Love Survives(21)

As much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t understand how I would ever want to write down my feelings.

Then, the day before I was to fly home for the wedding of my brother and Kat, I sat down on my bed and stared at the journal. I think it took me longer to locate a pen, then it did to find words to express how I felt.

I started with the date, hoping that someday I could look back and appreciate that it was in chronological order of when I’d hit rock bottom to when I finally figured out how to move on without Kat.



December 20th 2010

I’m about to embark on a trip home, not knowing if I’ll be able to keep my shit together. It’s been years since I laid eyes on Katy Michaels, but a day hasn’t gone by where I didn’t miss, think about, or wish she was preparing to marry me instead of my brother.

The Army has taught me to be strong, tough, and in control. I know when our eyes meet for the first time I’ll lose all of that. She’s my only weakness.

I’m getting ready to head to the airport and then be on my way to the hotel where they’ll wed. I keep thinking that if I tell her how I’ve felt for so long, she’ll choose me instead, but I know it’s not true.

Kat made her decision years ago. What’s done is done. I can daydream all I want, but she’s not going to change her mind, not this close to her wedding day. It isn’t like we can run off into the sunset together. I don’t even know why I’m writing this down. It’s only going to piss me off more when I read it later.



After confessing my feelings to a ridiculous book, I laid awake staring at the ceiling. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep knowing I was about to see her. My heart was already on edge and facing my brother was going to be an even harder challenge. He’d known we’d slept together. He didn’t even want me at the wedding to begin with. I’m sure he was only doing it for Kat. All I could imagine was getting into a brawl in front of everyone who’d be a part of our lives. My parents would never forgive me, and if they found out what I’d done under their roof I would never be able to justify the repercussions.

I’d already lost so much, actually I’d given up. Was I really willing to show up just to rehash what couldn’t be changed?

By six the next morning I was awake and dressed. I got a ride to the airport and watched the driver pulling away, wondering if I should call him back and forget about the trip. What good would it bring anyone if I showed up. Sure, Kat would be angry, and probably hurt, but it was better than having her wedding ruined because I couldn’t be near my brother.

Since all of this was my fault I knew there was only one thing I could do. It was better he hear it from me first anyway. I dialed my dad’s number, hoping he wasn’t close to my mom when he answered. This was one thing I never wanted her to find out about. The thought of disappointing my mom got under my skin. It would bother me forever if she thought she hadn’t taught me right from wrong.

“Brooks, I hope you’re not calling because your flight is delayed.”

“No. The flight is fine.” I honestly hadn’t checked. I hadn’t even stepped foot in the airport yet.

“Are you calling to confirm when you’ll arrive at the hotel? Your mom gave you the address, didn’t she?”

This was going to be harder than I thought. “I have the address. I’m just not sure I should come at all.”

“What do you mean, son? Why wouldn’t you be here for Branch and Katy? You’re the best man.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what I’ve done, dad.” I watched a woman leading her child into the airport. They were each pulling matching luggage, and it was cute seeing the little girl pretending to be grown up. It made me think about Kat and Branch having a child. I wondered if she’d have a daughter that looked just like her. Would she call me uncle, or would I be kept away from her because of what I’d done behind my brother’s back?

“Brooks, you’re not making any sense. Can we talk about this when you get here? Your mom has me running all over the place today.”

“Actually we can’t. There’s no way I can show up tonight without you hearing what I have to tell you. It’s important.”

I could tell my dad was reconsidering what he’d said. He cleared his throat before responding. “Sure. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

I scrunched up my face even though I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just worried. I’ve been holding something in for a while now. Honestly, I hoped you’d never have to find out it happened, but since Branch knows there’s no telling what he’ll say or do.”