Now or Never(42)

“I do. I just . . .” She picked up a sofa pillow and tucked it neatly into the corner of the couch. She was hedging. Because she couldn’t say how she really felt.

“Don’t trust me.” It wasn’t any less than he deserved, though it ruptured his heart.

“What? No!” Em spun around, facing him for the first time since they’d entered the house with disbelief. “It’s not that. Of course I trust you.”

It was selfish, and wrong, and screwed up on just about every level there was, but those words soothed his wound and made him feel whole again. “Then, what? What is it?”

Em sighed, her dark lashes fanning across her pale cheeks as she hid from the truth. “I feel . . . foolish.”

Jay found he was having a hard time dragging his attention from the way her lips quivered as she spoke. “Why?”

“Because . . .” She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, worrying it between her teeth, and Jay was beginning to feel as though he had ADD.

What she was saying was important, but damn, it was distracting when she did that. Wrong. That was wrong. She had a boyfriend, for chrissakes. A boyfriend who wasn’t him—and that was a sledgehammer to the chest.

She didn’t say anymore. She didn’t need to. The answer was clear in the tense set of her jaw, her small hands fisted at her sides, her shoulders slumped forward trying to make herself even smaller—invisible.

“Because you’re terrified.” And his heart broke all over again. This girl—this sad, scarred, frightened, beautiful girl—was going to be the death of him.

Em freed her lip—thank God—and her throat made hard work of swallowing. He watched her fight it. A bystander in her struggle against the truth. But eventually her arms folded around herself and she gave in with a single nod. The admission alone seemed to break her into a million pieces right before his eyes.

“Baby.” That one whispered word was all it took to shatter the walls she was trying so desperately to hide behind, and she collapsed into his arms. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

Her body shook with sobs as he lowered them both onto the couch. Time passed as he ran his hand over her hair, whispering soothing words of comfort. He had no idea how much time. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the girl in his arms. She was his world, his life, his everything.

“I want to be okay.” Her voice was muffled against his chest and thick with tears. “I’m sick of being this way. Ashlyn and Mason were both there and they’re fine. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, I just—”

“Em.” Slipping his fingers beneath her damp chin, Jay tipped her face up until he could meet her watery eyes. “It was a big deal for you. It was dark, and you were scared, and they . . .” His teeth ground so tightly together he couldn’t even get the words out. “It stirred up a whole lot of shit you shouldn’t have to deal with anymore.”

“It’s been months, Jay.”

“That doesn’t matter. Everything you’ve been through? That shit doesn’t just go away, Em. You can’t expect it to.”

She closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder, taking comfort from the one person who could give it to her. As selfish as it made him, Jay was glad that person was still him.

“I’m just so sick and tired of being afraid.”

“I know. Things will get easier, Em. You just have to give yourself time.”

“How much time?”

“As much time as it takes. This isn’t a race, baby. You’ll get there, I promise. Don’t give up, Em. Never give up. You’re too strong for that.” He knew she didn’t believe it now, but he didn’t have to prove it. He just had to keep her fighting long enough to prove it to herself.

Jay pressed a brief kiss to her hair and immediately hated himself for giving in to the impulse. There was a line between friendship and something more. He couldn’t keep sending her these mixed signals. It wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t even be there. It wasn’t his place anymore. How could he expect her to let go when he kept hanging on?

***

He was back at work for an hour before Em arrived. Jay knew he needed to keep his distance, that going to Ashlyn’s house had been a mistake on his part. He needed to give her space, let her stand on her own two feet, not suffocate her with concern. But he couldn’t bear not seeing her. The constant worry that she was in pain, that she needed him and he wasn’t there, wriggled in the back of his mind like a worm in the mud, burrowing its way in until it consumed his thoughts. He’d been screwing up orders all afternoon and if he didn’t get his shit together, Bart was going to start docking his pay for all the wasted alcohol he’d been pouring down the drain.