Jeeves and the Wedding Bells(8)

I HANDED THE beastly thing to Jeeves without a word. If there is one thing to strike fear into the belly more than the prospect of a visit from Aunt Agatha, it is the prospect of a visit from Aunt Agatha with young Thos in tow.

‘Ye gods, Jeeves,’ I said. ‘It’s like piling whatsit on whatsit.’

‘Pelion upon Ossa, sir.’

New readers, as they say, start here; the old lags familiar with the Wooster family set-up might like to practise a scale or two on the piano while I bring the tyros up to the mark on the important distinction to be made between my Aunt Dahlia who, though loud of voice and firm of view, is on the side of the Seraphim, Dominions and Powers, and this Aunt Agatha, who is so deeply imbued with shades of darkness that in the aftermath of bloodletting even Vlad the Impaler might have yielded her first dibs with stake and mallet. And that, by way of background, is all I have time for at the moment.

‘What on earth am I do to, Jeeves?’

‘Might I suggest you offer her ladyship the run of the apartment, sir?’

‘Have you gone off your trolley, Jeeves?’

‘I trust not, sir. My thinking was that—’

‘I know what your thinking was,’ I said, as inspiration came to me – suddenly, as it does. ‘Your thinking was something to do with my side-whiskers, wasn’t it? Rather like your inability to offer any help to young Woody this morning. Tell me, Jeeves, man to man. Is this a General Strike?’

‘Not at all, sir. I have no opinion as to your facial hair. It is not my place. Mr Beeching’s predicament is one I would wish to consider more deeply before offering counsel. As for Lady Worplesdon, sir, I thought you might wish to make such accommodation available to her on the grounds that you yourself would be absent from the premises.’

I mulled this over for a moment. ‘Absent, did you say?’

‘Yes, sir. I thought a number of birds might be dispatched with a single stone, as it were.’

‘You speak in riddles, Jeeves.’

‘The matter is a delicate one, sir.’

‘You are among friends.’

‘Thank you, sir. Mr Beeching’s future happiness seems to depend on the successful outcome of another tryst, or engagement. The lady in question, Miss—’

I held up a policeman’s hand. ‘One does not bandy, Jeeves.’

‘Indeed not, sir. Might I refer to recent events on the Côte d’Azur and to what one might call the Female Lead or Principal in the drama?’

‘You might, Jeeves.’

‘Thank you, sir. It will not have escaped your attention that this Female Lead—’

‘Or Principal.’

‘Indeed, or Principal, has a crucial part to play in Mr Beeching’s future.’

‘The hypothetical bacon bringer-home and the Côte d’Azur Female Lead being one and the same girl, you mean.’

‘Almost certainly, sir. It occurred to me that if you were to take up residence at Kingston St Giles for a short time, you might be able to assist Mr Beeching—’

‘Or at any rate you could, Jeeves.’

‘I should give it my best endeavours, sir. It would further enable you to renew acquaintance with certain persons, should you so desire it, and …’

‘I desire it like billy-ho, Jeeves. Though at a distance. And with conditions. She is engaged to another fellow.’

‘…And furthermore to relieve yourself of any irksome aspects of the proposed familial visit.’

He had a point, I thought. But there was also a sizeable snag. ‘I can’t just telephone this Hackwood fellow and invite myself to stay. It’s not as though I’m a Ranjitsinhji either. I shouldn’t be bringing much to the cricketing party, if invited.’

‘I would think it most unwise to alert Sir Henry to your presence, sir. I feel sure that by now he will have been informed of certain events upon the Côte d’Azur and would not wish to issue any such invitation.’

‘You mean the Wooster name is already mud as far as he’s concerned.’

‘I have formed the impression that he is a gentleman of a determined character, sir, and has concluded that the advantageous alliance of his ward is his only hope of financial salvation. One would not wish to be the impediment in his path.’

‘And this ward … You think she will have spilled the beans to him about those innocent evenings on the Croisette?’

‘Perhaps not directly to Sir Henry, sir, but almost certainly to her coeval, Miss Hackwood. And once such intelligence has entered the distaff side, it is generally only a matter of time before—’

‘Lady H gets to hear the hot gossip and fills in the old boy.’