Now or Never(25)

Before he could go there, though, there was something he needed her to know. “I am so, so sorry for what happened. I know words can’t fix it, but I am. Being drunk is not an excuse, and you were right, it wasn’t an accident. I can call it a stupid, idiotic mistake, but that doesn’t make a difference. I—”

“It’s okay, Jay.”

“No, Em, dammit. It’s not. It’s never okay for someone to hurt you. Ever. In any way. And that’s all I seem to be doing lately.”

“Jay—”

“Stop. Stop being so understanding, Em. Yell at me, scream at me, hit me—”

“I’d never—”

“I know. That’s part of the problem. You’d never hurt anyone. But you think it’s okay when people hurt you.” The flash of pain in her eyes told him she’d taken his words to heart. Good, she needed to in order to understand what was coming next. Jay took a deep breath and steeled himself. Knowing he was doing this for her own good didn’t make it any easier. He been up all night trying to come to grips with his decision, but this was different. It was about to become real. “I think we should take a break.”

Em blinked. “A break from what?”

The pain turned to fear, and he couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye any longer, focusing instead on the grimy, cement floor beneath his feet. “From us. From each other. We threw ourselves into this so fast, Em. Everything moved so fast. It had to just to survive. But we have time now. And I think we should take some . . . and just be friends for a while.”

Em was quiet for a long time. He thought maybe she was gathering the courage to finally yell at him. Or maybe she’d just walked away. He wouldn’t blame her if she did. A quiet sniffle told him she was still there. Fighting to hold it all together. So strong.

When she finally did speak, she didn’t yell, she didn’t cry, but it broke his heart anyway.

“Do you still love me?”

“What?” His gaze shot to her face and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Her wide eyes and trembling lips said it all. She honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. And it gutted him.

“It’s a simple question, Jay. Do you still love me, or not?”

“Shit, Em.” Jay’s eyes squeezed shut, unable to look at the tears in her eyes and not pull her into his arms. “I will always love you. Always. Every minute of every day, I am hopelessly in love with you and I always will be. That’s not what this is about.”

“What is this about, then?”

“You, baby. This is about you and what’s best for you. Not me.”

“I don’t understand.” The tears she’d been fighting broke free, sliding silently down her face. “Why are you doing this?”

Because I’m toxic. Because, sooner or later, I’ll ruin us. I’ll ruin you.

“I’m doing this because I love you. Because I want nothing but the best for you. And that’s not me. I’m irrevocably fucked up, Em. You can do so much better. You deserve so much better.”

“You’re wrong! I’m fucked up, too, Jay. I know that. I know I don’t give you what you need, but I swear . . . I’ll try harder. I’ll do better. I swear.”

“Christ.” Jay threw his head back as waves of physical pain collided with his already battered heart. He’d kissed another girl. Of all the ways to push her away, he had to kiss another girl? Of course that’s where her mind would go. He’d done this to her, too. Driven her right back to that place of self-loathing. Made her blame herself all over again. “No, Em. No. This has nothing to do with you. Shit.” How could he make her see? Make her believe? “Please don’t think like that. Even for a second. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect, baby.”

“But, I can’t even—”

“That doesn’t matter. None of that is important. I’m the problem here, not you.”

“But, you’re not, Jay! I love you. You’re everything I need.” The raw plea in her voice nearly did him in. He was so close to giving in, to giving up, that he could feel himself teetering on the edge of his resolve. More than anything he wanted to just let go and fall right back into her arms, but he couldn’t. He had to be strong. For her. He owed her at least that much.

Em was his angel, sent into hell to pull him out. The light at the end of his tunnel. But that left him the tunnel before her, filled with nothing but darkness. A darkness polluted enough to snuff out even her light. She’d been his saving grace. He wouldn’t be the cause her suffering.