Love My Pain (Cape Falls Book 6)(14)

“I know which one.”

“I picked it up, and I slammed it into my thigh. It was just … I don’t know why I did it, only that I couldn’t stop myself. I wore some faded jeans, and the fabric kind of got in the way, but I felt the pain as it dug against the skin, and I pressed it in even further until I finally pierced the skin. The moment the skin broke, I stopped.” She took in a breath. “I was able to breathe, I was able to think more clearly, and to understand what the hell had happened. I can’t even begin to describe how … freeing it was. I was finally free. They couldn’t control that, nor could they take it away from me.”

“Sophie never knew?”

“She still doesn’t know. For a long time, a couple of months, I didn’t do anything. It was like my secret, you know. It was nice to have a secret, and then it started to build up, and the compass, it just didn’t work like it did the last time. Dad had these old fashioned like cut throat razors. He liked to have a really close shave. I was in our tiny bathroom, and he had left them out. So many of them. I don’t even remember thinking anything. I picked one up, and stared at the blade, and it was like actions where I was watching outside of myself. I didn’t have any control at all. I was just the vessel for what I wanted to happen. That blade, I kept, and I put the others away so Sophie wouldn’t hurt herself.”

“You’ve been using blades ever since?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He reached out to wipe away the tears. The pain in her eyes was so acute, so deep, and so scary to look at. She was a twenty-five year old woman who should be out having the time of her life. Instead, she had been forced to raise a child that she didn’t even have. That was a lot to put on a child, a baby. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to die?”

“No. I don’t.”

“Good. We can do this. I think I can help you. If you want my help.”

“Yes, I do.”

****

One week later

“Are all submissives the same?” Isabel asked, watching as Peter cleaned down one of the playrooms at Control.

“How do you mean?”

“Do they all know they want a Master? Do they all have problems that need to be dealt with?” Edward was off with William right now, and she had to talk to Peter for all the information she wanted. She sat on the spanking bench, legs swinging back and forth. The playrooms were fun places to be, especially when no one else was in there. She was able to look around and explore without fear of being told off.

“Why are you constantly asking me?” he asked.

“You’re closer to my age, and you don’t seem as grumpy as the other men. They all look fierce, and you look kind of fun.” She smiled at him. “Is it okay for me to ask you? Edward said if I had any questions I could ask.”

“Have you and he done anything at all?” Peter asked.

“How do you mean?”

“In the playroom, explored?”

“Nope. We’re taking it easy.” Edward was also waiting for certain wounds to heal. Isabel couldn’t remember a time when she had been that impatient for a cut to heal, but it was taking its time.

Ever since she had confessed that first time, and the time after that, she felt free. Like it didn’t matter what else happened to her. Someone understood, and didn’t see her as a freak.

“Are you sure this is the life you want? To be at Control, and to help other submissives as well as yourself?” Peter asked.

“Edward told me that it’s not a twenty-four/seven kind of gig that he wanted. He likes to play.”

“And you want to play?”

“I want to be what he needs,” she said. This was weird talking about her decisions with Peter. “Can we not talk about it?”

“Fine. Personal stuff is not allowed.”

“Do you like being a Dominant?” she asked. This was safer ground. So far at home nothing had changed. She and Edward shared time together, meals, and fun. They didn’t share a room, nor did they share their desires. Most nights she lay in bed thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, and hoping that he was doing the same. She had touched herself though. Since he had taken her kit, and they had this agreement, her own pleasure felt wrong.

To resist temptation, she hadn’t even watched any of the porn clips she loved so much. Instead, she focused on Control, on learning as much as she could.

“Yes, I do. It relaxes me, and I know I bring a lot of pleasure by being who I am, especially to Rose.”

She saw the smile on his lips as he spoke his wife’s name.