Midnight Sun(103)

after a moment of thought. Now for my apology... I'd never tried to dazzle Bella on purpose before, but
now seemed like a good time. I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from the school, wondering if I
was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.
"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."
Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato.
Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.
I half-smiled. It seemed like I'd gotten it right. Of course, I was having a bit of difficulty looking away
from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing I had this road memorized.
"And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning," I added, finishing the agreement.
She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Um," she said, "it doesn't help with the Charlie
situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."
Ah, how little she still knew me. "I wasn't intending to bring a car."
"How-" she started to ask.
I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration, and now was hardly
the time. "Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car."
She put her head on one side, and looked for a second like she was going to press for more, but then she
seemed to change her mind.
"Is it later yet?" she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in the cafeteria today; she'd let
go of one difficult question just to return another that was more unappealing.
"I suppose it is later," I agreed unwillingly.
I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how to explain...without making my
monstrous nature too evident, without frightening her again. Or was that wrong? To minimalize my
darkness?
She waited with the same politely interested mask she'd worn at lunch. If I'd been less anxious, her
preposterous calm would have made me laugh.
"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" I asked.
"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction," she said.
"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.
"No."
I tried not to smile, and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the
momentary humor. "It was just the very thought of you being there...while we hunted."
"That would be bad?"
The mental picture was too much-Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself, out of control... I#p#分页标题#e#
tried to banish it from my head. "Extremely."
"Because...?"
I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. Feeling it, managing it,
proving my dominion over it. It would never control me again-I willed that to be true. I would be safe for
her. I stared at the welcome clouds without seeing them, wishing I could believe that my determination
would make any difference if I were hunting when I crossed her scent.
"When we hunt...we give ourselves over to our senses," I told her, thinking through each word before I
spoke it. "Govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me
when I lost control that way..."
I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would-not what could , but what would -surely happen
then.
I listened to the spike in her heartbeat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes.
Bella's face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly in what I guessed was
concern. But concern for what? Her own safety? Or my anguish? I continued to stare at her, trying to
translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact.
She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated, though the light had not
changed.
My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to be humming, just like in the
darkened biology room this afternoon. The pulsing current raced between us again, and my desire to
touch her was, briefly, stronger even than the demands of my thirst.
The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it. Like I was human.
More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I
struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to able to put my mouth so close to her skin...
She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started breathing faster, she
had stopped breathing altogether.
I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us.
No more mistakes.
Bella's existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, all so easily disrupted.
The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life or death to her. The fluttering cadence
of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many stupid accidents or illnesses or...by me.
I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she were offered a chance back-if