Snared(75)

How was he doing? He should’ve been a goddamn shrink because he was spot on and then some. “You’re doing fucking fantastic.” I felt a laugh bubble up into my chest, but I squashed it. What the hell was so funny?

“I met Sophie at the lowest point of her life, too,” he continued. “She didn’t think she was good enough for me and that her issues would only take me down with her. It took me a long time to convince her I wasn’t in our relationship to take care of her, but I was in it to love her more than she ever thought possible. Still to this day, Beau, I look at that woman and know I didn’t save her. She saved me. She loved me even when I didn’t feel lovable. She believed in me when I wanted to give up. After we lost Lucia, I was worried I’d lose Sophie. We were still so young, and I thought of Sophie as fragile. But I was wrong . . . so damn wrong. Sophie was my lifeline when I wanted to give up. If I couldn’t save my child, how could I save anyone else’s? April’s a strong girl. She’ll make it if you decide you don’t want to be with her anymore. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not you who needs her. It could be that she needs you just as much.”

I wanted to clam up and shut down, which was my M.O. But I knew Dr. Knight deserved better than that. April deserved better. He’d come here to talk to me, and I needed to respect that.

“You’re right. April has gotten to me, and I’m not sure how to handle that. I’ve shut people out for so long; it feels foreign to let someone in. When I look at her, I see perfection. I know that’s not true, that none of us are perfect, but she’s damn near close to it as far as I’m concerned. Then I think about myself, and I know I’m a broken man with more issues than anyone should ever have to deal with. Now, on top of that, I have a child I never knew about. I don’t know how to do any of this. I keep picturing April giving up everything for me and years down the road being unhappy that she did that.”

“Let me tell you something about April,” Dr. Knight said. “She doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. I admit, I pushed her more than I should’ve when she was a teenager. I wanted her to go into medicine. She kept telling me no. I should’ve known where her heart was since she spent her entire childhood with my wife, working her heart out for those kids. But because she wanted to make me happy, she went to medical school. You know how long that lasted before she—very politely I might add—told me to go stuff it? One year. She was miserable and realized that wasn’t for her. Ever since then, I’ve learned to listen to my girl. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it. Then once she has it, she does it to the best of her ability and never looks back. So when she told me she . . . cared about you, I never doubted for one second that she’d do whatever it took to get what she wanted.”

I opened and closed my mouth, a response failing to compute.

“So stop thinking you’re going to hold her back or that you aren’t enough for her. If my girl says you’re enough, you are. Don’t let your insecurities cloud what could be the best thing ever to happen to you. Yeah, you have a son now. Nothing about that scares April.”

“It should, though. I know how hard I was to deal with as a child, and even now as an adult. I don’t understand a lot of what I feel or why I feel it. I—”

“That makes you the best person to deal with this.” He interrupted me. “You remember what it’s like to be a child who ached to be understood in a world that was judgmental and harsh. You’re the perfect person to be a father to Robbie. April isn’t afraid of you, Beau, and she’s not afraid to help you with Robbie.”

“But I don’t want her to think she has to be an instant mom or something because I’m incompetent as a father.” Might as well put every single insecurity out there; what did I have to lose?

Dr. Knight smiled. “Are you finished making excuses? I know you’re a bigger man than that. When you look at April, what do you see?”

Excuses? They weren’t excuses. They were valid reasons why I didn’t want to saddle April with both of us. Even if it would leave me alone and empty. What did I see? I saw the most beautiful, most amazing woman I’d ever known.

“You don’t need to answer me,” he said. “You just showed me everything written all over your face. Go get her, Beau. Don’t let her suffer without you anymore, and stop your suffering in the meantime. Rarely do things make perfect sense when written all out on a pros and cons list, but that doesn’t make them any less meant to be.”