Hot For Teacher(131)

She clenches her teeth and goes rigid beneath my hands. I can tell she wants to yell at me. Or cry. Or both.

“That’s not what I meant. Of course I want to. I mean…” I shake my head again, and with a frustrated groan, I add, “You make me stupid!”

“Simon. You really need to work on your compliments, because you suck at them.” She sniffs and cracks a smile.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Arleen. I’m confused.” I take a step closer to her and wipe a tear from her cheek. “What I know is that I haven’t felt this good in a while. I don’t even remember a time I felt this good. You make me feel…” I hesitate, and I can’t seem to find the right word. I know what I should say, but I search for the word I truly mean. “You make me feel like a kid again.”

A small smile lights up her face. “You are a kid, Simon. Just like me.”

“I know. But I haven’t felt like one for years.”

Her head dips down. “I know what you mean.” She grabs my hand and holds it in hers, her fingers leaving an electric trail behind as she soothes my knuckles.

My heart races, my spine tingles, and goose bumps break out over my body.

The girl standing in front of me is something precious—a gift—and I have no intention of taking advantage of her. My whole life I’ve thought I was different: a guy who had no emotion, no heart, and wasn’t capable of opening up to anyone. I’ve never felt that elusive ‘jolt’ I’ve heard about—when you’re about to kiss a girl for the first time and you just know it’s right. All my life I’ve wanted it, but never thought it was something I’d experience.

In this moment I know that if I don’t kiss her, I’ll be missing out on so much more than a random fuck. This kind of girl could change a guy.

Forever.

And even though the teenager inside of me wants to rip her clothes off and rub my dick all over those gorgeous tits, I know deep down that sex with Arleen isn’t something I want to rush into.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Can I tell you something?” she asks in a whisper.

“Anything.”

She pauses and worry creases her brow. “You scare me.”

“Why?” I ask, even though I think that I already know the answer.

She hesitates and scratches her head. “They’ve all warned me. All the girls on the debate team.”

I nod. Yep. I figured that was where she was going.

“They all say you’re going to use me. They say I’m ‘next.’ And I’ve been keeping you at a distance because of it. Your name is scribbled on bathroom stalls across this school. They’ve all said you can’t keep your dick in your pants and that you have no heart, no conscience—”

“Arleen,” I interrupt her, but I don’t know how to reassure her that she’s different. “It’s all true.” Guilt churns in my stomach. “I’m a prick. And I don’t know how I could even begin to convince you that with you I won’t be like that.” I swallow and lean into her. “I want to tell you that this is genuine. That for the first time in my life, this is real. But it’s all going to sound like some line or speech I’ve given to them all.”

A deep furrow pinches her brow. “Have there really been that many?” She looks mildly disgusted.

I contemplate her question. If I were thirty years old, no. But I’m not. I’m only eighteen.

“More than there should’ve been,” I admit, feeling ashamed for the first time.

She nods and takes a step back. “I should go.”

No. Wait. Come back.

Please.

They didn’t mean anything.

Oh my God, I’m such a dick.

Because they didn’t mean anything.

“Arleen!” I call as she walks to a car in the parking lot.

“I put my phone number in your backpack. Call me about scheduling time to rehearse for the Saint Louis debate,” she calls back, just before hopping in her car and driving away.

I’m left standing alone. In all of the regrets I’ve had—which weren’t many, until today—I know deep down that I’ll always regret this.

The moment that the girl I wanted found out the truth and I was powerless to stop it. Everything I am is a disgrace. Everything I’ve done in my life has been a mistake. Every choice I’ve made and every girl I’ve been with has cost me Arleen.

And I have no idea how to get her back.





Chapter Eighteen


Number One: My First

May 1, 2013 (Seventeen months ago)

I wasn’t ready for it. It shouldn’t have happened.

I was only sixteen. While everyone in my school had their faces glued to their phones, laughing and interacting with one another, I couldn’t even say I’d had a friend since Cub Scouts. Yet there I was, lying naked on a bed with a girl from debate. Peggy.