Love's Suicide(135)

I sniffled and tried to gain my composure enough to finish. “I know we had some really bad times, but I’m going to remember the good ones. When I think of you, I’m going to see you smiling when you saw B being born. I’m going to think of that first time you held her and how I saw you cry. I’ll remember the love you had for her, and for me. I promise to never forget what you gave up to be my friend and how hard you worked to be a better person. For what it’s worth, they were the reasons that I loved you. I know it means nothing now, but I did love you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you more. Please, Bobby, wherever you are, please forgive me. I. Am. So. Sorry.”

I don’t know why I expected someone to put their hand on my back to comfort me. As I turned around, I saw all of their eyes on me. His family turned their heads like I was someone they couldn’t stand to look at. In just days they’d all formed their own opinions about me and my life.

I walked down the aisle slowly, since I couldn’t go any faster. I’d been at low points in my life, but nothing like this. When I opened the door to the outside, I didn’t look back. The further I got away from that church, the more I was able to breathe again.

For a while I sat in my car, consumed with guilt and regret. I could have made better decisions and knowing that was eating me from the inside out.

When I pulled up at the house I noticed that Brooks wasn’t there. My heart ached for the way he’d left me at the church. I’d pissed him off when he was trying to support me. Yet again, I’d screwed up.

Walking into the house and seeing the look on Danica’s face made it all even worse. I placed my purse and keys down and looked around for B.

“Brooks took her out for a bit.”

“Do you know where? Maybe I can change and meet them.”

Danica patted the seat next to her on the couch. “Katy, I think you need to sit down. I’ve got some things I need to say to you.”

I walked slowly, as if I was a young child, preparing to be scorned. I’d hurt her son and she wasn’t going to sit around watching history repeat itself.

I started crying even before she could say anything. I felt her hand grabbing mine and I looked up at her face. She was crying. “Katy, you can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what? I’m trying to put my life together and everything keeps getting so messed up. Everything I touch gets misconstrued and turns to shit. I should have just ended my life years ago when everything went awry. I could have saved all of you so much frustration and pain.”

“Stop it, Katy. Don’t you ever say that to me or anyone else. Something like that solves nothing. Do you honestly think that Brooks would be better if you were gone forever? How did you feel when you thought he’d died?”

I cried harder. “I felt empty, like I couldn’t go on.”

She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. “Don’t you ever let me hear you say that again. You’re a mother and like a daughter to me. My sons both care deeply for you and so does Walt. No matter what this world thinks, or how you feel about yourself, you are loved. You always have been and you always will be.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I make the worst decisions and ruin people’s lives.”

“Everyone makes mistakes. We’re human.”

I shook my head. “You’ve been perfect for my whole life. That’s easy for you to say.”

She took a deep breath and started crying herself. Brooks and B came walking in the door as she spoke. “You couldn’t be more wrong, Katy. That’s why I think it’s time you knew the truth.” She looked up at Brooks. “It’s time I told you both the truth, because I can’t sit here and watch you two fall apart, when you’ve got a real chance at happiness.”

I had no idea what she was talking about and from the look on Brooks’ face, neither did he. He crouched down and whispered in B’s ear. She went running into her bedroom.

Our eyes met and I felt his pain. I felt every emotion that I’d made him feel and it was as if I was being stabbed in the heart. I smiled and he looked away. “Look, Mom, I appreciate you trying to help, but if it’s all the same, I’m just going to head back to the barracks for the night.”

I didn’t have a chance to argue.

“No, Brooks. You’re going to come sit down next to Katy and listen to what I have to say.”

When he didn’t move, she stood up and pointed to the couch. “Now.”

Even as a grown man, I watched him sit quickly, knowing his place.

Whatever it was that she was going to say must have been important, but for the life of me, I couldn’t even imagine her having any kind of secret.