Romance Impossible(69)

***



The candles on the bar flickered gently as I waited for my vodka cranberry. It was a drink I hadn't tasted since Eric left. More specifically, since our fifth anniversary. The second night.

Not that I was dwelling on my memories, or anything like that.

It was a drink I never thought I'd order again, as simple and innocuous as it seemed. Things were easier, I found, when I eliminated any tastes, smells, sights or sounds that reminded me of my life with him. But now that we were sitting side by side, in a Los Angeles sushi bar that I suspected was going to be even more expensive than it looked, I figured it was time to get a little nostalgic.

"This is nice," Eric said, smiling at me. It was that warm, disarming smile that I remembered. So that was one thing that hadn't changed. He was still every bit as cute as the day we met, but I couldn't imagine him igniting the same fire that Max did. Back then, I'd been happy with our mild, comfortable, unchallenging brand of love. It was nice. Everything was nice. But now...I could never got back to something like that.

"Yeah," I said, as the bartender pushed my drink across the polished wood. "It is pretty nice."

"This your first time in L.A.?"

The strangeness of the question - him casually asking me about my life, like we were strangers, lodged an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. "Yeah," I said. "Just for the filming. I haven't really had any time to look around, though."

"Oh, that's too bad. You're leaving tomorrow?" He sipped his gin and tonic.

"Yeah."

"You should really hike out in Runyon Canyon if you get a chance. It's beautiful. But hey, you'll probably be coming back sometime, right? Working for a world-famous chef and all that. I never told you congratulations, did I?"

I shook my head. When would he have? And more importantly, since when did he hike?

"Congratulations," he said, lifting his glass. As he took a sip, his face changed a little. "Listen, Jill, I just want to have fun tonight. And I guess you do too, or you wouldn't have agreed to come out with me. So I'm not going to bring up anything unpleasant. But I just want to say, you know, again - I'm sorry.

"I know there's nothing I can say that really makes a difference, but I want to try anyway. I'm so sorry, and if there's ever a way for me to make it up to you, I will. I never should have done what I did. I was childish, and stupid, and selfish. I knew all that back then, but it didn't sink in at first. It took a long time. I've missed you every day, and even though I know we can't repair what we used to have, I want to have you in my life. Even if we're just friends."

I swallowed. My throat was suddenly dry. My drink didn't look too appetizing, but I took a sip anyway, enough so that I could talk. "Okay," I said.#p#分页标题#e#

"I'm sorry." He raised his palms in a gesture of surrender. "I'm sorry, really, I won't bring it up again. At least not tonight. But if there's anything you want to talk about, anything you want to know, just ask."

A million questions swirled around in my head, but I knew better than to think he'd have any answers. Even if his attitude had changed, his excuses hadn't. I was stupid. I was selfish. I just wanted to do what would make me happy.

I was tired of hearing them, but I knew he didn't have anything else to say to me. What could possibly justify what he did? He hadn't had a nervous breakdown, he wasn't a raging alcoholic, he hadn't been abducted by aliens or possessed by a demon. He was just being a human being, doing what humans do.

Selfish. That was the word.

Eric swirled his drink. "Penny for your thoughts," he said.

I smiled. "I dunno," I said. "Nothing, really. Just letting my mind wander."

"Well, come back down to earth," he said. "Tell me about your life lately. Tell me what you've been up to. How'd you end up working for Chef Dylan, anyway? I thought you used to hate that guy."

Shrugging, I looked down at the bar for a moment, blinking a few times to clear my head of all the ugly thoughts and memories. "He just called me out of the blue one day. I had applications in all over town, and I guess somebody passed mine along to him. I never would have gone out for it on purpose, but I needed a job and he liked me."

"Course he did." Eric grinned, gesturing to the bartender. "You want another? Looks like you're taking your time on that one."

"Yeah, no, I'm okay. Just pacing myself." The menu didn't even have prices for mixed drinks, so I knew I was in trouble. Eric would almost certainly offer to pay, but there was no way I'd accept. And even though I could afford to drink anywhere I wanted now, the penny-pinching mindset of my long unemployment was hard to shake.