Moonshine(12)

I slammed the lid down on the box and shoved it back under my pillow. I went back to my night watching. The neighbors probably think I am some kind of a creep. They may even call it stalking, but they can bite me for all I care. I can see her bedroom window from my bedroom window, and my light never goes off until hers does. Seems like this way we go to bed together, and I don’t want her to go to bed alone. I think once I talk to her I can set things straight. Let her know that she’s not alone and that she doesn’t have to be scared.

I rubbed my eyes twice thinking maybe I was seeing things. I could swear that it was her walking around outside in the yard. “Fuck,” I hit my head on the window when I tried to strain my eyes to search for her in the dark night. I rubbed my hands back and forth across my head and slowly bent down and peeked out again. “Well I’ll be damned. It is her.”

What is she doing outside in the middle of the night? She hasn’t stepped foot outside that house in a week. I didn’t wait around to see and I didn’t even put my shirt on. I grabbed the box from my pillow and ran outside to see her.

The grass was cold on my bare feet and the night air was cold on my bare chest. I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts, but I didn’t care. I ran to her as fast as I could. “Shine.”

She looked really sick. Her wrist was in a cast and her body looked frail and bone thin, but it wasn’t the way her body looked that terrified me. That look in her eyes when she spotted me was horror. I know it. I didn’t get too close because I feared that she might pass out. I swallowed the large lump in my throat and tried not to take offense to that look. It was sickening to watch. The girl I love is standing here looking at me like she hates me. My heart was slowly breaking and I wanted to fucking cry. She would be the only thing in this world that would make me cry, but I won’t. “I just wanted to talk to you for one minute.” I said slowly but I never took a step closer.

“I can’t.” She looked down at the ground before she turned to leave.

“Please,” I yelled after her. “You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want.” She didn’t. She never turned around, but she had stopped dead in her tracks. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you hate me so bad, but whatever it is I’m sorry. I have missed you so much and my world has fallen apart. It’s a fucking mess, Shine. I need you so bad right now, more than I need the fucking air I am breathing.”

“I can’t be that person, Moon. Things have changed. I am not the same girl I was.”

“It’s okay. You are still my girl no matter what.” I said and watched as her body trembled as she tried to silently cry. It was tearing me up inside to watch it. I couldn’t. I walked over to her and laid my hand on her shoulder. She took a sharp breath and moved away from me quickly. What the hell?

“I told you I can’t. Please don’t push me right now.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I just. I really miss you. I miss you so bad it hurts. I thought that after you saw me that everything would go back to normal. I can see now that I was wrong.” I tried to step around her just a little. I hated that I was talking to her back and that I couldn’t see her beautiful face. Once again she turned away. I bit down on my jaw so hard that I swear I drew blood. I just don’t understand. It makes no sense that she won’t look at me.

“Moon,” she said in a whisper. I could barely hear her. “I’m sorry.” Well at least I think that’s what she said, but what the hell for.

“Why? You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong, Baby. I should be apologizing to you. I don’t know if they told you but my dad’s blood work proved that he’d been drinking. He was fucking messed up and I hate it so bad. When mom told me that he was picking you up, I flipped out. I was gonna come and get you myself. I swear. God, Shine, I am so sorry.” She cried harder. “Don’t cry, please.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am going back in the house now. I’m not ready to do this, any of this; with you or with anybody.” She ran her hands vigorously down her sides. I wanted so bad to hold her in my arms, to fix everything. “I have to have some space. I need time to heal and I just really want to be left alone. Things may never go back to the way they were and as bad as it hurts I have to say this. I can’t be around you right now. It hurts me. We can’t see each other. Okay?”

“Why?” was all that I could say. I bent over resting my hands on my knees. I feel like someone kicked me right in the gut and knocked all of the wind from my chest. I wanted to just tell her that I love her and that I have loved her my whole life, but I couldn’t. She was too upset and she would think I was only saying it to get her to change her mind. It just wasn’t the right time. I wonder if there would be a right time.