More than Exist(50)

I looked around and noticed that we were getting attention from the other people in the pub, so I stood and grabbed Luke’s hand, dragging him to the back of the room and to a corner booth that had some privacy.

When we were settled, I clasped my hands in my lap and admitted, “I panicked.”

“Over what? The dock?” he asked, and I could tell he was truly eager to find out what was going on with me. He looked … invested.

“No, not the dock, although I have to admit, that scared me, as much as it thrilled me. But, we’ll get to that in a minute. I panicked when I saw Ms. Lucille. I knew she was going to return, and that my position with you was only temporary, but I have to admit, the thought of leaving makes me sad. I love being on the ranch, and I’ve grown to depend on it. I’m just scared at the thought of starting over again.”

Luke peeled my hands apart and took one in his, then leaned in to meet my eyes and keep them on him.

“Lucille came by to tell me that she’s decided to move down to be closer to her daughter. She realized how much she’s missing out on, and although she loves us, it’s time for her to retire and be with her family.”

My heart lifted at his words and I asked hopefully, “Does that mean you want me to stay on full-time?”

Luke’s lips tilted up, but the sadness and fear was still in his eyes.

“Of course I want you to stay, but not necessarily as my employee.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but he asked, “Please, just let me lay it all out, then you can come back and argue til your heart’s content.”

That made me smile, so I kept my mouth shut and let him continue.

“I know your heart’s still tender, and although I think you have feelings for me, you’re worried about betraying your husband’s memory. I get that, I swear I do … and I want you to know I’m a patient man. And a stubborn one. I told you today that I like you, but I was just going easy on you so you wouldn’t startle. Since you’re obviously already skittish, I’ll just let you know it all … I’m falling for you. I know that scares you and, Belle, it scares me too. The last time I laid it all out for a woman, and thought I was set for a lifetime of bliss, I had it all handed back to me. Me and my life weren’t good enough, and I’m terrified the same thing will happen again, but I swear, darlin’ you’re worth the risk.”

I felt my throat burn and the tenderness of his words filled me up.

“I won’t push you, but you have to know that my goal in all of this is for you to be my wife, and a stepmother to Matty, and hopefully, if you so desire, a mother to the children that we’ll have together.”

A lump formed at that, and I felt hope at the possibility of having children with this man.

“I’ll give you the time you need to heal, and to decide if we’re what you want for the rest of your life, but I need you to promise me something. Never walk away like you did today. If you need to get away, that’s fine, just let me know that you’re going. If I do something to piss me off, and, honey, I know I will, let me know. Don’t come into a bar and go through this struggle alone. Let me help you.”

The tears flowed freely now, and a little hiccupping sound escaped as I tried to hold back a sob.

“One last thing, and then I’ll be quiet and let you say your piece. I didn’t know Ricky. But I know you, so I know he must have been something really special. I don’t want to take his place, and I want to help you honor his memory. But ask yourself this: would he want you to spend the rest of your life alone with only his memory to keep you happy, or would he want you to find love again, and live a full life with a man who loves you?”

I felt his words, as surely as I heard him, and I knew he was right. Ricky would want me to be happy, and I knew that, because if the roles were reversed, I’d want the same for him.

I was crying freely now, so Luke pulled me in his arms and held me until the last of my tears subsided.

I pulled back and allowed myself to get lost in his blue eyes for a minute, then I wiped my face and asked, “How did you get so smart?”

He gave me the grin I was hoping for and said, “I was born that way, I guess.”

I allowed myself a chuckle, happy to have the mood a little lighter, but knowing I wasn’t off the hook.

“Everything you said was right … Ricky would want me to be happy, but even though that’s true, I still feel the guilt, and think I’ll need to resolve that at my own pace. I appreciate your patience and understanding, I truly do, but I want you to also promise me that if the wait begins to be too much, and you want more than I’m able to give , that you’ll tell me, so you can move on.”