Never Been Loved(58)

"Would you look at me, Sera, please?" Please look at me, baby.

That makes her lift her head. Christ, her eyes, everything about her.  I've hurt her, again, when I promised not to. I get caught by the  perfection of her mouth, and stare for a minute too long, watch her lick  her lips slowly.

Fuck, this isn't going to be easy.

Fight now, rest later. Fight for her, and she'll help you win.

"I came here tonight because I asked Katie to set this up for me."

I get more comfortable in the booth, crossing my arms in front of me and planting them on the table.

"She called me, something about snooping in your phone for my number.  Doesn't matter at this point, I'm here now. With you." I breathe out,  trying to get my fisted hands from shaking all over the damn place. "I  want you to know that I've been cut out of my mother's will." Okay, I  didn't mean to lead with that, but here we go.

"What the fuck?" She slams her fists on the table, and I can't hide my  shock. "You do not lead with that fucking little fact three weeks after  you cheated on me with her, MacLaine," she says through a clenched jaw.

I want to be Hunt again.

Why the hell is she calling me MacLaine?

I get my arms tighter around my chest and force myself to focus. I've  never been so scared in my life. I fuck up a lot, and I don't want this  to be another score against me.

"I miss you," I say, but it comes out strangled.

She snorts. "Yeah, you look real broken up." She shakes her head.  "What's going to happen to Matty now? Why didn't you just take the  money? Jesus, why are you here? I was having a good time. And you ruined  everything. Matty's not my problem. You're not my problem anymore."

"You're not getting me, Sera." I don't want to be angry. I don't. But  how in fuck could she think I did that to her? With Aly? When I told her  that she was out of my life, that Aly isn't her?

Take to bat for me, Sera. Believe in me. Is that so fucking hard?

"I miss you, Matty misses you. I want you back in my life. I need you back in my life."

"Well, I don't want you back in mine, all right?"

I lean in closer to her and get her hands in mine before she can pull  away. This has to work, it just has to. I'm desperate for this to work,  and I settle my forehead on our joined hands. I'm begging with every  part of me.

"What... what are you doing? Hunter? Hunt?" Sera tries to pull away but I can't let her.

I look up at her, jaw clenched tight and I'm being torn apart by her. "I  swear on my sister's life that nothing happened with Aly that night. I  swear I didn't do anything. I fucking swear."

"Swear on your life. Swear on your life you didn't touch her, you didn't kiss her with the same mouth you kissed me with."         

     



 

I curl my lip. "I swear on my life I didn't touch her. I just needed a  ride to the hospital. Aly's not for me, baby. You're for me, and Matty.  You're it."

"Sera," I say, watching her breath come in short rasps and her eyes  shine bright. She's holding onto my hands, too, now, and I move in to  kiss our tangle of fingers. Just say it MacLaine. There's nothing to be  afraid of.

What if she never says it back?

It sure as shit won't change how you feel about her.

"I love you."

"You- you don't mean that," she mutters, breath hitching again.

Not this shit again. "I love you, Sera, and I'm going to keep saying it until you fucking believe it."

"Say it again," she orders me.

"I love you."

"Again." She's twisting our fingers now. "Say it again."

"I love you, baby. I bloody love you."

"You're only saying that because I lost weight."

No. Just …  no. "You sure don't look like you could haul my ass to the hospital now. Too scrawny."

"Are you making a joke? At a time like this?"

I grin, and press my mouth to our hands again. "I'm going to start  feeding you pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few  weeks. We'll sort you out."

"What? You can't just expect that you tell me you love me and everything is okay? Why didn't you come with me to the hospital?"

Goddamn it, I've hurt her so bad.

Winging it, I lean forward and land a kiss on her mouth.

"I was pissed. Thought I would cool off. I was wrong to yell at you. But  fuck, you shoulda seen you, giving it right back to me. We're going to  have problems whenever you get mad at me, baby. I wanted to haul you on  my bed, and let you use me. I was wrong to yell at you, I was wrong to  get pissed at you wanting to take care of Matty when I didn't want you  to.

