Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes(46)

Ah, Jaysus! I’ll have te sit down on them steps. The pain is killin me. It’s cuttin right through me, an me breath is hurtin me in me chest. I don’t want anyone te see me. They’ll think I’m a tramp an be afraid of me. They’ll be thinkin, look at her, she’s a dirty little nobody, move away quick before ye catch a disease. An they’ll be afraid te come near me. I need te hide. I know what I’ll do. I’ll creep up te the top of the house an hide on the landin up there. Then I’ll be outa the cold, an I can see wha happens. Oh, me head. I’m goin te get sick! But there’s nothin comin up. I drag meself up the stairs. Me head is swimmin from all the pain. If I could lie down in a warm bed, tha’d be heaven. But I’ll settle fer tha landin. Oh, tha’s better! I can lie down now at last.

I’m curled inta a ball te ease the pain, an it’s nice an quiet. An I’m outa the freezin wind. All I need is somethin te wrap aroun me. Holy God! Are ye there? Listen! I have somethin te say te ye! I’m very annoyed wit me ma! While she’s off gettin herself sick an collectin babbies fer Jackser, she’s not bothered about me an me brother any more. I think she’s sidin wit Jackser now, an she’s finished wit us. I heard tha Jackser fella say they’d lose the money if they get rid of me an Charlie. So this is what I’m askin ye, Holy God. If ye don’t want te mash Jackser inta nothin, then will ye make me grow faster so I can take Charlie an meself an get away from Jackser. I want te be able te manage on me own, in peace an quiet. I’ve been watchin people, an I know how they do it. Ye see, I’m only seven, an people wouldn’t take me seriously. I wouldn’t be able te wear nylons an high heels an work. An have money an be very busy lookin after everythin. An be terribly respectable. An I’d look well an have a fat purse wit loads a green pound notes. An people would say te me, ‘Yes, Mam! Certainly, Mam!’ I’d be different, God, from me mammy. Me ma doesn’t seem te know anythin! So will ye let me get a move on? Even if I was nine or ten, tha’d do. Is tha OK, God? An I promise not te curse any more.

I woke up, an it was light. Jackser was slammin the door shut on his way out. I jumped up without thinkin an came down the stairs. ‘What’re ye doin there?’ Jackser roared. ‘Where were you?’

‘I was here, Jackser!’

He stared at me an said nothin. ‘Right!’ he said, openin the door. ‘Get in there an mind tha young fella. An remember! You’re on borrowed time in this place. Look crooked at me an ye’re out tha door. You fuckin bastards will be out soon enough. Ye’re not wanted here.’

‘OK, Jackser!’ I said, not lookin at him.

Charlie was sittin on the floor in the sittin room. When he saw me, he lifted his arms an started te whinge. I was happy te see him an wrapped meself aroun him on the floor. He went quiet an was content te leave his head in me lap. But I was stiff an cold, an needed te get a bit of heat an somethin te drink an eat. I got up an pulled Charlie te his feet. ‘Let’s see wha there’s left te eat.’

There was a chunk of loaf, an I got the knife an sawed it in half, an gave the other half te Charlie. There was no margarine te put on it. There was nearly a quarter pint of milk left in the bottle, so I poured a little fer Charlie in the jar an gave it te him. An then carefully took mouthfuls from the bottle. Jackser would know how much he left, so I put water in the milk te make it look more. ‘Come on an we’ll go te bed!’ I said te Charlie, an he slapped me away. No! He didn’t want tha. ‘OK!’ I said. ‘Day! Day! I’m goin!’ An he ran after me, roarin. I laughed an whooshed him inta the bed, an then he laughed, an I put the hairy blanket an coats over us, an I was out like a light.

We were in the sittin room, sittin up on the bed, when Jackser came in. ‘Right!’ he said. ‘Get him dressed an put yer coats on.’ I was flyin te get ready, but it was only me heart hammerin in me chest tha was goin fast. Charlie was puttin his two legs in the one leg of his trousers, an I was shakin so much I couldn’t get him ready. ‘Gerra a move on, Mrs!’ Jackser roared at me. ‘I haven’t got all fuckin day!’

‘OK, Jackser! I’m just ready,’ I squeaked.

Charlie was happy, an he was tryin te help me. He knew we must be goin somewhere. But he got all tangled up again. I couldn’t turn aroun, but I was expectin a punch in me head or a kick any minute. So I pushed Charlie down on the bed an whipped the trousers off him. Charlie saw the look on me face an lay still. I was very silent, but he could tell we’d better be quiet, this was no time te mess. I put his shoes an coat on him, an looked at me own coat. It was ripped, but so was me frock. I wish I had a pin. I’d better put it on anyway. I can’t go out in me skin. He’ll go mad now when he sees this, an we won’t go out. I held the coat together an clamped me right arm down tight over it an put Charlie standin in close beside me, so he mightn’t notice.