Never Been Loved(55)

"Is that true?" Kid, she's not lying. Can't you hear it in her voice?

"Yeah. Everyone in my grade used to make fun of me. But I had some  friends who made me forget about all that stuff for the day. They helped  make me feel better. Do you have any friends at school who can help you  like that?"

"You're not sick." The kid says ‘sick' like it's personally caused him  harm. That's my fault, too. I get a syringe ready and nab my insulin  from the fridge. Squinting to get the dosage right, I think about going  into Matty's room and asking Sera to check it for me. I blink hard a few  times, and the numbers come into focus.

I was right on the money. Plunging it into my thigh, gritting my teeth against the slight pain, I keep listening.

"It didn't matter," Sera explains. "People, anybody, they make fun of  you because you're different. It's the way it is, little man, and I'm  sorry about that."

"How are you different?"

"I'm not... I'm not like everybody else. I'm not...I'm not beautiful  like other girls. A lot of people made fun of me because of that."

Yeah, Sera's not going to be walking a fucking catwalk. So the fuck what? She's beautiful. I need to tell her more.

"Who said that to you? I'm gonna  –  I'm gonna kick ‘em in the shin!"

That's my boy. Is that okay, Jules? That he's mine?

"Matty, I'm telling you this because I want you to know you're not  alone. Find a friend at school who makes you laugh, or who you can play  hide and seek with and doesn't mind if you get tired too fast."

Shit. I woulda told him to knock the little shit kid down on his ass.  That's why Sera's the brains in this duo, and I'm the dumb brawn.

"I don't know anybody like that."

"I bet you do, you're just not thinking properly. I think you have a bad memory, kid. Any other boys or girls?"

"Candace likes Harry Potter, too! She told me one time, when we were sitting next to each other at lunch."

"How do you know she likes Harry Potter?"

"She said his name, Sera."

"Right," Sera says.

I'm grinning now. This conversation has me actually smiling. Time to make an appearance.

"Good morning, kid."

"Hi, Daddy! I'm hungry."

"Eggs and bacon?" I ask him, looking at Sera, lying down next to him, one hand keeping her head up on an elbow.

"Uhhhhhh, are there sausages?" he asks. "I like sausages better."

I smirk. He's always gotta make me work for it.

"Yeah, I got that, Matty. Brush your teeth and come help. We're going to make Sera breakfast today."

"How come?" he asks.

"Sometimes when someone makes you feel happy, you do things for them  without saying thank you," I say, hoping that sounded right. I keep my  eyes on her, and will her to get it.

"Why can't you just say thank you?"

"How many times are you going to say thank you to Sera for reading to you every single night, huh?"         

     



 

"I say it every night." Matty's right down panicked. "I tell you every  night, don't I? I love reading Harry Potter with you! Thank you, Sera!"  He grabs her and kisses her on the cheek. I didn't even get the chance  to do that this morning.

"You'll understand when you're older, kid. Just remember what I said for  now. C'mon, buddy. Go brush your teeth, and put some socks on. I'm  starting with or without you in five minutes."

Matty flies out of his bed, jumping down and colliding with my legs before rushing to the bathroom.

I move to Matty's bed and crouch, getting a hand on the back of Sera's  neck. Her eyes are dark, and she's sucking in her bottom lip.

"How are you?"

"I'm hungry, actually."

"S'not what I meant, but I'll give it to you this one time." I kiss her  on the cheek, then the corner of her mouth, then full on. She gives me  back what I wanted, so I pull back and smile. We're going to be good, as  soon as I tell her all of it.

How I basically have lied to her this entire time about Matty being my  kid, even though I'm the only dad he's ever had. How I'm basically the  reason Jules is dead.

"We have to talk, you and I."

"All right."

"Another time. When you can have the space you need to do what you need to do."

"Cryptic much? You're worse than The Riddler, you are."

I think that's Batman. Maybe.

My mouth's still doing the happy thing, but I'm just not feeling it. "I have to be. You'll understand soon."

She gets a hand up, palm out. "As of this moment, are you a drug dealer?"

"No."

