Never Been Nerdy(93)

“Cara, how are you? It’s been a long time since you’ve come to see me.”

Yeah, Dad, I think we both know why. You haven’t left the house since the day your divorce was finalized. I got my pride from you, and I want you to take it back.

“Yeah, I’ve been really busy at work.”

Dad nods like this makes sense. I’m sure he knows I’m only partially telling the truth – he always was wily. I’d like to think I got my brains from him. “You put in the work, you’ll get the reward. Keep going, it’s going to be worth it in the end. Then I won’t have to worry about you marrying well enough that I can die in peace,” he gives me a tight-lipped smile.

My heart hurts at the thought of him being alone without me to come visit, or dying in any circumstance without me being able to say goodbye.

I hate coming here, I hate visiting him because while I hid my hurt in work, and anger, Dad never got over the betrayal. He can’t even stand to take a walk outside; he’s convinced himself that everyone knows how my mom humiliated him for years before opening her stupid mouth and asking for a divorce.

“Dad, I want to talk to you about Mom.”

Dad nods like he’s been waiting for this day for a long time. I look away from him, see the floor’s strewn with his dirty laundry, the way his hair sticks up at odd angles because of the way he’s slept on it, the greying beard that’s coming in patches along his cheeks. My dad’s gotten older without me realizing it.

“How about I make you some hot chocolate, eh Dad? I’ll start the milk heating, alright?”

I move into the kitchen without him giving me an answer, getting familiar with my mother’s kitchen again, finding everything I need. Once the milk’s on the stove, I look up startled to find him in the kitchen with m.

Whenever I’m over, he never comes in the kitchen. It probably has to do that I’m a carbon copy of my mother when she was younger, and he can’t stand to look at me and not remember what she did.

“I’m really pissed off at you.” The island is separating us, a generation of DiNovros, and about a Grand Canyon’s worth of pain. “You know, I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t even want to be in a relationship because of what happened between you and Mom.” My voice doesn’t crack, and I think I deserve a Dean high-five for it. Only he’s not here and this is something I have to do alone.

“That’s a stupid reason, Katie. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“What? How can you say that to me?” The truth bubbles up inside me, and damn if that asshole isn’t going to want center stage. “I knew about Mom and him, and I didn’t say anything. I knew about it, I kept quiet about it for three years, Dad. Three long fucking years.”

Dad’s eyes look even more sunken now, and I hope it’s my imagination, but he’s gone Casper-the-friendly-ghost-white, and looks like he’s having trouble breathing.

“Cara, I don’t want to talk about the past.”

“Really? Because it seems like it’s the only thing you do! You just sit here, in front of that stupid screen without watching, without feeling anything, and you go over it and over it in your head. Do you think I don’t see the way you look at me, the way you hate me because I look like her?”

“That’s just not true.”

I glare at him. “Dad, come on! Don’t lie to me.” Don’t lie to me. Not you, too.

“I knew about her affair, Katie. I knew about it after a year that she was with him.”

Ice trickles its way into my veins, and my heart gives a feeble thump like it’s going to give up any second. “What? How could you know? Did she tell you?”

“It wasn’t hard to figure out. She started dressing more nicely, putting on more make-up to go to work. Late-night meetings, spending more time at the office. And she was happy, cara, so much happier than I could make her.”

Anger incinerates the ice in my veins, and I curl my hands into fists.

“How could you stay with her after that? How could you even make yourself sleep in the same bed?” Pressure builds behind my eyes, and that damn ticking eyeball starts. Tick, tick, tick.

“Because I… I loved her.”

“You loved her,” I snap, slamming my fists on the counter. “So you stayed when you knew she was getting her kicks with someone else?”

Dad’s eyes are lost when he looks at me. Does he see me, or her?

“I fell in love with her when I was twenty-four-years old. I married her six years after that. I made my choice.”

“And you picked wrong, Dad! Can’t you get angry about it?” My voice cracks.