Killing Kate(35)

He shrugs. “I want to give you the benefit of the doubt but right now I’m thinking a lot of things that aren’t good.”

“Tell me,” I say, turning in my seat to look at him. He’s doing the jaw clenching thing again.

“You won’t want to hear it,” he replies.

“I do want to hear it.”

“I’m thinking that the reason you can’t tell me anything right now is because you actually slept with this guy and feel guilty about it.” He looks at me. “Am I close?”

“No!”

“So you didn’t sleep with him?”

“Can we please not talk about this right now?” I am yelling. It’s not flattering. I take a deep breath. “Justin, everything we talked about tonight meant a lot to me,” I tell him. “I don’t lie. Ask Devin. It’s not in me to lie, though I’m not ready to tell you. I really do like you, but something just happened to me that I don’t want to relive through a conversation with you just yet. I’d like to forget this whole evening didn’t happen after I left you. But at the same time, I’m glad it did.” At least I know now that Drake is everything I thought he was; dangerous and not good for me. There goes my inner conflict, though what I had to go through to resolve it wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped it would be.

“You’re glad what happened?” Justin demands to know. “Jenna, this isn’t going to sound any better the more you say.”

“I’m going to keep my mouth shut,” I say. “Everything I say isn’t sounding right or even remotely able to convey how I feel.” I start to cry. “Justin, I need to get home to Devin. I need to be with my brother. I can’t make you understand what happened.” I can’t tell you yet, I want to say. I want to talk about it, but Devin needs to hear about it. I can’t understand what’s going through my head right now. Where was Kate, I wonder? I couldn’t feel her anywhere. I just feel numb.

The rest of the ride is silent. Justin pulls up in front of the house, but makes no indication that he is coming inside. “Can I call you tomorrow?” I ask him.

“You can,” he replies. He is cold to me and I feel like bursting into tears all over again. He watches me walk to the door and let myself in and drives away. When I walk inside Devin is waiting for me in his chair. He looks exhausted and mad.

“Jenna, what the hell?” he shouts. He stands up and storms over but stops. “Holy shit, Jenna, what happened? Why were you crying?”

And then I burst into tears all over again.

*

“What I can’t understand is why didn’t Kate come to your rescue?” Devin asks. I have told him everything. Well, everything except for one small detail, which is who I was with. If Devin knew about Drake he would go and kill him. I decide it’s more important to keep Devin out of jail than to take revenge on Drake, although he deserves to die, as far as I’m concerned. The easiest solution is to just avoid him entirely.

“I have no idea,” I say. “It’s like before she would always come to my rescue whenever something unpleasant happened. This time she generously let me experience it all for myself.”

“But in a way it’s kind of a good thing,” Devin says. I give him a dirty look. “I mean, it’s not good that you went through that, but it’s a breakthrough of sorts.”

Is it? I wonder. We are sitting on the couch together. Its 5:42 am and neither one of us has had much sleep, though I’m wide awake and I think Devin is too. He’s used to operating on almost no sleep as a railroader. I am freshly showered under Devin’s care for the second night in a row. Yet I feel okay, like I’m going to get through this. Devin is with me. Of course I will get through this. Not to mention, Devin’s right. Kate isn’t here and it feels like a breakthrough. My head is resting on his shoulder and his arms are around me. As much as I wish he wouldn’t pry into my business, I need Devin in my life. He’s the only one who knows what I’ve been through and how things are with Kate.

“I just feel shitty about how I left things with Justin,” I say to Devin. “I couldn’t tell him, you know?”

“About Kate?” Devin asks me. I’m sure I look sheepish.

“No, I, um, told him about Kate,” I say. “We sort of had a chat as he drove me over.” To get raped is how I’d like to sarcastically complete that sentence, but I know it will make me sound crass.

Devin cringes for a second, but then his face relaxes. “You realize there are a couple of very unconventional things that occurred this evening,” Devin says. “You not only opened up about a very secret part of yourself to someone new, but your alter ego failed to show up after a traumatic experience. And you’re not on medication?” I shake my head. “Well something is working. Why did you decide to tell Justin?”