"I promise for the rest of my life, I will show you how much I love you, how much I want you in my life, in my... son's."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I never lied to you. I told you I don't lie. You forgot. I never called  Matty my son. That first night, when I came to get the movie  –  I told  you he was my nephew. But I'm the only parent he's ever known. I'm his  dad, even though I'm really his uncle."

"You could have told me. You should have told me."

"I couldn't talk about it. My sister... she died because of me."

Do it. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Just get it over with.

"I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was eighteen. She thought she  would get it, too, but she didn't. She didn't need to follow me around,  you know?"

"After the first month of taking injections, of getting beaten up daily  with the sugar spikes and lows, I went to a Timmy's and bought a dozen  donuts. I took them to my room in my parent's house and ate every single  one."

"You wanted to kill yourself?" Thank Christ she still cares.

I give a shake of my head. "It wasn't about ending my life, it was about  showing the doctors, my family, myself that I was okay. That I didn't  have diabetes. I ended up in the hospital, nearly went into a coma  because of it. The whole thing ruined my sister. And I didn't help  matters. She was my twin.

"I got into drugs, drank heavily, just punishing myself for not being  normal, for being sick. Diabetes... you can't even imagine what it's  like to have a part of yourself give up on you. It screws with your  head, just fucks with you in ways I didn't even know until my sister  died. Jules.... she tried to get me out of it, tried to get me clean  until one of my druggie buddies took a liking to her and ruined her  life.

"She was so smart, hilarious and sweet. She would've been a great mom  once she got clean. And she would have loved you, loved the way you take  care of her son.

"Because she followed me around-because I was a spineless fuck who  thought drugs and drinking were a better way of dealing with my fucked  up body-I got my sister hooked into drugs. I was out of my mind with my  own misery, I couldn't see what was going on around me, I wouldn't see  because I was a selfish kid who should've known better."

I struggle to keep calm, trying not to get sucked into the past. I want to be here, now, with my girl.

Sera's eyes are huge in her face, and her mouth is opened in that  waiting-for-a-kiss look that has a burning pain torching me from the  inside out.

"By the time she was twenty-five she was a full-on junkie until she OD'd  in an alleyway while Matty was in his crib at my parent's place. That  night I became a father and I wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing at  all.         

     



 

"I was so fucking angry. Why couldn't I have gotten her help, why didn't she just listen to me once I got clean?"

Sera's closed her eyes. "Sometimes, listening is the hardest thing to do when you don't believe a word someone says."

Oh, baby. Is that's what been happening?

"I'm so sorry. About everything. God, I love you."

Needing to move, I tug on our hands, round the table and get her standing in front of me.

"You can't just show up and say a few words and expect everything to be  okay," she says "You need to get your life straight, Hunter, and I can't  do that for you. You need to help yourself first. I'm sorry."

She's fighting me again. Why is she fighting me?

Looks like you have your answer, MacLaine. You don't deserve her, anyway.

I wanted to be given the chance to.

I don't make eye contact with anyone as Sera walks away from me for the last time. Nothing I do will get her back to me.

You're supposed to fight, asshole.

Not when she doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't force her to love me.

I contemplate going back home and drinking myself into a stupor. Maybe  then I'll forget about Sera for a while. Maybe then I'll forget about  her nerd references, her jokes, and the way she came into my life.

Maybe I'll forget all about Sera being my superhero.

I don't think I've got enough beer at home to deal with that.



I'm staring into my fridge. I resisted the urge to drop by the dep and get a two-four of Heineken on my way back home.

The thing is, I don't want to forget about Sera. Maybe I'll just numb  myself out on shitty TV. Maybe I'll watch an episode of Supernatural to  finally figure out what the hell Sera was talking about.