Out of Nowhere(11)

“That’s cool, man.” Jesus, I hope he doesn’t want me to be some kind of Big Brother volunteer. Because I kind of already fucked that up with my real little brothers.

“So, I think some of the kids would really like to learn about cars. Knowing how to do basic maintenance would help their families save a little money. And if any of them get into it, it’d give them a skill so they could potentially get a job—that’s a big part of what we do, too, trying to connect these kids up with long-term strategies for success, like jobs or internships. And I think some of them probably just think cars are cool. So, would you be interested in teaching a workshop about cars or what it’s like working as a mechanic?”

“Wait, seriously? That’s what you wanted to talk to me about? If I would teach auto mechanics to some kids?”

“Yeah.”

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but not that. Maybe some kind of blackmail for the other night, or—fuck, I don’t know. This guy’s tripping me out, though. He’s handsome, looks like he could be an MMA fighter or a gang leader or something—wait, is that racist?—and he works to keep youth off the streets. I guess that’s why he was so good with that kid at the shop last night. Telling him a hard truth in a kind way.

It sounds like a pain in the ass, honestly. I don’t know anything about kids and I’ve never taught anyone anything—unless you count teaching Brian and Daniel how to fight. But I don’t really feel like I can say no after he helped me the other night.

“Uh, yeah, I could do that?”

“Yeah?” He smiles, the first one I’ve seen from him that’s bigger than an amused quirk of the lip. “That’s great, Colin. I think you’ll be good at it.”

“Well, you don’t really know me. For all you know, I’ll fuck it up. Hell, shouldn’t you make sure I’m not a child molester or something?”

“Are you?” he asks evenly.

“Uh, no.”

“Good. I’ll be there. You’ll never be left with the kids unsupervised.”

“I was just kidding,” I clarify. “Obviously. I wouldn’t hurt a kid.”

Rafael nods and an incredibly awkward silence engulfs the room. Yeah, that’s kind of what happens when you try to lighten the mood by bringing up child abuse, asshole.

Once the pizza arrives, Rafael explains the particulars of the workshop, then falls silent. He seems comfortable, but I hate the quiet. I’m hyperaware of the sound of my refrigerator running and the fact that I need to blow my nose because when I inhale there’s a slight whistling sound. So I start breathing through my mouth. That makes me hyperconscious of my breathing. Every third or fourth breath, I’m straining to breathe in fully.

“I want to be clear,” he says. “I’m gay. I was at that bar the other night to pick someone up. My sexuality isn’t an issue for me, and all the kids I work with know about it. I’m assuming that isn’t the case for you, and that’s fine. It’s not my business. I’m not going to bring up how we met in front of anyone. Okay? Does that help?”

“Help what?” I croak.

“Help whatever you freak out about every time you talk to me.”

I go into the kitchen and scoop some ice cream for us, trying to pinpoint what it is about Rafael that I keep reacting to so strongly. My mental picture keeps focusing on his eyes and his mouth and his thick arms, but that’s not it. That’s what I’d notice at the bar.

It’s more that Rafael is the first person who knows about… me. The first person who knows I’m—that I would let a dude suck me off—and who I’ve had an actual conversation with. I’ve been sitting with him, eating pizza with him, hanging out, and he’s gay. And knows about me.

A wave of heat flushes through my stomach and chest, and when I turn around to find him standing next to my hand-me-down red Formica table, looking at me curiously, I can’t quite meet his gaze.

“Having second thoughts?”

“No, no, I’m cool.” I hand him a bowl of ice cream and stand there awkwardly. “So, uh, how’d you get involved with the—what’d you call it? Organization?”

“My mentor, Javier, started it about thirteen years ago. At first it was an after-school program and some sports. Help with homework, football, safer sex pamphlets, stuff like that. As he got the word out and more people started using the resources, they got more funding. I started volunteering there a few years after it opened. Helping Javier out.”

He kind of smiles and frowns every time he says Javier’s name. It’s more of a reaction than he’s had to most things, so this guy must be someone important.