Midnight Sun(22)

But you're not going to run, are you?
I hung my head.
Is it pride, Edward? There's no shame in-
"No, it isn't pride that keeps me here. Not now."
Nowhere to go?
I laughed shortly. "No. That wouldn't stop me, if I could make myself leave."
"We'll come with you, of course, if that's what you need. You only have to ask. You've moved on without
complaint for the rest of them. They won't begrudge you this."
I raised one eyebrow.
He laughed. "Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, it's much better for us to leave now, no
damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended." All humor was gone by the end.
I flinched at his words.
"Yes," I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.
But you're not leaving?
I sighed. "I should."
"What holds you here, Edward? I'm failing to see..."
"I don't know if I can explain." Even to myself, it made no sense.
He measured my expression for a long moment.
No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer.
"Thank you. It's generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one." With one exception. And I was
doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasn't I?
We all have our quirks. He laughed again. Shall we?
He'd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was,
even under the best of circumstances, a less than mouthwatering aroma. Right now, with the memory
of the girl's blood fresh in my mind, the smell actually turned my stomach.
I sighed. "Let's," I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little.
We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward.
It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin sheet of glass
covered everything-each pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass was iced over.
While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the river, waiting for the sun to
rise. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I'd consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst
would mean little when I sat beside the girl again.
Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside the icy bank, stared
right through it.
Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explain my absence. Boarding
school in Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway. The story didn't matter. No one would
question too intensely.
It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear. She would go on with her life -she would
have a life to go on with. She'd go to college somewhere, get older, start a career, perhaps marry
someone. I could picture that -I could see the girl dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace,
her arm through her father's.
It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldn't understand it. Was I jealous, because she had a
future that I could never have? That made no sense. Every one of the humans around me had that same
potential ahead of them -a life- and I rarely stopped to envy them.
I should leave her to her future. Stop risking her life. That was the right thing to do. Carlisle always chose
the right way. I should listen to him now.
The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen glass. One more day, I
decided. I would see her one more time. I could handle that. Perhaps I would mention my pending
disappearance, set the story up.
This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was already making me think
of excuses to stay-to extend the deadline to two days, three, four... But I would do the right thing. I
knew I could trust Carlisle's advice. And I also knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision
alone. Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how
much came from my unsatisfied appetite?
I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school. Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at
the edge of the third floor.
You're leaving again, she accused me.
I sighed and nodded.
I can't see where you're going this time.
"I don't know where I'm going yet," I whispered.
I want you to stay.
I shook my head.
Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?
"They'll need you all the more, if I'm not here to watch out for them. And think of Esme. Would you take
half her family away in one blow?"
You're going to make her so sad.
"I know. That's why you have to stay."
That's not the same as having you here, and you know it.
"Yes. But I have to do what's right."
There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, aren't there?
For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched along with her as the
indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in with strange shadows that I couldn't make