Snared(77)

I was terrified to be alone with the two of them. I needed her to be there. So she, of course, agreed to stay. Someday my sister would get to have a life outside of me. I promised myself that much. But tonight, I needed her to be the rock she’d always been.

We reached the front door, and Natalie turned back at me one more time. I nodded slightly, the words failing to acknowledge to go ahead and open the door. My heart rattled in my chest, and I felt lightheaded, but the panic was at bay for now. I planned to keep it that way. Armed with enough prescriptions and techniques to keep me sane for a while, I was as good as I was going to get.

As soon as she opened the door, I smelled something wonderful cooking. My stomach rumbled despite my nerves. Natalie took my small bag from the hospital and laid it on the table next to the door, and we walked silently through the house until we got to the kitchen. I loved April’s house. It was so homey and comfortable. Maybe that was because April was in it, but still.

Robbie sat at the bar; his head bent over as he furiously wrote on a piece of paper. April’s back was to us while she stirred something on the stove. Her dark hair was in a braid over her shoulder, and she was wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. She took my breath away.

Finally hearing us, both Robbie and April turned to us at the same time.

“BEAU!” Robbie shouted, jumping off the bar stool and running up to me. “Are you okay? I was so worried about you!”

I glanced down at this beautiful boy, half of me inside him, and tears pricked the backs of my eyes. His eyes were wide and content; his face was split with a grin. He was happy to see me.

“Hi, Robbie. Yes, I’m much better, thank you.” I ruffled his hair, the urge to pull him into my arms so strong I almost did. But I needed to wait. I didn’t want him to feel violated by me once he knew the truth.

“You broke your hand? Oh, man! How are you going to drum? Oh—I got to try playing the drums! It was awesome, but I can’t wait to do it with you sometime.” Robbie stepped back and grabbed a stack of papers from the counter. My mind was already spinning, barely registering his words. “I made all of these for you. I haven’t been going to school, so I’ve had a lot of time. I wanted you to know I missed you.” He handed me a two-inch stack of papers. As I flipped through them, I saw a recurring theme. It was him and me playing the drums with the words “GET WELL SOON” on each one.

“Yeah, I broke my hand, but it’ll be better soon, and then I’ll be back to business. Thank you, Robbie. These are amazing. I’ll keep them forever.” He didn’t seem to be too upset about what I’d done in front of him at the group home. I guess he missed most of the major stuff, thank God.

I heard Natalie sniffle behind me, and I knew she was fighting to keep control. I dared to look up at April. She was staring at me; her hands twisted together in front of her and a small smile played on her lips as she glanced at me and then at Robbie. She stepped closer to me once I gave her my attention, her eyes searching mine for any sign of what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted nothing more than to grab her and pull her to me and bury my face in her neck, smelling the intoxicating smell of April Knight. But I couldn’t.

“April,” I said. “It smells superb in here. Thank you . . . for everything.” My words sounded formal and stiff, even to me. She got it. Her expression fell, and she stepped back, nodding her head once at my refusal.

“Beau. It’s good to see you.” I didn’t miss the emotion in her voice, but I had to break my gaze from hers. It was overwhelming, the urge I had to haul her into my arms and apologize all while kissing the hell out of her. “I have dinner ready . . .”

We sat down, the silence awkward as we tried to talk to each other without really talking. April asked me how I was feeling and how much longer my hand had to be casted. Natalie talked to Robbie about some game they’d been playing at night. I couldn’t do much talking beyond a few one-word answers. As great as the food was, I could only stomach a few bites before I started pushing the food around on my plate.

Once April got up and started clearing the table, I knew it was time for me to pull Robbie aside and talk to him. “Hey, Robbie?” The child turned and looked at me, waiting. “Can I talk to you in the living room for a little while?”

He nodded. “Do you want to play the game Natalie and I have been playing? It’s super fun.”

“Maybe later. I need to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.”

Natalie stood up with me, and we headed to the living room. I could hear April in the kitchen, the dishes clanging in the sink as she rinsed and loaded the dishwasher. Robbie sat on the couch next to Natalie, snuggling up next to her like he’d been here all along. But something didn’t feel right about what I was doing. Something was . . . off. If I thought about it, I knew exactly what it was.