The 5 Love Languages(50)

In the next six months, Ann saw a tremendous change in Glenn’s attitude and treatment of her. The first month, he was flippant and treated the whole thing lightly. But after the second month, he gave her positive feedback about her efforts. In the last four months, he responded positively to almost all of her requests, and her feelings for him began to change drastically. Glenn never came for counseling, but he did listen to some of my tapes and discuss them with Ann. He encouraged Ann to continue her counseling, which she did for another three months after our experiment. To this day, Glenn swears to his friends that I am a miracle worker. I know in fact that love is a miracle worker.





Perhaps you need a miracle in your own marriage. Why not try Ann’s experiment? Tell your spouse that you have been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting his/her needs. Ask for suggestions on how you could improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Then, for six months, focus your attention on that love language. At the end of each month, ask your spouse for feedback on how you are doing and for further suggestions.

Whenever your spouse indicates that he is seeing improvement, wait one week and then make a specific request. The request should be something you really want him to do for you. If he chooses to do it, you will know that he is responding to your needs. If he does not honor your request, continue to love him. Maybe next month he will respond positively. If your spouse starts speaking your love language by responding to your requests, your positive emotions toward him will return, and in time your marriage will be reborn. I cannot guarantee the results, but scores of people whom I have counseled have experienced the miracle of love.





NOTES

1. Luke 6:27–28, 31–32.

2. Luke 6:38.





chapter thirteen





CHILDREN AND LOVE LANGUAGES





Does the concept of love languages apply to children? I am often asked that question by those attending my marriage seminars. My unqualified answer is yes. When children are little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behavior, you can learn their primary love language rather early.

Bobby is six years old. When his father comes home from work, Bobby jumps into his lap, reaches up, and messes up his father’s hair. What is Bobby saying to his father? “I want to be touched.” He is touching his father because he wants to be touched. Bobby’s primary love language is likely “Physical Touch.”

Patrick lives next door to Bobby. He is five and a half, and he and Bobby are playmates. Patrick’s father, however, faces a different scenario when he comes home from work. Patrick says excitedly, “Come here, Daddy. I want to show you something. Come here.”

His father says, “Just a minute, Patrick, I want to look at the paper.”

Patrick leaves for a moment but is back in fifteen seconds, saying, “Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you now, Daddy. I want to show you now.”

His father replies, “Just a minute, son. Let me finish reading.”

Patrick’s mother calls him, and he dashes off. His mother tells him that his father is tired and please let him read the paper for a few minutes. Patrick says, “But, Mommy, I want to show him what I made.”

“I know,” says his mother, “but let Dad read for a few minutes.”

Sixty seconds later, Patrick is back to his father and instead of saying anything, he jumps into his father’s paper, laughing. His father says, “What are you doing, Patrick?”

Patrick says, “I want you to come to my room, Daddy. I want to show you what I made.”

What is Patrick requesting? “Quality Time.” He wants his father’s undivided attention, and he won’t stop until he gets it, even if he must create a scene.





If your child is often making presents for you, wrapping them up and giving them to you with a special glee in his or her eye, your child’s primary love language is probably “Receiving Gifts.” He gives to you because he desires to receive. If you observe your son or daughter always trying to help a younger brother or sister, it probably means that his or her primary love language is “Acts of Service.” If he or she is often telling you how good you look and what a good mother or father you are and what a good job you did, it is an indicator that his or her primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.”

All of that is on the subconscious level for the child. That is, the child is not consciously thinking, “If I give a gift, my parents will give me a gift; if I touch, I will be touched,” but her behavior is motivated by her own emotional desires. Perhaps she has learned by experience that when she does or says certain things, she typically receives certain responses from her parents. Thus, she does or says that which results in getting her own emotional needs met. If all goes well and their emotional needs are met, children develop into responsible adults; but if the emotional need is not met, they may violate acceptable standards, expressing anger toward parents who did not meet their needs, and seeking love in inappropriate places.