Snared(76)

He stood and I followed. He clapped a hand on my shoulder and turned away, heading toward the door. When he pulled the door open, he turned back to face me. “I have to go, Beau. I know you’ll do the right thing for all of you.”

“You don’t hate me for what I did?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I deserved to be hated. I’d been despised most of my life so I couldn’t fathom why he didn’t seem to hate me.

Dr. Knight looked me straight in the eyes. “Hate you? Oh, Beau.” He crossed the room again and pulled me into a hug. It was foreign, the feeling of a man showing me affection. While it was strange, it was oddly comforting. “I could never hate you. You take care of yourself, okay? If you need anything at all, please let me know. Dr. Viola and Dr. Grant are good friends of mine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t be afraid of your feelings.”

“I tried to kill myself in front of her,” I whispered. “She was screaming and begging me to stop, but I couldn’t hear her. I hate myself for doing that to April. I know what it feels like, to see that. My dad killed himself, and I found him. I can’t forgive myself for doing that to her, for putting those visions in her head. Still to this day I have visions of him hanging from the doorway. What have I done to her?”

“Son.” He put hand on my shoulder and squeezed softly. “Go to her. Let her see you’re okay. She’s sick with worry. Then you both put it past you and move forward. You can’t take it back, but you can move forward.”

It was easier said than done, but I nodded anyway. In the back of my mind, I still thought letting her move forward meant moving forward without me, despite every cell in my body screaming for the exact opposite.



Natalie pulled into April’s driveway and cut the engine, both of us silent. No words needed to be said. I’d made her drive around for two hours after I was discharged from the hospital. She’d let the band know I needed tonight to come to terms with my new reality and we’d see them tomorrow, but I hadn’t been ready. So we’d gone to Beats and I’d banged the hell out of some drums. It had been awkward to play drums with the cast, but I’d made it work. I wouldn’t be doing any epic solos any time soon or anything like that, but it did what I’d needed it to do. Thank God Bex hadn’t had everything picked up yet. The second I’d sat down at the drum kit and picked up a pair of drumsticks, I’d felt the stress leaving my shoulders.

It hadn’t helped for long, because no matter how hard I hit the drums and cymbals or how many songs I slammed out, the reality was I had to deal with both Robbie and April. At the same time. While I was the strongest emotionally I had been probably in years, that didn’t make me strong enough.

Natalie, Dr. Grant, and I had a long conversation before I’d been discharged. We’d run through all the possible scenarios of what could happen when I got to April’s house and strategies for if they happened. A rock had settled in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I’d swallowed cotton. I’d had to deal with a lot of hard shit in my life, but this might put the icing on the cake.

I was fucking terrified. I hadn’t spoken a word in over an hour, just shook my head at Natalie when she’d asked if I was ready yet. We’d made many loops around the outskirts of Orlando, but it was past time for me to face it like the man I was supposed to be. I thought of everything Dr. Knight had told me and I tried to believe it. I tried to believe I could do this with both Robbie and April, but I knew there was only one of them who had to be stuck with me.

I’m sorry, Robbie, I thought, looking through the front window to the house. The lights were on, and the house was warm and inviting. I remembered the last time I had been here when I woke up next to April and knew it was going to be a fun day. And it had been. Until it had become the worst day of my life. It felt like both yesterday and years ago at the same time. I’m sorry you have to have me as a parent. I wish you would’ve hit the parent lotto a little better, buddy. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

What was he going to say when he found out I was his dad? He was nine years old, not a little toddler who was happy as long as they had their favorite blankey. What would happen when I walked into that house and saw April? I wasn’t sure which thing I was more terrified about. It vacillated in my head, volleying back and forth between April and Robbie.

“Are you ready now?” Natalie’s voice interrupted my thoughts. She’d been so patient with me, waiting as long as I needed to get here.

I took a deep breath and tapped my fingers on my cast. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,” I admitted, opening the car door. “But it’s not going to go away. Let’s do this.” I’d asked Natalie to stay, even though she’d offered to leave and stay with Bex for the night to give April and me some privacy with Robbie.