Razorblade Kisses(12)

“Any crush counts,” Rachel confirmed. “Why don’t you like anyone at your school?”

“Because I don’t…” Emery didn’t want to get into this with Rachel. They hadn’t talked about it since she’d told Rachel how many times Phil had raped her.

Rachel put the iPad down and looked at Emery. “Why?”

“Don’t make me talk about this, please.” Emery rolled on her stomach and studied her notes, ignoring Rachel.

“Emery, you are worthy of everything. You should have crushes and boys chasing you. You should wear cuter clothes and not try to hide from everyone…from life.”

Emery rolled to her side and faced her naïve friend. “Rachel, I know you don’t understand, but I can’t even imagine trying to have those things. I don’t want to wear clothes that invite attention I don’t want. I don’t want anyone to see me; I don’t have emotions to even warrant a crush. I wish I did.”

“Well, tell me about the boys in your class.”

She rolled back to her stomach and continued her homework. “No.”

“Come oooon, there must be soooomeone,” Rachel teased, dragging her words out.

“No, there’s not, because I’m dead inside.” Emery held her eyes on the pages in front of her, not believing she was actually telling Rachel how she felt. Again. This girl was like truth serum. “I walk around and don’t experience anything. I don’t have anything I want to do because I can’t imagine feeling anything. If I let myself feel anything, I’m afraid I’ll…”

“Emery,” Rachel’s voice broke with emotion, but stopped Emery from finishing, “let’s get your shit together and leave. I have a plan.”

Later that night, the silence of her house weighed on her as she waited. Emery felt like every night, that’s what she did. Wait. She couldn’t fall asleep because the fear of what would happen took over. Her body would jerk once the fall began, as if it was panicking and trying to keep her awake. Every night the fall into the abyss of sleep was a blessing and a curse. It haunted her. Rachel had made her plea for Emery’s sanity, for her life, tonight. Emery didn’t know if she would do it or not, but it was nice that someone wanted her to live without the horror that filled her days and nights.



“Mom, I’m going to Rachel’s!” Emery yelled as she closed the front door and rushed to her car. She’d made a habit every night to be gone by seven so that she wouldn’t have to be in the same room as Phil. It’d been working for the last few weeks. She heard the door open again just as she made it to her car. She stopped and closed her eyes.

“Emery?” Ashley was walking down the front stairs with something in her hand. She was wearing the same dress she went to school in and Emery shook her head, smiling at her. Ashley refused to wear anything but dresses.

Emery sat in her car and waited for Ashley to get in. The passenger door opened and Ashley slid in, smiling. “I brought you something.” Ashley held her hand out for Emery to see the friendship bracelet in her palm.

“Oh, Ash, I love it.” Emery leaned over and kissed Ashley’s forehead, grabbing the bracelet. “Oh and look, it’s your favorite colors. Tie it on me.” She held her right wrist out for Ashley to secure the braided pink and teal bracelet.

“Are you mad at me?” Ashley’s blonde curls bounced in her high ponytail as she tied. Emery couldn’t help but see herself in Ashley’s innocent face, those cheeks that were naturally pink and her blue eyes so full of life. That’s what I used to look like.

“Of course not. Why?” Emery’s eyes went back to her wrist where the bracelet peeked out of her long sleeves.

“Because you haven’t been around at all lately. I haven’t seen you in a week.”

“Oh, Ash. I’m just hanging out with my friend. You know I love you.”

“I know, I just…”

After a closer inspection, something in Ashley’s eyes didn’t seem right to Emery. She pulled the key out of the ignition and really looked at her sister. She appeared the same. Her eyes didn’t mirror Emery’s dead ones. Ashley traveled around with a glow. She was always talking, telling a story about something and making everyone love her. Her blue eyes were clear and happy. She was a good, smart girl and Emery felt lucky to be her sister.

“You want to talk?” Emery asked, glancing at the clock. Phil usually got home right after 7:00. It was 6:58.

“No, I just miss you is all.” Ashley smiled again and this time it lit up her face.