Say You Want Me(79)

When I got home, I thought it would only take a few days to get settled back into life. I had no idea it would feel like my insides have shriveled up. Nothing feels the same. Not even Starbucks tastes good. Nothing does. I miss the fresh air, rolling hills, and that hardheaded asshole. More than that, I hate that Faith is buried there, and I’m here. I can’t go see her. I can’t talk to her on that hill.

I’m more alone now than I was before.

My body isn’t healing. I’m achy, unable to eat, and all I want to do is sleep.

“Angie, I’m worried about you.” She places her hand on my arm. “I think maybe you should talk to someone?”

“I’m just sad.”

“I can’t say I understand, because I’ve never been through it, but I’ll listen.” She’s sweet. It’s why I brought her on. Not only is she smart, but she really does have a heart of gold.

“I appreciate it.”

The truth is, I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing left to say. I fell in love with a man who didn’t love me. If he had, he would’ve shown it. I needed him. Sure he was there physically, but he checked out every other way.

If I’d stayed, nothing would’ve changed. He showed me that.

It’s been fourteen days and not one single word.

I’ve fought myself from calling or texting him, but I vowed to put my mangled heart back in my chest and hoped it would beat again. I don’t think that will happen if I call him and hear his voice.

“Want to grab something to eat?” Erin asks.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Angie.” She sighs. “You’re miserable here.”

I’m miserable in general. Who knew that heartbreak could hurt so bad? I always thought people were just dramatic. I never could grasp how they couldn’t move on when a relationship didn’t work out. Now, I get it. I so get it.

“I feel like I’ve lost everything.” I say. “I know I haven’t. I mean, I have the store, you, Presley and the boys back there. I’m sure I’ll snap out of it.”

“Have you thought about calling him?”

Every. Fucking. Day. “I made it perfectly clear how I felt. He did the same.”

I promised Presley I would definitely see her in a few months. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do it, but I’ll be at her wedding. Somehow, I’ll find a way to get there and be fine when I see him.

I’m guessing copious amounts of alcohol will be consumed.

“I hate this for you.” Erin’s sweet voice tries to comfort me. “I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready.”

When I lost the baby, Erin became extremely understanding. She explained that she really wanted to move forward, but as time went on, she got it. I think it had a lot to do with the guy she’s falling head over heels for, but I won’t point that out. She’s happy, and I’m happy for her.

I look around at the empty space, thinking that it represents how I feel. I’m vacant inside. “Well, we don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to. It’s kind of a great place to be. The store is really self-sufficient with the new manager. If we want to expand, we can, or we can keep it as is.”

Erin’s phone rings, and by the smile on her face, I know it’s the guy she’s seeing. She puts her finger up to say one minute, and I step outside and onto the sidewalk. It’s a really great spot and is closer to downtown than our other store. It’s also closer to my apartment. Media isn’t far from me, but I’d love to have the option to walk to work if I want.

I take a step back and bump into someone. “I’m so sorry!” I start to say, but my eyes meet someone I know.

“Angie?” Nate smiles.

“Nate. Hi!”

“You’re back.” He steps forward and pulls me into his arms. “I’ve been wondering how you were doing.” He glances to my stomach, which should have been very pregnant. Last time he heard from me, I was knocked up and leaving for Tennessee.

“There was an accident,” I explain before he can ask.

Nate stands there with sadness in his eyes as I give him the cliff notes of what led me back here. He takes my arm and leads me over to a bench when I start to choke up. We sit, and I do my best not to lose it.

“I’m truly sorry, Ang.” Nate shakes his head. “Are you and the guy . . .”

I shrug, knowing exactly what he’s too hesitant to finish asking. “He was driving and took it hard.”

He nods. “Guilt is a hard thing to live with. I see it with the parents a lot. They feel like it was something they did during their pregnancy or genetics. It tears apart a lot of relationships.”