Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes(45)

16


I woke up an it was pitch black. The room was freezin cold, an there was only a strip of blue light comin in through the winda. Me heart was hammerin in me chest. Somethin woke me up. I tried te hold me breathin te listen. There it is! Jackser’s footsteps on the landin. An he’s tryin te get the key in the door. Holy Mother, grant tha he doesn’t kill us. I promise, if ye do this fer us, I’ll never be bold again. Me whole body was shakin. He fell in the door. ‘I’ve got a son! I’m a father!’ he roared. ‘Yer mammy has a lovely new babby. He’s jet black an as brown as a nigger. He’s fuckin lovely.’ He fell aroun the room, an I was up on me knees in the bed, ready te spring. I didn’t care about him an his babby. I wanted te know if me mammy was all right. I couldn’t understand wha was goin on. But I had a feelin him an his babby were behind me ma nearly dyin. I knew now she wasn’t dead, or he would have said. But I still didn’t know if she was goin te get better an come home te us.

‘Here!’ Jackser says. ‘I brought back bread. You get down te the shop an get me a bit of black an white puddin. An hurry! Don’t be there till ye’re back!’ he roared.

‘OK, Jackser. I’ll get me coat,’ an tha’s when I grabbed Charlie an put him on his feet, still half asleep, an rushed him inta the bedroom. It was freezin, but he’d be safer in here, outa harm’s way. I put him inta the bed an covered him up te his neck. ‘Now, you stay there an go back te sleep, an don’t make a sound until I come inta ye. Then ye’ll be grand.’ I put me coat on an looked fer me shoes.

‘Get a fuckin move on! Wha’s keepin ye?’

I rushed out, closin the door behind me.

‘Right! Here’s the money. I’m warnin ye! Don’t be long!’

‘No, Jackser! I’ll run all the way.’

I was back in a flash! Jackser took one look at the puddin an screamed, ‘Tha’s the fuckin dear stuff. It’s wrapped! Where’s me change?’

‘There’s none, Jackser.’

He picked up the heavy fryin pan an whacked me. I ducked me head, an he brought it down on me back. The pain sent me crashin down te the floor, an before I could get me breath he yanked me back on me feet by me hair. I was doubled up.

‘Get back te the shop an get the ordinary stuff.’

I was winded an couldn’t straighten up. ‘Yes, Jackser!’ I tried te straighten an control the big sobs in me. Jackser hates ye te show pain or cry when he hurts ye. It makes him worse.

I could hardly walk, me stomach was heavin from the pain. Jesus! Jesus, help me! The aul one in the shop looked very annoyed, but she didn’t fight me. She gave me the puddin an change. Jackser was satisfied an gave me a ha’penny an told me te go back te the shop an buy sweets. ‘An make sure ye bring back sweets fer tha child in there!’

‘OK, Jackser,’ I said. I got three jelly babies an brought them back te share wit me brother. There’ll be two fer me an one fer him, I was thinkin as I came up the dark stairs. Then I dropped two. Jaysus! Where are they? I couldn’t see. I spread me hand along the stairs but I couldn’t find them. I searched an searched. But they were gone in the dark. Ah, well, tha’s me bad luck. Lucky I still have one fer Charlie or Jackser would go mad.

When I got back in Jackser said, ‘Where’s the sweets?’

‘Here, Jackser! I kept one fer me brother.’

‘Where’s the rest of them, eh?’

‘I dropped the other two on the stairs! They’re lost.’

‘Ye fuckin lyin bastard.’ An he lifted me off me feet wit a kick, sendin me sprawlin. I was doubled up in agony an screamed wit pain. He came chargin at me, an I rolled inta a ball te protect me head. He lifted me off the ground, tearin me coat, then he grabbed me from the front, tearin the frock off me. I was naked. He whirled aroun an went over te the press an pulled out a rag. It was a coat at one time, but now it had no sleeves, just two big holes in the armpits, an the linin was gone, an it had been cut off at the end. He threw it at me an said, ‘Here, put this rag on. No bastards are stayin under my roof. I want no other man’s leavins! Get back on the street where I found ye.’

I put the coat on me, an it went down te me shoes. Then he lifted me by the neck, opened the door, an roared, ‘Get back on the streets. An if I see ye aroun, ye’re fuckin dead!’

I went down the stairs an out onta the street. I pulled the coat aroun me, but the armpits was too big an left me all exposed te the cold night air on me bare skin. The coat was trippin me up, an I looked down at meself. An I was so ashamed. I was walkin up an down outside the house not knowin wha te do. People will laugh at me if they see me like this. What am I goin te do? I looked up at the winda, an I could see the flickerin from the candle. But he was not goin te call me back. Me head was full of lumps an painin me. An me hair was all gone in a big bald patch. It came out in me hand when I touched me head. Holy God! Are ye listenin te me? Make Jackser stop hittin me, an don’t let him hurt me brother. Help me te find a way te put him in good form. An make me mammy better, an let her come back te me. An maybe Jackser will fall off his bike under a lorry an get mashed, so he can’t come back. An I promise, Holy God, I’ll be good fer the rest of me life.