My Guardian Angel(76)

Kassia fought, Jesus, did she fight. She wanted us, wanted me. Told me she loved me. My heart was frantically trying to jump out of my chest, but I stayed as distant as I could. I didn’t know how much I could hurt her until that night. The look on her face as she recoiled from me was pure misery. The anguish I felt when she told me never to appear in front of her again. I watched her leave, dejected and broken. Yeah, I was a fuckin’ piece of shit.

I wanted to run after her to sooth the pain I inflicted, but I didn’t. I stood fused to the spot she left me in. I was the biggest piece of shit.

It was the book Kassia had written which Tiff sent to me, which changed everything. She kept telling me I should read it. I knew she was a great writer, but I didn’t want to read the words she wrote.

I was nothing without Kass. All I did was work and sit in my living room, trying hopelessly to stop my desires for her. I craved her. I needed her. Fuck! That girl ran deep inside me. That’s when I saw her book on my coffee table. I reached for it. I flipped through the first pages and there in cursive was a simple dedication.

To Jason

I read all of it in one night. I felt like she was right in the room with me, reading it out loud. I could hear her thoughts and her voice in my head as I read the words she so beautifully put together. It was about us, about her and about me. That was the moment I decided to stop fighting. I knew then and there that Kassia wasn’t going to move on from me. All she did was give me what she thought I wanted. Kassia was mine and I was hers. There was nothing the two of us could do about it. Tiff had texted me that Kassia had a book signing coming up. I was going to go. I was going to make this up to her and take back what was mine.

I knew Kass enough to know she was going to make this hard. There was no way around it. I was going to have to grovel, as I should. I was an asshole to her.

I stood in line and waited. I looked around. I was the only man at the signing who was heterosexual. I laughed and watched as my baby worked. Everyone here loved her. Tiff tried hard to make her stop, but not my girl. My girl wanted everyone here to get what they came for. God, she was so beautiful. She had picked up a new pen when it was my turn. I guessed she didn’t see me.

“Name?” she asked.

The very sound of her voice consoled my broke heart. I laughed a little at how much I sought her out, how vital she was to me.

“Jason. Jason Theroux.” When I said my name, her face changed. Her stunning hazel eyes glazed over. I had hurt her bad, real bad. She took my book, signed it, and handed it back to me without another glance. Yeah, I deserved that and worse.

I waited for her. The fuckin’ girl decided to take a walk late at night. Tiff texted and told me. When I saw her I was going to throttle her. I waited and a few minutes after my text, Kassia walked out. Her small frame was hidden behind her large scarf and coat. She loved the snow.

Before I realized it, I opened my mouth and called out to her.

“Is it true? What you wrote?” She turned to see me standing at the doors of the bookstore. “Is it true the things you wrote? Is this how you really see me?” I asked again. She said nothing and walked away.

“Was he truly a man or a mere dream I had dreamt of? A person like him could only exist in my mind. For how can a man as beautifully scarred as him, hold my beating heart? I knew. I knew when I saw him, that he carried the other part of my soul. I must have willingly given it to him in my dreams, for it was always his to have.” She stopped. Of course I would memorize her words. They were for me to know and understand.

Yeah, she was pissed. She was beyond angry. I had hurt her and I needed to watch what I said to get her back. There was this look on her face. The way she so defiantly said they were her words. I needed to kiss her, so I did, but she didn’t kiss me back. She pushed me away. Never had she pushed me away before. She growled at me to let her go. The little tigress had grown up and now was stronger. I let her go, for now. I followed her, watching over her. Her every move only made me want to go over to her and force her into my arms.

I finally relented and ran to her. I needed to be honest, to tell her the truth and why I tried to end things with her. But she fired back, fighting with me. I let go of how angry I was at her and spoke from the heart. I told her everything that I held close. I held nothing back. If I was going to get my girl back, I was going to rip my fuckin’ heart out and show it to her. I was willing to do anything.

Her eyes softened and I knew I had her. I finally had what I’ve always wanted and dreamt of. I reached for her face, her tender little soft face, and kissed her.

God, I was such a dumb fuck. I loved this girl and I would never do anything to keep her from me again.