"Do you have a criminal record? Do you think you should have a criminal record?"

"Depends who you talk to."

"Uh, not inspiring confidence over here."

"I wasn't the best of people when I was younger, all right? I promise  you that my life has changed since then. I just need to tell you so you  know whose mouth you're kissing."

"Have you killed anyone?"

"Not me."

"You swear to God you're not involved in any more illegal activity? Like you're a hundred percent squeaky clean?"

I get closer, watching her legs open so my ribs hit either side of her  inner thighs. I wanted to be doing something else in this position, but  this shit's important, too.

"I'll swear to Bruce Wayne if you want. I promise you that is all over with."

"Then why all the secrecy? What could be so bad about what happened years ago?"

"I want you to know about me, the bad and the repulsive. Only then will I  be deserving of you. I swear to Christ I'll never let you down. Ever.  You can count on me."

"I need you to answer me first. You think I'm important in your life?" Sera asks.

"Absolutely." Deep breath, MacLaine. Brace yourself.

"Do you think I'm important enough and Matty's important enough in your  life that whatever happened in the past will make me run away from you  both?"

"Yeah."

"And you think once I know the truth, and nothing but the truth, I'm  going to run away screaming, right? And you're hoping I can perform some  sort of miracle and stay with you?"

I nod again.

"Well, who the hell do you think I am?"

"I think you're better than Bruce Wayne."

"Bruce Wayne saves people. He's a hero." Sera's eyes are wide and she's looking at me like I'm psycho.

I'm grinning, after all that shit I said, this is the part that gets  stuck in her head. Bruce Wayne. I move closer, making our mouths touch  and say, "Baby, you saved me that day in the hall."





Chapter 29



I'm a fucking mess, and I have no one to call. Sera left her phone here.

Goddamn it.

I'm crashing low again, and I can't think.

Fuck you, body, just do something I tell you do, for once. Fucking think!

Sera's taken Matty to the hospital.

I yelled at her again. I yelled at her again, when I promised I wouldn't.

Jesus Christ, why does she keep trying with me? What's the point? All I do is disappoint people around me.

I'm on my ass in the living room, staring at the door, wondering why  there aren't cracks around the frame. I knew Sera was pissed.

Even in her anger, she doesn't destroy things  –  not like I do.

Should I bring out the violin?

Shut up.

I've got my phone in my palm, staring through my contacts, trying to  figure out what to do. I need to go to the hospital. I need to be there  for Matty; I need to be there for Sera to forgive me.         

     



 

Christ, it's like a bad dream, thinking back to the words I said to her,  how I yelled at her, how I basically said I didn't want Matty in my  life.

That's not true, none of it is true.

I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of sucking at my life. I'm tired of  watching Sera do everything better than me  –  even being a parent. She's  known the kid a few months and it's like she's his mom.

Is that why you're punishing Sera? Because she's taking Jules' place and you can't deal with that on your head?

I miss my sister, so much sometimes that I can't breathe through the  guilt. I can't take it anymore, the way Matty looks at me, his blue eyes  like hers, his hair like hers, but other than that, she's fading away.

Am I punishing Sera for it? Did I snap because it's all tumbling down around me?

I need to get up. I need to get up and get to the hospital.

Colours swirl in my apartment, floating and twirling like they're  dancing to some kind of silent song. It's pretty, yeah, but it's also a  bad sign. I need juice, but I can't get up right now, I'm weak.

Where's my superhero? Where's Sera?

Right, she's with the kid. At the hospital. And she left, and she's pissed at me because of what I said. What did I say again?

Doesn't matter. I need to get up. I need to get into the kitchen and get some juice. Yeah, that's what I need to do.

So move, MacLaine. Get up.

Maybe I should just sit here. Sleep a bit.

That sounds like an even better idea.

Get up, get some juice, and go get your girl. She needs you and Matty needs you. You can't give up, asshole. You're not allowed.

I don't know how, but I move. I stand and get some orange juice from the  carton and chug and chug 'til the cold liquid sears my throat, and then  I drink some more. Probably I'll get a high in a few hours, but fuck  that. I have shit to do.