Sweet Nothing(46)

Love you for infinity,



A





After releasing my last period prisoners from class, I rush home, tear off my dress, glasses, and heels, and slip into workout clothes and my running shoes. Running used to be my sanctuary, the only space where I could be completely alone with my thoughts. But once the trial started, I couldn’t even run through Central Park without being recognized. I haven’t gone for a jog since.

This afternoon, running isn’t a want; it’s a need. My conversation with Luke during lunch has left me completely directionless. I don’t know what I want with him. I don’t know what his having a daughter means for us. If I decide to accept this, what role am I supposed to have in her life? And if I don’t, are we supposed to go back to being coworkers? I don’t know if I can. And if I don’t know, I’m definitely not ready to explain everything to Waverly and Gwen.

Thanks to a drama club meeting and an upcoming Allford Gazette deadline, the girls won’t be home before dinner. I tuck my cell into my sports bra and head toward campus. There’s a bike path just south of the grounds that winds alongside the bay, and I break into a jog once I reach it. Two minutes in, my legs are sore and my lungs feel like they’re going to explode. My body is slick with sweat. The humidity is thick and leaning hard against me with every step.

I ignore the pain in my body to focus on the debris cluttering my mind. Weighing on my heart. If only I could talk to Aria. We’d sit on her bed, cross-legged in the sea of stuffed animals she refuses to give away. And she’d ask all the right questions. And she wouldn’t judge me for not telling Luke about our family, when he’s told me everything about his.

All of this is impossible, I know. She would hate me if she knew I’ve been hiding my past. She’d never understand that I’ve done it to protect myself.

A memory overcomes me; burrows its way to the front of my consciousness before I can stop it.



—We can protect you, said one of the agents at the door. It was raining. I was alone. They’d been watching the house for days. They knew I was alone.

—I don’t need your fucking protection. He’s my father. I throw my weight behind the heavy wooden door and start to heave it shut. A strong palm smacks the wood, stopping me in my tracks.

—You know how many lives he’s wrecked, Ms. Halloran?

—No, I don’t. It’s his work. It doesn’t involve me. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth. I didn’t know the specifics, didn’t know just how far his crimes reached. But to say that his affairs didn’t involve me was so incredibly wrong. Of course they did. They always had.

—We just want to talk to you. That’s all.

—No, you don’t. You want me to give you something you can use against him.

—If you had enough for a warrant, you’d be inside already. I couldn’t believe how calm I sounded. How afraid I felt of the rage beneath my cool exterior. I hated that my father had put me in this position. That he was forcing me to choose between what was right, and family. I hated that my mother was going about business as usual, when she must have known. My father had told me just a few days earlier that he’d been relieved to see it all end. So why couldn’t he end it himself?

—It’s just a few questions. And a chance to do the right thing.

—You can’t be here when he gets home. I scanned the street. No sign of my mother, my father, or Aria. I turned from the doorway and the agents followed me inside.



A mile from home I double over, gasping for air. My chest is so tight, I can hardly breathe. Sweat stings my eyes and runs into my mouth. I swipe it away with the hem of my t-shirt. I’m overcome with feelings of betrayal, with a fury I’ve never felt toward him. Or never acknowledged. I’ve spent so much energy hating my mother, fearing for my sister, that I haven’t held my father accountable for the lives he’s ruined.

Everything in my body is screaming for me to give up, but I pick up the pace again, ignoring the pain. How can I be angry with Luke for trying to be a good father to his little girl? I’m still hurt that he hid part of his life from me, but I can’t blame him for holding back. For being protective of his family.

My soles slam against the sandy pavement. A few blocks from the cottage, I break through an invisible barrier. My body buzzes with fresh energy. Resolve. With every step, I’m looser, more clear-headed.

My legs feel like jelly by the time I reach home. I kick off my sneakers and nestle my socks inside them. Inside my room, I peel off my damp running clothes and toss my cell on the bed. I’m about to shower when the phone rings. It’s Luke.