Second(13)

Did I want to be here for it? Will going through all his stuff be closure for me, or will it just make me miserable? I don’t really know. I do know that I don’t want to deal with it right now though.

“What will you do with all his clothes and stuff?” I ask him.

“Why don’t you take whatever you want to keep, and the rest we’ll give to Kate,” he suggests. “She can decide what she wants to do with everything.”

“Yeah, okay,” I murmur, glancing around the room, wondering what I wanted to keep with me.

Dean stands and leaves the room, giving me space, and I’m thankful for that. I walk to our his-and-her wardrobe, open it, and look to the right, to his side. His clothes stare at me, and I lift my hand and run it along them. After a few moments, I take out four of his favourite t-shirts and the suit he wore at our wedding. I reach on top and take down all of our photo albums, and put them all on the bed. There’s no way I want to lose any of those. I keep his signature cologne bottle, a little creepy, but the slightest whiff of it reminds me of him, and I think that could be comforting. Everything else can go.

I guess it doesn’t belong here without him.



*****



“I’m glad you’re out and about,” my best friend says, wrapping her arm around me. “I’ve missed you.”

I glance away from the TV screen to look at her. “I’ve been struggling.”

It’s hard to admit out loud, even though everyone knows it to be the truth. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want anyone to think of weakness when they think of me. I want them to think of strength. Of a woman who can’t be pushed down to the ground without getting up. A fighter. I am a fighter. Even the strongest of people have their moments. Losing someone you love isn’t easy, especially when you love as hard as I do. I love with everything I have, and give my all to those I love. I was all in with Ben. What happens when the person you give all of yourself to is gone?

You struggle.

You grieve, you absorb that pain and carry it with you everywhere you go. That is strength: the ability to go on and push forward, no matter how long it takes you to get there. It’s not a race. Everyone heals in different ways, in their own time. I don’t know when I will, but I do know it will happen. I’m hopeful, and hope is a powerful thing.

“I know, honey,” she says, face crumpling. “I know. I’ve been struggling watching you struggle.”

She rests her hand on mine and gives it a light squeeze. “So Dean’s packing up all of Ben’s things?”

I nod miserably. “Yeah. I know it should be me doing it, but I think I’m still in denial.”

“You’ll get there, Bina. I’m just glad that you’ve left your bed and had a shower.” She pauses then adds, “And washed your hair. Brushing it must have been quite the mission.”

“You have no idea.” I groan, then laugh a little. “I just wanted to pretend I didn’t exist, you know? But now it’s time to face everything.”

She nods, tucking her blonde hair back behind her ear. “I knew you’d get there. Seeing you not eating scared me though, because food is your life.”

I roll my eyes, even though it really is.

“How delicious is Dean, by the way? I haven’t seen him since Ben’s birthday last year. I’m surprised he even remembered my name!” she says, fanning herself. “He’s even hotter in person, I think. You should ask him for tickets to his next concert.”

“Why don’t you ask him?” I say, smirking. “I don’t want to ask, I’d rather just buy them myself.”

“And be right in the back as opposed to front row?” she asks, sighing. “Why are you so damn stubborn all the time? You aren’t going to owe him anything just because he gave you concert tickets. He’s your family.”

Is he, though? He was my family through Ben, and now there is no Ben. Soon, Dean and I won’t even keep in touch. He’ll just be someone I used to know, and I’ll just be his cousin’s widow. The thought makes me sad. Dean has really come through for me, and I don’t know what I’d have done without his help. I’d probably have left Ben’s clothes there forever like a total creep.

“It’s like you said, I just don’t like feeling like I owe people anything,” I say, giving her the short version. “I know you say that I won’t, but I would still feel like I did. So it’s easier not to.” I don’t know, I’d rather just rely on me and me alone, and I just hate asking for favours. If I ask you for something, I truly trust you. And I don’t trust many people. Tara and Ben are the only ones. And now it’s just Tara.