Imperfect Truth(46)
Ava Readsalot: Really?
Abby Hale: Yes look…
A picture pops into the window. There he is, in all his magnificence. The sapphire blues eyes I’ve grown to yearn for staring back at me. God I’m such a fool…
Ava Readsalot: Wow!
That’s all I can say. I’m dumbfounded. He lied to me. Right there staring back at me is his lie. I need to think this out. Did he lie? Or just forget? Maybe it wasn’t intentional.
As much as I love Abby, I don’t want to tell her that I know Ryder. I just can’t. I pick up my cell and dial Jules.
“Hey, chica.” She answers on the third ring. Her voice is optimistic and excited. Mine…not so much.
“Hey, can you talk?”
“For a second. Let me shut the door to my office.” I can hear her heels clicking against the wooden floors in her office and then the door shuts.
“I’m so confused, Jules,” I blurt out.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, I once told Ryder to show his face on Facebook, that maybe it would help surge his sales. But he is adamant about not sharing a picture. He said that his books should sell on their own merit. I totally agree, but then he stressed that no one in the book world knows what he looks like. “
“Okay.” Confusion is evident in her voice.
“Well, I’m on the computer right now, and you know my friend Abby?”
“Yeah.”
“Well she just sent me a picture he sent her.” I want to crawl into a ball and cry as I say the words.
“Wow.”
“I know.”
“Well maybe he changed his mind.” I’m surprised she’s being so level-headed about this. I had expected her to fly off the handle.
“But that’s the thing, he’s on Facebook right now, ranting about how he won’t show his picture to prove that he’s a man, that his private life is his private life. But yet, she has his pic.”
“Honestly, that’s strange. Maybe you should ask him?”
“I don’t know,” I murmur into the phone.
“Just do it, Ava. I know you, not knowing will tear you apart.”
“Okay. Thanks for letting me vent.”
“Never feel bad about venting to me, everyone needs an outlet. If you don't get it out it will just fester inside you and breed. Call me back after you hear from him, okay? Love you.”
“Thanks so much, love you too.”
I don’t want to confront Ryder, but it's hard to feign ignorance. I look at my phone and contemplate calling him, but fear engulfs me so I take the easy way out, choosing to send him a PM instead.
Ava Readsalot: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ryder Matthews: Sure.
I can feel a slight sweat breaking out on my forehead. Nervous isn’t the word for what I am right now.
Ava Readsalot: Does anyone know what you look like besides me?
I know the answer, I just pray he has a reason. I’m sure it’s something simple, maybe he forgot, maybe…God I don’t know. Shit.
Typing…
Ryder Matthews: No.
Ava Readsalot: You don’t talk to other girls like this?
Ryder Matthews: Are you serious right now?
Ryder Matthews: Wow!
Ryder Matthews: Honestly.
Ryder Matthews: Forget it.
Forget what? Oh my God what is he saying…?
Ava Readsalot: What?
Ryder Matthews: If you’re so worried about it, then we shouldn't be doing this. We should end this.
My heartbeat feels restricted. I can feel it tightening in my chest, and the air in my lungs comes in shallow breaths as my world comes crashing down around me. I type frantically trying to get the words out before he signs off, before he throws me away. Even though he didn’t answer my question, I just don’t care, I can’t lose him.
Ava Readsalot: STOP
Ava Readsalot: please, I’m sorry.
Ava Readsalot: I want this, I want you.
Ava Readsalot: You are everything.
Ryder Matthews: Okay then prove it, because right now it looks like you don’t
Ryder Matthews: Maybe I’m wasting my time on you?
Ava Readsalot: No, all I want is you Ryder. Believe me, it’s all I think about, it’s just…
Ryder Matthews: ?
Ava Readsalot: I’m just scared.
Ryder Matthews: Scared?
Ava Readsalot: Of losing you. That you’ll decide you don’t want me.
My feelings are like a roller coaster. Highs and lows. When Ryder gives me his all, nothing can take me higher, but when he doesn’t…my heart pounds in my chest as I steady my breathing. I know he didn’t answer me. I don’t need the answer to know the truth, or maybe he is speaking the truth, maybe he just doesn’t remember giving it to her. I know I should ask him outright, but not having him in my life is unfathomable.