More than Exist(49)

I eased myself up on a barstool at the far corner of the bar, where I could be alone but still see what was going on around me. Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to the other people in the bar; I was too busy waging a war within myself.

“What can I get for you?” the bartender asked from a few feet away.

“I need a few minutes,” I said, not bothering to look up.

I ran my hand along the shiny smooth surface of the bar as I thought about my choices.

Would it really be the end of the world if I had one drink?

I thought about Ricky, and wondered how he’d feel about the choices I’d made since he died.

One drink wouldn’t hurt…

I knew he’d be disappointed that I’d let myself get so low, but proud of me for bringing myself back. And if I was honest, he’d think Luke was a good man.

Maybe a Long Island, for old time’s sake.

I thought about the joy on Matty’s face when he figured out a tough homework problem, or beat his high score on a video game.

Just one … to take the edge off … to numb myself a bit.

I thought about the look on Luke’s face when he looked at his son, and the sweet look he’d given me before he lowered his body onto mine on the dock.

After one beer, maybe this ache in my chest will go away…

I thought about Hank calling me pretty girl, or some such compliment every time he saw me, and how proud he was of the man his son had become.

Maybe just one shot, then I’d leave…

I thought about taking late-night walks with Luke and Matty, the sounds of crickets following us as we talked and laughed. The feel of the crisp evening air, letting us know winter wasn’t quite done with us yet.

Or maybe, I’ll just drink until the sadness goes away.

Even if Ricky wouldn’t feel betrayed by my moving on, I was wishing for something I couldn’t have, and was about to be left alone again. Only this time, I wasn’t only losing my husband; I was losing Luke, Matty, Hank, Jones, and even Skywalker. I was losing a place that I’d come to love and feel accepted in.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but after the bartender came back for the fifth time, I was ready to order.

“What are you doing here, Belle?”

My eyes left the bartender’s and shot to the left, and I was shocked to see Jones standing there, his face filled with worry.

“Jones,” I said dumbly, trying to figure out how he got to be here in this bar, at this moment. “What are you doing here?”

“I work near here, remember?” he explained, his eyes searching my face. “Some of the guys and I came in to catch a bite after work.”

I looked around him to see a table filled with burgers, beer, and guys in suits talking as they ate.

“Oh.”

“What are you doing here?” he asked again.

“Were you here the whole time?” I asked, confused as to how I didn’t see them come in.

“Yeah, I saw you come in,” Jones said, running a hand over his mouth. “You’ve been sitting here for almost forty minutes, Belle … What’s going on?”

Forty minutes? Sheesh. How embarrassing to think that Jones had been watching me the whole time. He must think I’m nuts.

“Ma’am, did you say you were ready to order?” the bartender asked, probably needing to move on and help his other guests.

“Yeah, she’ll have a burger,” Jones said, then he turned to me and added, “They’re really good here.”

The bartender looked to me for confirmation, so I gave him a small nod.

“That’s what you are here for, right? Something to eat?” I could tell by the look on Jones’s face that he was giving me an out. He knew I’d been struggling with wanting a drink, but he wasn’t going to call me on it.

“Yes,” I lied, then broke down and said, “Thanks, Jones.”

Rather than smile and accept my gratitude, he got a weird look on his face and said, “Don’t thank me, you’re not getting off that easy.”

I looked at him, confused, then looked up when the door jingled, signaling a new arrival, and I saw Luke striding toward me with a purpose.

I turned to Jones with accusation in my eyes, but he just shrugged and said, “Sorry, Belle, darling, I had to do it.” Then he leaned over and smoothed my hair down in an almost brotherly gesture and said, “Just looking out for you.”

The anger melted as his intention became clear, and I braced myself as I watched Luke get nearer, his face a mixture of sadness, anger, and fear.

“What happened?” he asked when he reached me, and I noticed Jones slip away quietly. “You just left. No explanation, not a word … and then Jones calls and tells me that you showed up here, looking lost and alone. Why didn’t you call?”