Moonshine(11)

For one brief sane moment, I allowed myself to look at my phone. I had kept it on the nightstand beside my bed, but left it on silent. I hadn’t looked at it since the day of the accident. I just felt like blocking them out was an easier task. I sure as hell don’t want to let them in. When the screen came on it was beeping with all sorts of text messages and voicemails. I contemplated whether I should listen to and read the messages, but wasn’t sure if I had the strength to do it. Holding it in my hand, I felt like I was overcoming an obstacle even if I hadn’t read a single message.

I was lost in thought when my phone started to vibrate. You could hear the loud vibrations as it rattled in my hand. “Crap,” I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was a text from Moon. I don’t know if I opened it because it was just habit or if it was because I wanted to see what he had to say, either way I may regret the decision.

Moon- Do you remember that day we met as kids? I have been thinking about it all day. That was the day that I met my best friend. Tell me you are still my best friend. I miss you and I don’t understand what I did. I lost my dad and my best girl all in one day. I am such a damn mess Shine! I need you and I know that you need me. Please! If I were there I would kiss you like I always do and tell you it will be okay!

I read the message twice before another one followed quickly behind it.

Moon- I gotta go help momma now, but I am not giving up on you. Know that when I look at the stars tonight I will think of you. You have to come back to me Shine! I need you.

The tears fell freely from my eyes. I swear, that damn boy. Geez, I love him so much that it hurts. That is why I can’t let him in. I just can’t. He can’t help me. If he actually knew the truth he would hate me forever. He would blame me for his father’s death and he would never believe me when I spoke the truth. It is best to let him think that I don’t want to see him. This way he will move on and find someone to love. Hopefully he will find someone who won’t be broken, and hopefully that someone won’t look at him and see the reminder of the very day she wants to forget. He deserves better than me.





7



Moon

I have been waiting for what feels like forever and I still haven’t heard from Shine; not one single word. She won’t have anything to do with me and I can’t for the love of all that is holy, understand why. I sat there at that hospital in that red uncomfortable chair for so many hours and never left, just to find out that she wanted nothing to do with me. I won’t ever be able to forget her face the day she told me to get out. She was so afraid, as if she’d seen a ghost. What choice did I have? All I could do was go. She obviously didn’t want me there with her, and now even after she is home I still can’t see her. It makes me want to punch something, but I have already put two holes in my bedroom wall and mom nearly shit, so I won’t be doing that again. I still have the bruised up knuckles to prove it.

Four grueling days and one nasty autopsy later, we finally got dad buried. I didn’t cry. Is that awful? I must be a pretty sick bastard to not even cry at my old man’s funeral. Mom nearly had to be carried away from the grave site and watch while everyone stared at her ungrateful son. Yep, that day went well. The morning of the funeral mom asked me to wear a tie and I fought with her about it. I didn’t want to wear the stupid ass tie. I made a big fucking deal about it and got her all upset. I didn’t do it intentionally. It just sort of happened and afterwards I felt like a douche. Maybe that’s the way that I deal with things, but I would have had everything under control had Shine been there. She has always been my back bone.

I promised momma that once she got dad’s things into boxes that I would get them moved down into the basement. Every day since the funeral I have carried one box. That is all she can manage to box up. We haven’t actually sat down and talked about it, and I don’t question it. She calls me down to move the one box and that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.

After I helped momma, I went back to moping in my room. I am like a lost dog who can’t find his way home. Now, I am sitting here in my chair looking outside my bedroom window. It’s pathetic, I know. The same tired routine each night.

Luckily the stars are out tonight, and when I see the stars shinning bright like that I always think of her. Her birthday is coming up and I’ve had her gift for months now. I reached for the velvet box under my pillow, feeling it still there. I was going to give it to her early. The night of the crash I had planned on telling her that I love her and giving her the necklace that I bought her, but I never got the chance. I opened the box and rubbed my fingers across the Silver Star charm that dangled at the end of the necklace. When I saw it at the store I had to get it. I just kept thinking that maybe every year I could add another charm to it. Now I wonder if I will even get to see her on her birthday.