Killing Kate(37)
“I-I’m fine,” I say. “Just feeling a bit out of it.”
“Come out when you’re ready,” Devin tells me on the other side of the door. I hear him shuffle away and let out my breath.
I stand up and stretch and begin to put on the boxers and t-shirt that lay on the floor next to me. I take a few deep breaths and look at the sheets and realize that I’m sweaty as hell and should probably offer to wash them for Devin. When I am ready, I walk out of Devin’s room and toward the kitchen. I can’t help walking there. It smells like bacon and I’m ravenous. I’m beginning to think the only thing I will ever eat again is breakfast. Turns out there’s more than just bacon waiting for me in the kitchen. Justin is sitting at the table.
I sit down across from him at our four person breakfast table and don’t say anything. I can’t really look up at him either and realize I look like shit and haven’t showered in a day. I’m not wearing a bra and I’m wearing a shirt that says “Budweiser Beach Babe” that I got for free at a wet t-shirt contest at Appleseed a year ago. Devin puts a plate down in front of me. I pick up my fork and begin to dig in, scooping food in my mouth faster than a fat kid with a piece of cake. He made waffles and I don’t really mess around when I see waffles. They’re my favorite, particularly with bacon. Devin knows my penchant for caramel sauce with waffles and he has it on the table already for me. I squeeze the bottle and a generous portion oozes out onto my plate. I dip forkfuls of waffles and bacon into the sauce and begin stuff myself silly.
“Justin and I were talking,” Devin says, sitting down next to me. “And he said something I agree with. I think it’s time for you to go back to therapy.”
“No,” I manage to say with a mouthful of food. I’m going to get fat living with Devin. I chew slowly and swallow. “Absolutely not. Besides, it’s not like Justin came up with this out of the blue and you decided it was a good idea. More like you planted the idea in his head and said to come over and back you up.”
Devin sighs and rubs his head. I wonder if he’s slept much during my comatose rest. “Jenna,” he says. “I know you hate being medicated. But maybe it would just be good to talk to someone about things. Maybe you don’t have to take medication. Maybe-“
“NO.” I put my fork down. “Devin, you know as well as I do that they don’t just ‘talk’ to people like me. They’ll medicate me. They’ll throw me into the hospital. They’ll give me shock therapy. You know all of it. We’ve been through it. No, wait, I’ve been through it. You just sat back and self-medicated.”
“Jenna,” Justin interrupts. “Devin just wants to help-“
“Why the fuck are you talking?” I ask him, “Last time I saw you, you weren’t exactly happy with me, and now you’re teaming up with my well-meaning brother to lock me away.”
“You don’t talk to him like that!” Devin shouts at me and I stand up and cover my ears. He pulls my hands away and I grab the plate of unfinished breakfast I am now finished devouring and hurl it at Devin. He grabs me and holds my arms down at my sides. I scream and bring my legs up to kick out to Justin, who is coming toward us. He ducks and misses my legs. I writhe away from Devin and break free, and then I’m gone.
*
Sometimes when I come out from being Kate, it’s not really unpleasant. You’ll hear people say that it’s like fainting and waking up from that. Not always for me. Sometimes there’s no disorientation and no “where am I?” feeling. Sometimes, but not always. Instead, I’m doing something really mundane like eating ice cream or brushing my teeth. This time I’m sitting on the couch watching a baseball game. I hate baseball, but Kate loves it. She’s a Sox fan. I’ve considered becoming a Cubs fan just to mess with her but I can’t possibly generate enough energy to actually give a shit about baseball. It’s just so fucking boring.
Devin and Justin are sitting in the room with me. They look relatively unalarmed and so I figure minimal damage was done this time and I haven’t gone and gotten arrested or pregnant or adopted a pet or anything dangerous or permanent. They are both sitting and drinking beers and watching the television screen. I can see from the array of bottles on the table they’ve been at it for a while, though I’m sure Kate made her contribution. “Did Kate lose any money on this game?” I ask them to let them know I’m here. Justin looks at me, appearing a bit alarmed. Devin looks completely unaffected. He’s used to this.