Razorblade Kisses(46)

She moaned into his mouth and he pressed into her. He moved them out of the bathroom and to the bed. As she moved back on the bed, she stared into his eyes. “Talk to me,” she urged.

“About what, baby?” He licked around her nipple. “About what I’m about to do to you? Or the fact you’re so ready for me?”

She stared at the ceiling and listened to his voice and felt his touch. Everywhere.

“Tell you that I’ve been waiting on this moment for a year.” He was over her now, his arms braced next to her head keeping his full weight off her. He leaned down and whispered, “You want me to tell you that I love you? Because I do, Emily.”

That did it. She went numb. Emily. He didn’t love her—he didn’t even know her real name.

When she heard the familiar rip of the condom, her mind flashed back to all the times she’d heard that sound before. Panic threatened and began shutting down her brain. All of a sudden she felt him all the way inside of her. She felt stretched and full, but there was nothing there that she thought she would feel. Nothing that she should feel. Emery felt nothing in her mind. She was a void where thoughts went to die. She continued to touch him in the hopes her mind would start working. Her body responded to his every touch. She moaned when she felt like she should and arched her back when he called her name. She felt pin pricks of pain all over her body until they moved into her gut and she knew this was wrong. Noah was good and she wasn’t. He had helped her so much and she was an empty chasm where emotions should be. She couldn’t love him; she wished she could, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t love anyone. Noah expanded in her, if that was possible. She whimpered at the pain.

“Oh, Em…so good.” His voice was tense until she felt him release himself in pleasure and still. She couldn’t breathe. She wondered if he could he tell she was miles away in her head, that she was out the door, trying to get as far away from this bed as she could.

“Em,” he said as he rolled to the side of her, “are you okay?”

She nodded, not willing to speak, knowing her voice would give her away.

“I love you,” he said again as he smoothed her hair back, then ran a fingertip down her jaw.

He got up and went to the bathroom, she assumed to get rid of the condom. She stared at the ceiling, wondering what had just happened. She knew that he’d just proven how irretrievably broken she really was. If Noah couldn’t make her feel anything, no one would. He walked back to her bed in his naked glory and climbed in, pulling her in tight. Within minutes he was asleep; he was too warm and held her too tight.





CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Inevitable



In the darkness that wouldn’t lift from her heart, Noah had gotten up and kissed her on the lips. Mistakenly thinking she was sleeping, he leaned in and whispered, “I love you. I’ll see you Sunday.” Then he left for an overnight retreat with the seniors on the football team before the last few games of his last season.

As his lips grazed her ear, she focused on breathing evenly. She wasn’t asleep. She hadn’t slept all night. Her thoughts kept spiraling and tangling with each other. She didn’t know how to feel or how to act. The thoughts she’d pushed to the back of her mind for the past two years had burst through any walls she’d barricaded herself behind and were wreaking havoc in her mind. Right in front was the fear that she’d never be able to move past what Phil had done to her. The realization hit her during the night. Even though she’d been lulled into thinking she could possibly be normal, she’d actually always be alone. Alone.

During the past few years, she’d allowed herself to believe that maybe she wouldn’t have to be alone, but this one act of allowing Noah in had solidified the fact that she was broken. Her mind was damaged beyond repair. This guy that had accepted her, warts and all, just told her he loved her and her reaction was to run from him. She wanted to shake her head and tell him he didn’t love her. Emery hoped with everything she had that she could be that person for Noah—the one he thought she was—but the sad fact was that he didn’t know her at all and she’d failed at being okay. She’d never be okay.

Emery rolled over in her bed, finally looking at the time. She moaned at the insane hour of the morning. Her legs got tangled in the sheets as she contemplated what she would do with her day. She stretched and took in the smell of Noah that now filled her bed. Her body was actually a little sore.

She missed what they had yesterday; their easy companionship, flirty teasing, and trust. They’d built a true friendship with benefits before she realized that she was incapable of loving this person who meant so much to her. Why couldn’t she love him? Why don’t I feel what I want to feel? I want to feel what he feels. She flung herself out of bed, pulled on one of Noah’s shirts, and walked over to the laptop Derrick had given her.