Jeeves and the Wedding Bells(10)

After an hour or so, I put down the book, not without a certain relief, I admit, though also with a fair degree of puzzlement. How on earth had Georgiana allowed herself to become hitched to such a fellow? The only thing I could think of was that he must be livelier in the flesh; and if not, there must have been a dozen others better suited within the county boundary.

I took a turn about the garden, mulling over this oddity. I had just gone back into the house with a view to starting The Mystery of the Gabled House, a copy of which I had seen on the hall bookshelf, when Jeeves let himself in.

‘What ho,’ I said. ‘Telegram dispatched?’

‘Indeed, sir, though in the event, it proved unnecessary, since I encountered Mr Beeching in person outside the greengrocer’s.’

It is not often that one sees Jeeves rattled, but I had the distinct impression that all was not as it should have been. For a start, I had expected to see his arms full of local produce: eggs from contented hens, a slab of yellow butter, peas fresh from the allotment and so forth. But he was empty-handed.

‘Is everything all right, Jeeves?’

He coughed a couple of times. ‘As we were conversing, we were joined by Sir Henry Hackwood, who was riding a horse.’

‘Golly,’ I said.

‘Indeed, sir. I am sorry to say that Mr Beeching seemed somewhat nonplussed by events. He appeared to think Sir Henry required an explanation of our acquaintance.’

‘Even though you’re not dressed as a valet or—’

‘Indeed, sir. Mr Beeching introduced Sir Henry to me, but when it came to supplying my name in return, he grew agitated.’

‘He panicked, you mean.’

‘Doubtless he is anxious to make a good impression on the man he hopes will be his father-in-law and this may account for—’

‘What did the silly ass say?’

‘He … improvised, sir. He introduced me as a friend of his family, Lord Etringham.’

‘He did what?’

‘He introduced me to Sir Henry as Lord Etringham, sir.’

‘Who on earth is Lord Etringham?’

‘I have not yet been able to establish, sir.’

‘Dear, oh dear. This is no good at all,’ I said.

‘I suppose that on the spur of the moment, sir, Mr Beeching thought it best not to mention your own name – as a more accurate introduction would have necessitated.’

‘Hackwood having me marked down as public enemy number one, you mean? I suppose I can see his point. Anyway, there’s no harm done. You won’t bump into him again.’

Jeeves coughed. ‘I fear matters may develop further. Sir Henry is a gentleman who appears keenly aware of matters of social standing.’

‘A corking snob, you mean. Yes, I’d heard as much at the Drones.’

‘On being informed, or rather misinformed, that I was a member of the peerage, Sir Henry reined in his horse. His interest seemed to quicken considerably.’

‘How quick did it get?’

‘He invited me to dine at Melbury Hall tonight.’

I let out a short, mirthless one. ‘What a daft old buffer.’

Jeeves looked down at his shoes for a moment, then cleared his throat. ‘I regret, sir, that in the circumstances I deemed it best to accept.’

‘What? But Jeeves, you can’t—’

‘There seemed no other available course of action, sir.’

Well, I saw what he meant, of course. He couldn’t really say, No thanks, I’d rather have a pork pie and a pint of shandygaff at the Dog and Whistle. Even so …

‘Golly, Jeeves. This is tricky.’

‘In the short walk back from the post office, sir, I examined the matter from a number of angles. I feel that I may be able to carry off the subterfuge successfully so long as Sir Henry is not able to consult any reference books on the peerage and baronetage.’

‘Come again, Jeeves.’

‘A glance at Burke or Debrett, sir, might inform Sir Henry that his lordship and I are of different ages, for instance. There would be further detail about the seat and the family, and should Sir Henry raise such matters conversationally—’

‘You’d be in the soup. Though you could telephone one of your pals and get him to look up the address of the country digs, number of children and so on.’

‘Most probably. It is the age question which I fear may be insuperable, sir.’

‘His lordship might be a lean and slipper’d pantaloon, you mean.’

‘Indeed, sir. Or a whining schoolboy with his satchel and shining—’

‘I catch your drift, Jeeves.’

I replaced The Mystery of the Gabled House on the shelf, as I needed a spare hand to rub the old bean.