helping with homework. Such things are taken for granted by many children, but for other children those things communicate love.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they are emotionally important to him or her. Your acts of service are communicating love in a meaningful way. When you help him with a science project, it means more than a good grade. It means “My parent loves me.” When you fix a bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels. You send him away with a full tank. If your child consistently offers to help you with your work projects, it probably means that in his mind that is a way of expressing love, and “Acts of Service” likely is his primary love language.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We have long known that “Physical Touch” is an emotional communicator to children. Research has shown that babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not. Naturally many parents and other adults pick up an infant, hold it, cuddle it, kiss it, squeeze it, and speak silly words to it. Long before the child understands the meaning of the word love, she feels loved. Hugging, kissing, patting, holding hands are all ways of communicating love to a child. The hugging and kissing of a teenager will differ from the hugging and kissing of an infant. Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior in the presence of peers, but that doesn’t mean that he does not want to be touched, especially if it is his primary love language.
If your teenager is regularly coming up behind you and grabbing your arms, lightly pushing you, grabbing you by the ankle when you walk through the room, tripping you, those are all indications that “Physical Touch” is important to him.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language. Take note of the things they request of you. Many times, their request will be in keeping with their own love language. Notice the things for which they are most appreciative. Those are likely indicators of their primary love language.
Our daughter’s love language is “Quality Time”; thus, as she grew up, she and I often took walks together. During her high school years while she attended Salem Academy, one of the oldest girls’ academies in the country, we took walks amid the quaint surroundings of Old Salem. The Moravians have restored the village, which is more than two hundred years old. Walking the cobblestone streets takes one back to a simpler time. Strolling through the ancient cemetery gives one a sense of reality about life and death. In those years, we walked three afternoons a week and had long discussions in that austere setting. She is a medical doctor now, but when she comes home, she almost always says, “Want to take a walk, Dad?” I have never refused her invitation.