More Than I Wanted(38)

Austin reached up, stroking my cheek, “Thank you for making this special. I’ve got so many mixed feelings right now. I’ll be honest, after knowing what happened during my first tour, I was almost glad to be single for my second. And here I am about to go back over, hoping a woman won’t betray me. Don’t get me wrong, I trust you, but it’s bringing up a lot of old feelings again.”

He apologized for going there, discussing this when I was ready to get romantic. It was important though, he had to get it out, talk about his feelings. He’d clammed up about it the last bit of time, so for him to finally open up again, I knew it was the right thing for him.

“I’ve worked through my feelings. I’m going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere, Austin. You’re worth it, and I want nothing but a future where you and I are together.”

“I know, I just can’t help but think back to when you said you couldn’t. I can’t go over wondering if you’re going to decide after three months, four, or even six months that you’ve changed your mind. I need to know you’re in it for the entire year, not just for the first few weeks.”

I looked at the floor, embarrassed how easily I let go last time. I mean, it was far from easy, but I was quick to turn away from possible pain. How could he trust my words now – what had changed? I understood his concern, and knew I couldn’t promise anything above my word.

It was odd how quickly our emotions were bouncing around. In one instance I went from feeling sexy to serious.

“Austin, I don’t know what words you need to hear to make it better, but my actions over this next year will hopefully be enough. I can’t change your past, I can’t make you trust that things won’t change, but I can tell you I’m fully committed to a future together, and I’ll be waiting here when you come home.”

He nodded, not saying much.

“If something happens…” I stopped, choked up, trying again. “If something happens, your folks will let me know?”

He looked down, not saying anything. Finally he spoke, “They don’t know about you.”

My insides went reeling. “What? What do you mean they don’t know about me? Like at all? How is that even possible?” I was stunned, how could they not even know about me? Really? Seriously? Not at all? I was shocked.

“I avoid the topic of relationships with my parents,” he started. “My mom thinks nobody is good enough for me, and my dad, well, he’s just an ass at times, never took much interest in my life. Sure he’s proud of me now that I’m a soldier, but as a kid he was too busy working to care. I stopped taking an interest as I got older.”

I was stunned, “They really don’t know about me?” I stood staring at him like he had two heads. This was a joke, right? I didn’t want to start a fight, not now, he was leaving, and yet… wow. “I don’t know what to say,” I kept as calm as I could. Stay rational, stay rational, now is not the time…deep breath.

He didn’t want to look me in the eye. Austin more than sensed what I was feeling in the moment.

“Were you eventually going to tell them? I mean, it’s not like we’ve only been dating a few weeks. Are you embarrassed or ashamed of me?” I bit my cheek, trying not to be too confrontational, but I was truly shocked he never even mentioned me – not even once.

“Of course I’m not ashamed of you. I guess after our short split, I just wanted to be sure,” he stopped. “I almost said something before we split, but I didn’t. Then I just didn’t want to when we got back together. Not yet, not until I know you’re still here when I get home.”

“What do you mean if I’m still here? Nice, of course I’ll be here. I said I would, didn’t I?” My feelings were hurt, but I guess he had a right to make that comment after our break up. I deserved it, even though it stung.

“How will I know if something happens to you?” I was horrified realizing I might never know. I wasn’t his wife, how could I possibly be on his contact list. It was a confirmed fact, his parents were, and I was not.

“Scott would know. My parents know to contact Scott and Jake in the event of an emergency – so that they can contact other people, my friends.” He didn’t know what to say or how to react. It wasn’t to be hurtful, it was simply an oversight, and now it was growing out of proportion.

“Your friends,” I said flatly. I was numb. Scott and Jake were on his list of people to contact, and I was not. In fact, his parents didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I didn’t exist in their world. I’m sitting here promising to wait an entire year, but they don’t even know I’m a part of their son’s life.