Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes(21)

I bounced along when I walked wit the nun out te the yard, an she left me there an shut the door behind me. I was left lookin at a high wall wit a concrete ground an a load a childre runnin aroun chasin each other. I stood rooted te the spot, afraid te move. I kept lookin at the height of the wall an the other childre playin an laughin. An I wondered would I ever be like them. Could I laugh an play wit them an everythin be all right? An me heart’d stop painin me.

A big young one rang the bell, an we lined up an marched outa the yard an down long passages te a big room wit long tables an benches. We sat down an drank mugs a cocoa an ate chunks a bread. Then we said prayers an left the room. We marched again, down more passages an up onta landins, an there were more stairs an statues everywhere. An then we arrived in a very long room filled wit beds. It was a bit like the hospital ward, only the beds were pushed together more. They said it was six o’clock, an the sun was shinin in the winda. The nun put me in a big warm nightdress an inta an iron bed wit white sheets an black blankets, just like the hospital. But I knew, in the hospital, I was goin te get out sometime. Here, I was goin te be locked up fer ever. I pined fer me mammy, an I worried about wha happened te me babby brother. I missed him wrappin himself aroun me neck an me kissin him an squeezin him. An I knew he’d be missin me an me mammy, too.

The bell woke me up. The nun was marchin up an down the dormitory – tha’s where we sleep – bangin the big bell up an down. It’s the middle of the night – well, it must be, cos it’s still pitch black outside! The big ones come in te help us get dressed an make our beds. Mine is wet as usual. But so is a lot a other childre’s. The big ones quickly strip the beds an throw the wet sheets in a mound in the middle of the floor. Then they put new sheets on the beds an make them up. Then we’re all dressed an go down te the chapel an pray. All the dormitories come together on the chapel passage. The biggest are up the front of the line. An we’re nearly the last lot te go inta the chapel, wit the big young ones herdin us in an keepin order, an the nun leadin the way.

There was a big fight outside the refectory at tea time last night. The nuns were up gettin their prayers, an the big ones were left in charge. The big ones can be very vicious. If a nun goes fer a big one who’s been lazy or sloppy or didn’t polish a floor properly, then the big one can take her spite out on a little one an punch an kick her an pull the hair outa her fer maybe wettin the bed or maybe she didn’t like the way the little one looked at her. If ye have a big sister te look out fer ye, then maybe ye’ll be all right.

These two big ones were tearin each other up an down the passage cos one of them hit a little young one te get back at the big one who loves mindin the little one. She’s her favourite, an she won’t let anyone near her. The two of them are left standin outside the refectory this mornin, an they got no breakfast.

Rosie an Josie an me are the bestest of friends. They think I’m great, an I think they’re great. We always hold hands, an we play chasin, an we talk, an they always ask me what it’s like on the outside. I tell them they’re not missin much. If I could have me babby wit me, an me mammy could stay here – sure, wha more could a body want? But they tell me she’d have te be a nun te get in here or a child, an then I’m back te square one.

Rosie doesn’t remember comin here – she was only a babby. But Josie remembers comin in a Black Maria from the court, an her mammy tellin her she was goin te England te find a place, an she’d be back te take her. Her mammy was cryin when they took her away. She was three at the time. Now she’s seven, an she doesn’t think her mammy will be back. I said tha me ma put me away lots of times when I was younger, even when I was a babby, but she always takes me back. If we be patient an just wait, they’ll come an get us. Then Rosie smiled an said, ‘Do you think my mammy might be famous?’

An I thought about this an then it hit me. ‘Yeah! They’re fillum stars! They’re gone off te America, an when they come back te collect ye’s, they’ll stand up in the parlour wit all the nuns talkin te them, an smilin, an admirin their lovely fur coats, an lookin at their high heels, an smellin their perfume. An the mammies will say, “I’ve come te collect my childre! Me big car’s outside,” an all the nuns will rush te the winda te get a look. An a man wearin a lovely suit an a big cigar in his mouth will wave at them. An then Josie’s mammy will say, “He is me new husband.” An Rosie’s mammy will say, “My new husband is a very important man. Too important te meet youse nuns. An Josie’s mammy here is givin me a lift te take me back te me airplane where I’m goin te America an takin me Rosie wit me, so I am.”’