Loving Lily(35)
“Okay,” she whispered, giving me a hard, fully intense gaze. “Okay. All of this”—her breath became shaky as she looked around before landing her eyes on me again—“this … whatever this is will all go away, but you need to come clean. I need to hear you say the truth. It’s been lonely without you, but I’d rather stay in my protective shell if you’re not willing to come out and tell me what you’re hiding from me. We both know there’s something there, so don’t accuse me of hallucinating this whole weird situation.”
Locking my jaws, I stared after her as the seconds ticked by, wondering how to approach the subject as delicately as possible. It had to be in a way that wouldn’t jeopardize what I cherished the most and what I intended to do. “I’m not cheating on you.” My tone came out harsh, ragged, and breathy. “I know you’ve been thinking it. I see it often in your eyes. They’re very accusing. But, no, I am not, and I will never need to seek pleasure from another woman as long as I’m married to you.”
She made a painful nod, acknowledging, though she didn’t appear to be convinced by my reasoning. “That’s not enough, Drake. There’s more to the story, so don’t you dare try to hide the truth from me.”
“There is more to it, yes. I admit there’s so much more to it”—I paused, sending her a pleading look—“but I can’t tell you, not now, anyway. When the time is right, I promise you I won’t withhold a word. I’ll tell you everything, but today’s not that day, Lil, and I’m sorry for that.”
Her face instantly crumbled, shattered by my unwillingness to disclose something that was so important to her.
Gradually closing the gap between us, I stepped right before her, feeling the hotness of her breath and seeing the sadness radiating through her eyes. “Please, I need you to trust me on this,” I begged for the last time, hoping I could reach out to her, and she would see the kind of struggle I was in. Every night, I came home to her. Every day, it was her and the baby I thought of. In my eyes, I hoped she could see the truth—that my words were merely that: simple words formed by my mouth. My eyes should show her just how much she meant to me.
“I don’t know if I can,” she finally said after what seemed to be an eternal stretch of time.
Cupping her face, I persisted, “You can, Lil. I have never been so desperate for you to trust me until now. You can find it in you to trust my word.”
She seemed apprehensive. “What if … What if you’re lying to me? How can I be sure you’re not lying to me, Drake?”
“I’m your husband. You should take my word until proven untrustworthy.” The stab of pain due to her mistrust of me felt like a betrayal of the highest order. How could she not know? These things—the small details a man and woman in love shared between them, that undeniable connection that could be read through their eyes—was what I thought I had with Lily. It seemed I had been wrong on that assumption.
“Give me time to come to terms with this,” she finally whispered as she took my hands from her face before spinning around towards the windows, gazing out at the sea. “The baby will come before we know it, and all I know is that I can’t go on feeling like this.”
The hints behind her words could go both ways. I only hoped it would swing in my favor.
“Okay,” I conceded with a heavy heart yet with a little flourishing hope it possibly wasn’t as far gone between us as I had feared. “If time is what you need, I’ll give you that. But, please, I ask you not to shut me out. Let me in a little, at least where the baby’s concerned. I would love to be a part of his or her growth, too.”
She nodded before facing me. “If you really want to, of course you can. Anyway, do you mind if I unwind before dinner time?” It was my cue to leave her be.
Sighing loudly, I reluctantly retraced my steps towards the door before giving her a final lingering look. “Rest well. I’ll be right outside.” Maybe I could unwind in my own way on the veranda with a glass of whiskey as I dwelled on my chaotic life.
Closing the door to our bedroom, I strolled towards the marbled flooring as I gazed towards the stretch of white sand and the blue sea. The beautiful, colorful contrast brought some sense of relief to my distressed mind.
How could a perfect life start crumbling in the blink of an eye?
That was where it all started, the very spot Lily and I had entwined our fates and were never the same afterward. I only hoped coming there and being with her wasn’t a sign we would be ending our relationship there, as well.