Romance Impossible(71)
Somehow, against all reason, her words didn't have the power to hurt me. I'd built such a heavy suit of armor around myself. And in that moment, in the midst of all the insanity, I felt...proud.
"Get the fuck out - get AWAY from me!" Mindy was shoving him, still screaming, and he went. He cowered and ran from her. He ran from her, and from me.
Mindy collapsed like all the air had been let out of her, crumpling down on the sidewalk and shrieking with grief. Her whole body was wracked with sobs.#p#分页标题#e#
When the worst of it was over, she looked up at me. Her face was bright red and wet with tears.
"I know..." she started to say, before a hiccup interrupted. She took a long, shaky breath, and started again. "I know you hate me..."
I shook my head to silence her.
"Hate you?" I said, my brow crinkling. "I don't think about you at all."
In the ensuing silence, I turned and walked away, never pausing to look back.
***
My eyes felt tired, sticky and scratchy from too much crying. Blinking took a special effort. I'd managed to hold myself together until we got home, spending the whole flight with my hands clasped in my lap, staring unseeingly at the little movie screen on the seat-back in front of me. When we parted at the airport, Max put a hand on my shoulder and said something, to which I just nodded. I couldn't remember what it was.
At home, I washed my hands up to my elbows and unpacked mechanically. It wasn't until after everything was put away, and my first load of laundry was running, that I collapsed on the sofa and cried.
Normally Heidi would have come running, but the kennel was closed for the day. I wouldn't be picking her up until tomorrow. So I cried and cried, perfectly alone in my perfectly silent apartment.
I cried for my own stupidity, for having loved Eric so long. For almost giving him a second chance. But most of all, I cried for the man I loved now and could never have.
There was no sense in pretending. Not anymore. Max might be a right bastard, as he'd put it, but I knew, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he could never hurt me like Eric did. I would almost be willing to give him a chance, except...
Except he was my boss. Except he was a celebrity and I hated attention. Except he didn't want me, or he could have had me by now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Affiné
Some things must be aged to reach their full potential. They need experience, if you will. Maturity. Once you've tasted a fully aged sharp cheddar, nothing else will do - and so affiné, the aging process, becomes one of the most important concepts in the kitchen.
- Excerpted from Dylan: A Lifetime of Recipes
***
Max
***
Barbara called me one day, out of the blue.
"I heard you're filming a new show," she said.
"Just wrapped, actually."
"Congratulations!" Her tone was...politely tolerant. Had she always sounded like this? How long had it been since we talked?
How long had it been since I thought about her?
"So," I said, after a long pause. "What have you been up to?"
"Oh, all sorts of things." She sounded bored. Why had she called?
"Well, I'm about to head out the door," I lied. "Busy busy, you know, as usual."
"All right," she said. "Well, I'll talk to you soon, then."
"Cheers."
I tossed my phone down on the bed, wondering why I'd bothered to answer. There was a time, I could admit it now - there was a time when I was hanging on to the hope of Barbara coming around and realizing that she'd never find another man like me. There was a time when she was the unobtainable one.
She'd been replaced.
I thought of Jill, her shell-shocked face when she sat across from the man who'd broken her heart. He looked like anyone else you might run into, at the grocery store or the laundromat. He was polite and friendly and he probably helped old ladies cross the street. But deep down inside, he was every bit as cruel and selfish as I'd often been accused of being.#p#分页标题#e#
I had half-expected her to fall for him, all over again.
And hell, maybe she did. But it didn't seem like it. I was dying to ask her, to just talk to her a little - to make sure she was all right. She had seemed hollow on the way home, exhausted and shell-shocked, and it made me wonder what the hell he had done to her.
I'd smash his face into the pavement, if I thought it would make any difference. But the damage was done. And as for him - well, he already lived in some version of hell. I was certain of it.
I hope you know you can do better, Jill. I hope you at least know that.
***
Beckett was upset with me.
This was not an unusual situation, but this time I was pretty sure he was overreacting.